hojx.blogspot.com

Junior College

2012-01-02T21:24:00.001+08:00

In 2011 I was in my sophomore and final year in Junior College. Then, I was 17, and pretty much all I could do -- and must be doing -- is study.

JC life makes you different. It's hard to pinpoint how exactly you change, but yes, you do change. For better or for worse, you still change. People say in JC you just 'mug', but you think studying continuously for a year is easy? No it is not. The mental agility that you need... Not everyone has that.

Each JC and even each individual civics group (CG) is unique and this gives everyone different experiences there. I come from a really small CG of 11 people and hence there is a need for the class to be closely knit, or at least be in harmony. It is really obvious when two people are not getting along, also it is just difficult and inefficient to split 11 people into separate cliques. Thankfully in general the people in my CG are friendly enough and we get along well.

It is only by around the mid year papers did I start thinking about what the college meant to me. Every school day I would stay back in school and sit down at the study benches. I would always face the assembly plaza, since I would be able to see a large portion of the school's architecture. At then, I knew that I will miss that place in the future, and boy am I missing it.

I don't know if you rapidly 'grow up' in JC. Every moment in your life you are growing up, whether physically or mentally. As long as you keep thinking and reflecting, you will mature, even if you are just sitting at a coffee place doing absolutely nothing or even lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. You don't have to go to JC just to grow up.

Apart from just educating you for the 'A' Level papers, what JC does is dig a hole in your memory and bury itself there. It stays firmly rooted within you and you are just no longer the same again.
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Here I Am

2011-12-18T20:19:00.001+08:00

One week since embarking into a military life.

To be honest, I don't hate military life, but that doesn't mean I love it and would sign-on in a military career either. I just feel that since I'm here, I should just accept my fate since hating it would just make the experience worse.

The physical training's intensity is picking up; my muscles have never gotten so sore before. Still, despite all the pain, I have long decided to just accept it and push myself all the way and just bear with everything. Gradually I've gotten used to such lifestyle of community living despite my dread for it and I know that I must make myself do better, even if it means staying behind every weekend for remedial training.

As part of 4th coy which is a warrant company and one of the 'leadership' batches (a way the local conscription system discriminates between less educated and more educated enlistees), it is somehow good to know that all my superiors to a varying extent are flexible in thinking and are able to joke despite their demands.

After some tries I could do some basic marching while complying to some basic commands. Fitness training is done as an entire company though and it is really rigorous. There isn't a day since the physical fitness started that I don't feel sore, stiff and tired. In fact the number of chin-ups I do has decreased because I've really worked out my body a lot that I've left with little strength to do other stuff. Even walking down the stairs proves to be very painful for me. Despite all my complains, I choose to still accept these trainings since firstly I want to believe that in the end I will improve greatly and secondly I simply have no choice anyway.

My biggest problem though would be swimming. My swimming skills is unbelievably atrociously bad. I cannot, for one, float horizontally on water; I don't even dare to leave the floor of the 1.2m deep pool. I suppose I'm the worst swimmer in the entire company. It is really stressful on me since the way they teach swimming for so-called 'beginners' ('CAT C') already assumes that everyone is comfortable in water and can float. I have problems even putting my entire head into the water and I am scared, having never touched swimming pool water for 6 years, the previous time being in Sec 1.

I remember then having to undergo the compulsory swimming program at Bedok Swimming Complex. We started at shallow waters, first holding the side rails and letting ourselves float, and also then submersing in the waters while holding on to the rails. Slowly, I could paddle with the styrofoam board, but that was about the furthest I went before we changed venues to the newly-renovated Tampines Swimming Complex. There I suddenly lost the ability to stay mid-waters. I just couldn't swim.

Since then I haven't been in contact with water for six years. Even me myself did not expect to be so uncomfortable in the water; I thought I would at least be able to get the proficiency I had gained earlier, albeit being weak. It is just this unfound phobia that I never realised I had. I really want to make myself swim but when I actually enter the water I just can't do it.

During the first swimming lesson in army, I had to go to another corner for specialised teaching even away from the CAT C beginners. One of the trainers tried a scare tactic and scolded and taunted me but I couldn't even get angry -- I was just so nervous at that time. The other trainer was much more encouraging and I made very minor progresses. By the end of the lesson both instructors became considerably encouraging which made me feel less nervous.

For two nights so far, I couldn't help but think about it during my free time in my bunk before sleep. I feel nervous whenever I think about my inability to swim and of possible consequences I may face with regards to my military training.

I am really giving all I can whenever possible -- pushing my limits in muscle strength and allowing myself to get dirty and wet. It's this sense of insecurity that I just cannot overcome. Yes I know the water is at chest height. Yes I know lifeguards are around. Still I just can't get over it. Perhaps this is why I am also acrophobic -- being afraid of heights -- despite knowing that the structure I'm stepping on is very secure.

Just one week in army and I've already lost track of time and day. It feels like a continuous cycle that I am unable to break out from. Time seems to fly, but yet it feels like forever.
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First Days of Conscription

2011-12-10T17:08:00.001+08:00

It is now 5am; we're supposed to wake up at 6am but someone set the alarm damn early though we all agreed on a 5:45am alarm.

Anyway yesterday was a very manageable day I guess. The day started with family members accompanying the enlistee into Pulau Tekong, by taking a shuttle bus from Pasir Ris Bus Interchange to the SAF Ferry Terminal and taking the ferry from there off shore. At the island, members of the public were split up from the soldiers where basically the family were given a tour.

For me, I first had to exchange my pink NRIC for a new SAF identification card (the '11B'), along with other identification marking my new status and a file too. One problem though -- my blood type was printed differently!!! "Since when was I an 'A+'?" I thought. I was then asked to basically request for a blood test so that they could verify my blood group.

Next we sat at some seats and the Sergeant Major gave us a short briefing of what's ahead.

(I'm now typing this during my free time at 9:40am)

In the auditorium, while waiting for the family to enter we watched videos of Every Singaporean Son. I badly wanted to doze off and roll my eyes. When the parents finally got in, there was another video and next was a talk. Oh god I rolled my eyes like I think 20 times and yawned another 20 times throughout.

Skipping all the random shit. Next was lunch with the family. The meal was okay I suppose. Next we assembled and everyone else left.

(Notice how I'm getting more and more bored of typing)

We went to get our supplies consisting of a field pack (the green camouflage bag) and a big black bag (I suppose its called a duffle bag). It was DAMN heavy seriously when all of them are added up. Add the fact that they are also enormous and hence bulky and annoying. Thank god my bunk is at the third storey though.

I'm in 4th coy, platoon 1 and section 3 -- all numbers. I thought got some cool name.

My buddy is Eric, a PR from Malaysia hence I have someone I can speak Mandarin too other than just English alone. I haven't told him but it was fucking shocking when I saw him cause he looks seriously like Mr Calvin Lim -- my Chemistry lecturer back then in Meridian JC.

He's not especially chatty like my other bunk mates so its not bad. We talk some random small stuff, and that's about it, but it isn't awkward and actually quite comfortable.

The day were mostly of administrative stuff and some small talks and instructing by the sergeant, so it was very manageable even though at the end of the day I was still very tired.

Oh yes, I just lost my newly issued ez-link card, photographs, and the metal tags! What the hell! I just told my sergeant about it and he said I can wait a few days, after which I can replace my ez-link card at the TransitLink counters and the metallic tags at the emart. Thank god though I didn't lose the all-important 11B.

Okay for today what's left are basically just opening addresses and stuff -- just talks. So I'll blog some time later and actually I also cannot be too detailed about the trainings since its confidential. I'll just talk about other general stuffs.

{5:10pm} I just found the stuff I lost! So glad!
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Embracing Changes

2011-12-09T07:52:00.001+08:00

This is me, roughly two hours before enlistment, typing this one-way email which would be sent to Blogger's servers and end up as a blog entry in my blog.

It has been just slightly more than a week since I had taken my last 'A' Level paper -- H2 Chemistry Paper 1 -- on 29th November. I am part of the group of earliest enlistees in this 'intake' -- second day of intake to be exact. Most people I know are getting enlisted in February or March.

The 'A' Level papers weren't a pleasant thing to do -- some papers are been quoted to be the 'hardest ever' in the newest syllabus. However, the two years in Junior College are probably the most life-changing phase of my life so far. I feel distinct differences within me -- in terms of how I treat myself and how I interact with others. As the 'coup de grace' -- 'A' Levels -- approached I knew that I would miss that place where I studied in for two years. Often I would stay in school and study at the study benches facing the assembly plaza. Sometimes I would just look up and spend a short moment looking around and trying to keep in memory the concrete buildings and floors that impacted my life so much.

The end of the 'A' Levels also meant an abrupt change in lifestyle into a person of zero income and having no occupation or what-not. I'm just lazing around. Knowing that I didn't have much time left as a mere civilian made me want to spend as much time as possible with the friends I know.

I had a class barbecue three days ago at Ashwini's house with about half the class -- Ashwini, Divya, Natalie, Tsz Kin and Yu Jie. We had wanted to arrange a day where everyone would be around but everyone had different travelling plans throughout the month so we had to split the gathering to two different days with the people appearing for the respective outings looking like an intersecting Venn diagram.

It was very nice being there, really. Ashwini and her mum prepared everything perfectly and the fire was quickly and very thoroughly started. We did not take long to cook everything. After finishing all the barbecued food and the two pizzas Ashwini's mum bought -- in case we got hungry before the food were ready -- we went up to Ashwini's apartment where we played cards. Ashwini's new dog was really cute too. It was really active and it could not stop running around. The dog basically makes you wanna go 'aww' and touching the fur gets addictive after a while.

It was just a really simple and nice day. I'm sure going to miss them.

I'm now going to leave my house for Pasir Ris Bus Interchange.

The next day after the barbecue was the college's senior prom. I didn't have a seat there since my entire class wasn't attending so I had planned to just drop by for a short while to see how my juniors were with manning the photography booths.

Apart from getting a small temporary spray tattoo at my left wrist, I basically just went around, seeing where I can help my juniors and talking about some of my own experiences at prom last year.

My juniors had their fair share of kinks they had to iron out; there were gaps in their preparation they hall to fill up and of course a couple of unexpected issues. Nevertheless being a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them to do such a thing I'm sure it was a memorable experience for them just as it was for myself.

I really enjoyed my time there and I was glad to be able to see not only dedication and effort of my juniors' part but more importantly harmony among most of the members and fun and enjoyment in doing their tasks. After all, work will remain 'work' -- with all the negative connotations -- if we do not make it fun. This does not mean jeopardising on quality of work; rather it enhances work efficiency since you are in complete harmony and cohesion with the job you are doing just like yin-yang. You are as one with your job and you do not treat it as a separate entity of you -- it just comes naturally out of you.

As I look out of the taxi at the expressway towards my destination, I choose to dispel all fear, worries and negativity of what comes in the two years ahead. I want to face everything with a open mind and heart and more importantly I want to make friends and actually enjoy my time there.

I'll blog about my experiences from camp if time and my phone's battery life permits and I'll be out from confinement before Christmas. That's about it.

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Q 世界

2011-12-04T01:38:00.001+08:00

世界有著微妙的不同處，看起來一樣，卻不怎麼一樣。在1984，男孩和女孩生活圈子完全沒有重疊的地方，但在1Q84，男孩與女孩卻越來越靠近。那個世界裡，有兩個月亮——1984也有的月亮，還有與那顆月亮同行的，小小顆綠色的月亮，看起來像是長滿青苔似的。

女孩白天正職是健身教練，而晚上心血來潮時，她喜歡在酒吧找男人發生一夜情。但她同時也專門殺虐待女人的男人。她指頭特別敏感，能精準的在人體上找出那致命的穴道，再利用特製的錐子讓對方瞬間死亡，完全不留痕跡。而在一次執行任務前的路上，女孩無意中進入了一個不同的世界。
男孩在補習中心當數學講師，他熱愛數學，因為在數目與方程式的世界裡面什麼問題都能解開，讓他能暫時逃離他童年的不快樂。他有個固定的性伴侶，是位比他年紀大的中年已婚婦女。他們一個星期固定一天做愛，追求的純粹只是肉體上的解放。他也熱愛寫作，但因為為一位很特別的十七歲女孩重寫了《空氣俑》而捲入了那兩顆月亮的世界。

他們毫不相干的人生漸漸的變成是糾結不清，盡管沒見到對方，但他們早已認定了彼此。

只有在1Q84的世界，他們才得以重逢。

那些年

2011-11-28T01:16:00.001+08:00

你是否記得當年年少輕狂的日子，當年如血奮鬥、無憂無慮的日子？

當年長髮飄逸的女孩，對著你微笑。
心中好多話想說，卻始終沒有說出口。
那種曖昧不明的感覺，讓現在的我們好遺憾好遺憾，但回味起來卻依然是那麼的動人心弦的甜蜜。

對不起，我已經沒有能力愛妳。
妳離我實在是離得太遠了，我已看不見妳，妳已經不在我觸手可及的距離內了。

但妳，妳永遠都會是我此生最美的回憶。

我愛妳。

Eighteen

2011-11-25T19:10:00.000+08:00

I really should blog more.

Okay so I just turned 18 a week ago, right in the midst of my 'A' Level papers. Fortunately, the saving grace was that my birthday happened to be on the first day of the 8 continuous days in which I do not have any papers. Lucky.

In the morning I went to school to study I always did. I studied briefly for a few hours before leaving for Tampines, where I met up with Mr Cha. I remembered his birthday -- calling him that day and also passing him gifts -- and I made it a point for him to know that my birthday was nearing through very obvious hinting. So the day before my birthday he called me and asked me if I had any birthday plans, then he asked to meet up for lunch on my birthday. I gave a little 'wow' over the phone, considering him always not free to meet up. Of course I had to agree to meeting up; we don't have many opportunities to meet. At first he asked me if there's anything at East Point, but no, I don't know of any eateries there. So we ended up just deciding to eat somewhere in Tampines Mall.

So we met up and I just didn't want to make a choice as to where we should eat (although I'm the birthday boy) so we ended up at Swensens. I vague remember ordering a bolognaise which he ordered crayfish pasta? Yah. Just nice to meet up and chat lor. Nothing else to blog about here about it other than that I was very full and bloated and couldn't finish the ice-cream.

After that I went back to school and tried to study but I felt super warm and sleepy so I ended up sleeping for quite a while before continuing to study. I originally also planned to meet up with Zenon, Garry and Wei Jie but considering Garry and Wei Jie have Econs paper on Monday I chose to postpone our gathering.

I then went home. The celebration at home was just a cake and nothing much to talk about.

I watched 那些年，我們一起追的女孩 on Tuesday. I regret nothing watching it; it was amazing. I first read the original novel when I was in probably Secondary 2 or 3. That book is one of the reason why I go on reading Mandarin novels -- I love how Giddens gave me that feeling of simple love and its ambiguity. He did not have to resort using big words and complicated structures -- he used easily understandable expressions that allowed everyone to easily follow yet completely feel the emotions lying within. The movie was definitely not a disappointment, rather it added an extra dimension to the original novel -- Details that can never be expressed in words.

I received 1Q84 (Book 1 & 2) as a gift and I love it. I don't know how it started but for a very long time I had been obsessed in wanting to read this latest book by Murakami. I had read all three books in its Chinese translation and I couldn't wait to read the English translation by Jay Rubin. Right now I'm past one-third of the book and almost halfway through, and I love it. I actually prefer the English translation to the Mandarin counterpart. Whenever I read translated books from a foreign language, I would make it a point to read both the English and Mandarin translations. Take French novel Le magasin des suicides by Jean Teulé -- the English translation The Suicide Shop was lackluster and awkward but the Chinese version 找死專賣店 was rich, beautiful and unforgettable. However, it seems that for Murakami's works, I prefer English translations so much more; I wasn't able to even finish reading the Chinese translation of Noruwei no mori (Norwgian Wood).

Okay this is about the length for my blog post. Good bye.

Today

2011-11-13T10:00:00.000+08:00

Tens of years ago on this day a very special someone was born. As a normal Singaporean child he went to school but didn't exactly score amazing grades. In university, he didn't get into an amazingly prestigious course of study, but then he found his interest. He pursued that very interest and from a mere Bachelor he went on to become a Doctor of Philosophy in his own right.

He had so many dreams; his imagination went wild and were rich and colourful. He could have settled for a peaceful and secure route but yet he followed his heart and took the road least taken. Sure, he may have fell (and not just once). Sure, you may not agree with my opinion that he lived his life successfully. Still, never did he allow himself to succumb to reality and practicality; he loves what he does and the fruits of his labour cannot be justified in mere monetary means.

Today is the day that marks his birth ― the birth of this dude with a big belly. The one that can easily, and with little effort brighten my entire day. The person which I've always been longing to have as my godfather. The one I will never be able to forget my entire life.

Steve

2011-10-07T00:02:00.000+08:00

Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
- Steven Paul Jobs

I woke up that fine morning and left for school. At the bus stop while waiting for the bus, I browsed through my Twitter account using my phone and saw the news that Steve Jobs passed away.

It came as a total shocker to me. I had long knew about Jobs's deteriorating health, but it was still very out-of-the-blue a news.

I have always been a great Apple fan and I remember I would always stay tuned to liveblogs on Apple Keynotes and hours later when the video recording of Steve Jobs's keynote is released I would watch the video in its entirety. It has become a tradition for me.

I love the way he presents, the voice and charisma that catches your attention without any flamboyance. He is really unique a person and the news of his death really saddened me.

Out of Sorts

2011-09-27T22:31:00.001+08:00

Last week was our Prelims, and yesterday I started getting back my exam scripts.

I first got back paper one for Physics. I was the lowest in my Civics Group -- only managing an E -- and I was really quite saddened. I didn't expect anything from this paper though; I was not concentrating during this particular paper.

Next was Geography paper one. Despite merely attaining a sub-pass, I didn't get as sad as I was for Physics, considering it was still an improvement from failing the entire paper altogether during the Mid-Year exams. My DRQs were appalling though, I got a zero for question 4.

The last paper I got back for the day was paper two of General Paper. When I saw that I got 27 marks, I was pretty disappointed. After managing to add 3 marks -- making it a 30, Marcus promptly reminded me that 30 out of 50 is actually a B grade, so its really pretty good. I was then suddenly jolted into realisation that hey, that's a B!

After school I completed the 2008 A Level Math papers in preparation for today's Math tutorial and after which I realised it was still quite early -- barely 6pm -- but I didn't have any other work with me then so I left the school.

The first lesson for today was supposed to be PE but we do not have PE lessons this term so it turned into a self-study period where my class sat at a study bench mostly doing Math.

During Geography we spent over 80% of the time watching a video of a basketball player -- Larry Bird -- and the legacy he left in his sporting career. Mr Chen showed us the video trying to illustrate what 'mind over matter' meant; apparently he saw that a couple of us in the lecture theatre were visibly depressed yesterday while getting back our papers.

For Math lecture we got back both paper one and paper two, and surprisingly, I did not fail! Despite scoring merely an E (which I wasn't too happy about since there is a whole bunch of people who scored close to full marks), I was trying to encourage myself by telling myself that at least I didn't fail and at least it was still an improvement over failing both papers altogether during Mid-Years.

The last subject in which I got back papers for the day was Chemistry during tutorial, and it was pretty scary since Mr Lee returned us all three papers at one go. Before the class started he casually asked who is still sleeping less than eight hours a day and I giggled a little. Mr Lee knows the sleep I get is pathetic every schoolday but he gave a smile, saying that I got a sub-pass for Chemistry! The class clapped a little; they know how badly I've been doing all the while and how this improvement -- albeit still not very good in absolute terms -- really meant a lot to me. A subpass isn't even a proper passing grade, but Mr Lee was a quite happy that I am seeing the improvements I've been working towards, and he told the entire class to not give up.

After the lunch break I had Physics tutorial, and Mr Cha went through some paper two questions, and being ahead of time he also ended the lesson earlier. I went to the washroom, and walking back I entered the classroom from the back door, and I saw a whole bunch of students in the room and Mr Lee was in the middle of teaching them.

I WAS IN THE WRONG CLASSROOM!

I just walked in, saw what I had gotten into, and immediately said sorry, turned around and left. It all happened within ten seconds (but it felt like ten minutes) and Mr Lee didn't even had time to respond. As I walked out I could hear the entire class giggle.

Oh goodness, how I wished I had a hole to hide in. I'd never been in such embarassing situations, being very alert and street-smart at all times. Apparently that was S402, since Chester promptly texted me about it. I just cannot live this down. Thank god I realised my mistake fast enough when I walked in there instead of staying stunned there though. Apparently after I left the room Mr Lee told the class "and that's my student". Really, shit. I don't know how I am going to face Mr Lee during Thursday's Chemistry tutorial. Mad embarassing.

I got back into the class and told a few people about it. I was madly hyperventilating over the embarassment. As Mr Cha left the classroom at the end of the lesson, I walked with him to the staffroom, first telling him about the embarassing episode I went through and next just generally chatting with him about my Physics grades.

During Math tutorial Mr Sim showed us our unreleased truncated timetable for the next two weeks, just so he could book 4 continuous periods a week for us to do full papers. -_- Still we took a sneak peek at our truncated timetables and it was really 'truncated' initially, before Mr Sim booked those slots of course.

Geography was turned into an entire self-study period but people who wanted consultation could do it then too. Chloe, Rebecca and I thus did our Math homework and I stayed in the class for over three hours until Mr Firdaus finished consultation with every single one and was checking on me. He was going to leave but I asked him to just take a quick look through my entire Geography paper one and give me some comments since I don't really have specific questions to ask. While he was going through the paper I ended up having some questions as he spoke and I really think I always ask the weirdest of questions 'cause he really had to spend some time thinking through. So basically overall he commented that I was thinking enough to know what the questions were asking and had no problems coming up with the points, but I really have to add in more details tweak a little to really give value to the factors I wrote in since none of them were conceptually wrong, simply undeveloped.

Well at least that showed that I still have much hope for my Geography paper one since I would just need more practice to gauge how much detail I need and also study the content more thoroughly.

Will get back all my papers by the end of this week... I really hope I won't get U for any subject...

愛上你，然後愛上自己

2011-09-24T22:08:00.000+08:00

愛情不是去愛一個完美的人，而是去接受他是一個不完美的人。我們都不完美，都有太多的缺點，然而，是愛情裏所有的瑕疵、是愛情的滿目瘡痍使我心懷感激，伸出一雙震顫的手去撫愛那個甘願和我相依相伴的人。
－張小嫻《愛上你，然後愛上自己》

Prelims

2011-09-23T21:10:00.000+08:00

It has been quite some time since I last blogged.

Feeling quite bad recently.

I really think I did my Prelim papers badly. There wasn't a single paper I was fully confident of; this time round I decided to focus more attention on my H2s rather than continuing with my good grades in H1s in my mid-years 'cause I can't possibly be scoring straight aces for H1s in the 'A' Level papers and straight 'Ungraded' grades for my H2s!

Despite much unwillingness to place less attention to my favourite subjects -- H1 Physics and H1 General Paper -- I had to, and it was quite a struggle.

From the first day of the Prelim examinations to the last, I was feeling uneasy. Every day I would just mechanically study and study. I would just deal with the papers as they came - robotic, mechanic. I really feel like I'm not going to make it.

那些年

2011-09-11T00:20:00.000+08:00

《那些年》
演唱：胡夏
作曲：木村充利
作詞：九把刀

又回到最初的起點　記憶中妳青澀的臉
我們終於　來到了這一天
桌墊下的　老照片　無數回憶連結
今天男孩要赴女孩最後的約

又回到最初的起點　呆呆地站在鏡子前
笨拙繫上紅色領帶的結
將頭髮梳成大人模樣　穿上一身帥氣西裝
等會兒見妳一定比想像美

好想再回到　那些年的時光
回到教室座位前後　故意討妳溫柔的罵
黑板上排列組合　妳捨得解開嗎
誰與誰坐他又愛著她

那些年錯過的大雨　那些年錯過的愛情
好想擁抱妳　擁抱錯過的勇氣
曾經想征服全世界　到最後回首才發現
這世界滴滴點點全部都是妳

那些年錯過的大雨　那些年錯過的愛情
好想告訴妳　告訴妳我沒有忘記
那天晚上滿天星星　平行時空下的約定
再一次相遇我會緊緊抱著妳　緊緊抱著妳

我們要珍惜每一天，當我們還年輕的這些年。
因為過了，就回不去了。
我們不必最完美，我們也不需要出類拔萃，但我們一定要在我們人生的詩篇裡面寫上一個漂亮的句點。
難道你就要把你的年華都白白浪費，在你的人生中留上一大個空白的缺？

柯景騰（九把刀）高中時的那個人生，幾年前第一次讀了《那些年，我們一起追的女孩》的我就好感動也非常的羨慕。
就是他那種，豁達的態度，懂得勇往直前、放手一搏，才讓他擁有一個值得寫成小說的青年時期。
我每一天都好想要好想要追尋，在成年之前，擁有那一個精采的青少年生涯。
可是很多時候，我都對自己束手無策，反而覺得乾脆就等到大了，真正能獨立自主了，才創造一個嶄新的人生。
只是那樣的我永遠都不能感受本來應該有的那種青澀的生活姿態。

好好先生 Yes Man

2011-09-08T22:18:00.002+08:00

我是一個幾乎什麼都不會拒絕的人，我可以什麼都順從大眾，既使自己心裡其實並不那麼想的。
雖然本人的想法很多都非常的前衛、不符合普羅大眾的想像，但是我很少把那些想法表達出來，選擇把它們藏在心中，自己欣賞就好。
我不想在人群當中顯得很突兀，我反而選擇溶入人群當中，即使通常我都被遺忘。
因此，我非常非常少說「不」，選擇都說「好」，答應、服從。

我會把自己想法表達出來的時候是當我被問時，而唯一會主動盡力表達自己想法的是當我是「組長」之類，擁有領導者的責任。
只要是由我領導一個團體作業，我就一定要求完美。
也因為我在團體作業裡對任何小小的瑕疵都有著潔癖，我通常都會非常直接的點出組員給的任何建議、點子裡的缺陷。
我當然也非常歡迎別人公道地批評我任何的點子，但在團體裡，通常都是我的點子被採用，因為我可以捍衛自己的構思，我也最後都以成功來證明我的構思的可信度。

但始終，在私底下我都是一位好好先生。
有些人反而會覺得我是完全沒有主見的一個人，成天就懂如複印機重複大家的動態。
也就因為這樣，我非常容易讓人把我當成是理所當然的，也因此吃了好多的悶虧。

有什麼事，很多時候別人都不需要問我的意見，因為他們都知道我一定會答應。
好多時候我就那樣的付出，付出，付出。

怎麼，就從來沒有人為了我做事呢？

Start of Prelims

2011-09-06T00:07:00.000+08:00

Despite it being the September vacations, Monday was the start of the Prelims for us sophomores (and seniors, at the same time) that would be a major milestone leading to the coup de grâce -- the 'A' Level papers. It was a start in the technical sense though, since based on the exam schedule for the entire week this (General Paper) is the only paper and every other paper starts from the next week.

So I started the day by getting a tetra-pak of Milo and a sandwich from the canteen, and at a study bench near my exam venue I did some quick flipping through of notes for GP. In preparation for this exam, for the first time ever I actually bothered to collate case studies, examples, vocabulary and quotes for a variety of topics. However as the exam approached I found that all the work I've done mostly came to naught for I have never been the type that memorise things.

I have always been more of a fan of invention and innovation; I hated having to memorise given and factual things. Really, in the society we are living in today, we are still reliant on hard-core set-in-stone memory work? This applied less to General Paper and Chinese generally, since there is still a major component for language fluency in both subjects. It is in subjects like Chemistry and Geography where we really have to cram content into our brains to serve as a foundation for mind-boggling trick questions.

You can really see the difference in my grades between subjects (and more specifically topics) that do or do not require memory work. Say Chemistry -- for sections like Organic Chemistry where I have to memorise mechanisms, reagents and conditions, or Inorganic Chemistry where I even have to memorise the colours of various complexes, you can see how much lower I score compared to Physical Chemistry where I feel that it is slightly more skill-based.

Thank goodness for the language component in GP and Chinese -- obviously due to them being language subjects. It is especially great in Chinese when we are allowed the use of dictionaries to aid in writing essays for Paper 1 since really I have an enormous warehouse of Chinese vocabulary in my brain that I know and recognise -- but can rarely remember how to write. For GP, a comment I always get is the lack of sufficient case-studies since I always leave each paragraph of argument with a brief example and I score mostly for my clarity and fluency of language use and my arguments per se.

Anyway, for GP I thus had never bothered to focus on a select topic, preferring to always go with gut feel and see out of the twelve questions which I felt for most and could write best.

So at 8am, Paper 1 started. Shit.

Somehow, I couldn't see properly. I was unable to see a question I felt for, and I really took some time trying to select a viable question that I could do. So really, since I was unable to get much inspiration for all the questions, I tried to choose a safe question, and I chose --

3. 'Singapore's economy has grown, but people are not living better lives.' To what extent do you agree?

There. I felt that within the question there weren't like, traps and all, nor does it require highly specific and out-of-reach case-studies. For this essay, I went to first establish the given -- Singapore's economy has grown -- and went on to try to define what it means to be 'better'. Basically my essay trys to say that financially, most Singaporeans are doing better, but there are some people left out of the loop (and I misquoted Singapore's Gini Coefficient, giving a wrong definition altogether I think). Also, despite financially doing better Singaporeans had made sacrifices (family, psycological, etc) to achieve that success. Ultimately though, everyone has different definitions and requirements to a 'better' life. I really don't expect myself to score as well as I normally do during regular written essays in class. I always score much worse during exams than in class.

After the paper and a break, I was getting a better mood so I felt that Paper 2 was slightly better for me. At least my mind and train of thought were much clearer than before since the topic of the passage was much more easier to comprehend.

So that's about it for GP. I stayed back in school for a few hours to study before I felt like getting away and left the school.

情結

2011-09-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

RT @ChineseLQuotes: 每個人的骨子裡都有一個情結：想擁有一個藍顏知己或是紅顏知己，既不是夫，也不是妻，更不是情人，而是居住在你精神領域裡的那個人。是一個可以說心裡話，但又只能是心靈取暖而不能身體取暖的人。在你受委屈的時候，第一時間想起的人，是你的一本心靈日記，也是你生命中一個最長久的秘密。
(10:47PM, 01 September 2011)

一整個年級都沒有在過的教師節

2011-09-01T08:30:00.000+08:00

今天學校沒開課，因為明天是教師節所以今天學校改成是慶祝教師節的節目。
只有一年級的學生得到學校去，而身為學長的我不用到校，因為兩個星期後我們有大考，所以校方這星期放了我們走讓我們自習。
但，我還是到了學校去，原因有兩個。

第一當然是為了念書，我在家裡真的很難靜下心來好好念書，我就一直睡，一直睡著。
我每天放學後都會留在校園裡念書，不管當天多累，不管自習的進度多慢，我還是在學校裡，因為念很少書總好過完全沒念到書吧！
所以我這天特別上學，為了逼迫自己為來臨的大考念書。

第二則是很明顯的因為是教師節。
在上星期我早已和念著共同科目的同班同學們送了教師節禮物給了我的班導（也是我的地理教師），還有化學、數學及英文教師。
就唯獨我可憐的物理教師啊，在班上我只跟三位同學選修物理，而他們……算了吧。
所以我這天決定返校，為了也特別貢敬教師節禮物給和我最熟的小良他。

我大約八點半到了校園，因為已經發了簡訊問了他是否在忙，而也早理解了他尤其最近好多事得處理，所以我不想打擾他的跟他說一有空就要跟我講。
在我週遭有些課室被一年級的學弟妹拿來開迷你派對和他們各自的班導慶祝教師節，而我就開始一個人的在班上做起數學習題。
這次的我不想就如常一直做超難的新題目而重蹈覆轍的空白著腦袋不會解題，所以改了個方式操作。
這次的我，特別針對我最爛的數學單元，做起了基本題目只為穩固我對該單元的基礎。
而我就這樣一邊念著書，一邊等著教師他。
過了一段時間，周遭的課室開始被空出，因為一年級的學生們及教師都被叫去禮堂參加集體的慶祝會，而我也繼續留在課室內。

一小時一小時的那樣離去，我開始疲倦起來。
中午時分班上實在超熱，尤其今天正式來說並沒有開課，所以我的課室也沒有如以往的一到中午就自動開冷氣。
我有點想離開校園回家，所以再次發了簡訊問了小良他在哪裡——他到校外開會去了。
我超想生他的氣的！怎麼離開前沒跟我說，還害我白癡的在那邊等！
但最後失望及難過多過於生氣，明明好想生悶氣但想到那麼可愛的他，我卻又捨不得生他的氣。

感覺有點累又蠻失望的我把禮物搬到辦公室外教師們的櫥櫃，把東西放置在他的櫃子裡，然後隨即離開了校園。
我這天心血來潮，決定改個方式回家，改搭了另一個地鐵線。
逛了逛購物商場裡的書店，之後再搭了巴士回家。
回到家，好累好累的我就睡了個大頭覺，到了傍晚大概七點多才醒了過來吃晚飯。
而到了晚上十點多小良這時才發了簡訊給我，說他剛回到家。
明明應該是有點生氣的我這時又心軟的跟他互傳了簡訊；他實在惹人喜歡、疼惜，那麼容易的就又把我逗得笑了起來。
果然是我在校園裡最棒、最親的友人。

So Many Things

2011-08-28T17:34:00.002+08:00

It's the last school day of the term for my cohort, and pretty much the end of my JC lifestyle as all the seniors are let off for self-study in preparation for the Prelims and the 'A' Level papers.

It's always the same - we seem to only cherish what we have already lost. I started to dread the thought of leaving the college two weeks ago when I came to a sudden realisation of how fast time flies without me realising. There are always two sides to a coin, and it is quite very unlikely to entirely hate or love something. I still dislike how the college compound is so sterilised of a culture -- all concrete and compact, very unlike how say, TJC looks like (TJC almost look like you can film a MediaCorp drama series inside). I still dislike how sometimes the disciplinary rules with regards to attire can go over the top when applied to an eighteen year old person.

Perhaps due to the young age of the college, I really feel at any point in time, as long as the college is evacuated, the college is nothing. There is no legacy to speak of, no history... nothing. It is only the times when the tutors and students coexist within that space that we form Meridian JC. There are so many things I will miss of that place - my civics group, my tutors, and my club. They form a great big part of my JC career and they are the things I'll not forget.

Regardless of how well -- or how bad -- I do in my 'A' Level papers, I will still not forget the college for how she shaped and refined who I am as a person.

Now, let me get back to studying.

起伏／相處

2011-08-17T08:45:00.000+08:00

這幾個月來因課業壓力，我和「憂鬱」這個情緒開始非常親近。
我就如同磁碟般，一直吸引著情緒這個導體。
我開始蠻了解它多種呈現的形式，因此很容易的就意識到它的存在。
我是會突然的不開心，但我知道我不要這樣的感覺，而我會盡力的驅逐這種負面情緒。
心情好了，但卻不持久，起起伏伏的一直轉換。

而星期天的我，又被這種感覺突襲。
那種憂愁的感覺迎面而來，因為這個周末要處理的作業特別多，讓我喘不過氣來。
我獨自一個人，在客廳裡只開著一小盞的燈。
坐在沙發上的我打開了我的iPod，用機身的喇叭播放披頭四的歌。
就這樣，企圖放鬆心情，冷靜。

而我好想找我的物理教師聊天，因為我知道最容易讓我快樂起來的就是他。
我其實不需要和他大聊特聊，只需要在課外和他多說一兩句，讓我再次確定他還在支持我就可以了，但我們每星期三早上的咖啡約定在這個學期裡好多次被迫取消，讓我們能在私底下聊天的時間變得特別少。
這兩個星期，我都只能在每周三次的物理導課後刻意調準好時間，同步和他離開教室，才能和他多說幾句話；或者短暫的幾封簡訊，互相傳遞。

星期一的我擠出了幾個物理裡想問的問題，在中午放學後打了電話給他，問他在哪裡。

只可惜他已經不在校園裡，因此我們決定在隔天下課後四點十五分約來見面，反正這星期三的約定又得取消。
起初快要掛電話了，但他繼續的說道，問了我最近如何。
他說他最近平時看見我都似乎精神好很多，但我還沒跟他說的是，我通常都是先看見他所以才會心情好很多，因此到他看到我時我才會看起來不錯。
而我簡短的大概訴說了我突如其來的低落，開始我的埋怨與小小的撒嬌。

當然，能有人這樣聽著我說話的感覺依舊非常的微妙，依舊非常的暖心。
就這樣，我心情開始大好。

星期二早上，我的肚子在上學的路上感覺好餓，因此在早晨典禮前我到了食堂想買點食物吃。
在攤位前排在我前面的，我認出來是一名物理女教師，讓我突然心血來潮、靈機一動。
我叫了那老師，而她轉了過來，有點驚奇的看著我，因為我不是她的學生。
雖然有點尷尬，但我問了她是否能讓我欠她一個人情。
還好，她答應了，而我繼續說道，拜託她幫我把我將買的熱咖啡帶到辦公室裡給我的物理教師，然後也就交給了她那咖啡的錢。
真是還好她答應了，要不然還真是會更尷尬。
她問了我的名字，但我說不用特別跟我教師說，因為他也應該會（而最好）知道。
我幾次向她道了謝，而她買了自己的東西後也帶著我那杯咖啡先走了。

物理教師和我約了那麼多次下來總共買給我那麼多次、那麼多種的咖啡，而這次，我想該輪到我第一次買給他咖啡了吧。
而我也不只是請他，我還要特別突如其來的突然給他這麼一小小的驚喜。

等待早晨典禮開始時，老師他發了簡訊給我，在簡訊裡似乎有點欣喜若狂的謝我送過去的咖啡。
果然，他知道那都是我的作為，看來也只有我和他有這些逐漸達成的習慣吧。
驚喜成功，我也當然非常的開心，比起兩天前的我簡直是一個黑一個白。
那麼剛好的，物理教師也從教務處走了出來，在廣場裡走向我也開始和我說了幾句話。
真是讓我心情大好許多。

這天更特別的是，我在化學導課時收回了我上星期剛完成的講堂測驗。
我及格了。

再次及格。

兩年來的幾十個測驗我都沒有及格過，而最近在我化學教師跟我說了話之後，上星期收回前個星期的測驗，我首次及格。
教師在測驗封面寫著（對我來說是）激勵人心的話，說我終於及格了，要繼續努力。

「你及格了！你是可以的！＝）」

而這次，竟然連環炮，連續兩次及格，還比上次高分。
教師似乎對我的進步非常滿意，再次在測驗封面寫鼓勵的話，讓我好感動努力終於有那麼一點點的成果。

「做得好！繼續努力！」

雖然考的不是什麼A，但能從一個不及格的U跳到一個D，我快要瘋了。

化學教師他之前都覺得我只是不夠努力的諷刺我，但最近的他開始對我不同，選擇給我鼓勵。
我是個吃軟不吃硬的人，而真的，我快樂的時候表現也會相對的好很多。
能從只指責（而幾乎譏笑）我，開始選擇激勵我，我真的好感動。
原來那麼多人願意對我好。

當時的我真的被好多東西感動得好想哭，再加上兩年來都不及格之後突然連續及格的那種心情，真的啊。

那天的我真的真的好開心。

數學導課時數學教師叫了我和我一名同班同學出去，給了我們之前小測驗重考的試卷。
再次不及格。
他個別問了我們到底付出了多少努力。

又來了。
怎麼一位教師不再討厭我之後，又另一個教師開始討厭我？
回到教室，我努力看起來沒有不快樂，可是在內心裡我整天快樂的心情還是受到了一些打擊。
同班同學問了我是否會不快樂（因為他那樣被教師說後變得不快樂很多），而我只說，我沒有不快樂，我只是希望四點十五分快點到來。
因為那個時候我就放學。

地理導課後就放學了，就如約定好的，我和我物理教師見面。
我們找了一個空著的課室，而我開始向他討教物理有關的問題。
但我想見他的原因可不是單單的想向他討教問題，我最終只是希望能見他一次面，因為他可是我唯一在這校園裡的推動力。
開始和他聊天，他知道我不是被我化學教師對待得很好，而我這次很欣喜的向他說化學教師開始對我好很多，我的成績也終於有了好轉。
物理教師他當然的為我感到很歡喜，但我繼續說著之後又突如其來的數學課的不快樂。
說了其他的學生，說著其他的教師，我們還甚至三八的說了一些人的壞話～：Ｘ

就是這樣，讓我安心，讓我歡喜。
請繼續讓我開心吧～

Books I Want To Read

2011-08-07T23:57:00.001+08:00

It's been a long time since I last really spent like hours just walking around bookstores and really take my time to have a close look on every single book that interests me. So sometime ago, I was just randomly walking around Times in Paragon and Kinokuniya in Ngee Ann City and I came up with a list of books I'm gonna buy when I have the money.

I swear I'm going to buy and read at least... three-quarters of them, but now I don't have the money so naturally I don't have the books (and I dislike borrowing books from the library because I like to keep books forever since its mine and I don't read books only once). I'll probably start on this list say, the coming January and finish this list throughout my National Service years (while adding new books I come across to this list), and I'm going to buy them myself, and I mean it.

In rough order of interest in their respective languages:

English
50 Physics Ideas You Really Need To Know (Joanne Baker)
One Day (David Nicholls)
50 Ideas You Really Need To Know: Universe (Joanne Baker)
Alex's Adventures in Numberland (Alex Bellos)
The Pig That Wants To Be Eaten (Julian Baggini)
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower (Stephen Chbosky)
City of Small Blessings (Simon Tay)
The King's Speech: How One Man Saved the British Monarchy (Mark Logue/Peter Conradi)
Eleven Minutes (Paulo Coelho)
The Art Of Racing In The Rain (Garth Stein)
A Tiny Bit Marvellous (Dawn French)
When God Was A Rabbit (Sarah Winman)
Great Speeches: Words That Made History (ISBN: 9780670072446)
The Greatest Science Stories Never Told (Rick Beyer)
The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)

中文
昔年往事 (三浦紫苑)
上蒼選了妳: 全民女孩Selina的地獄90天 (張承中)
樓下的房客 (九把刀)
二手書店的旅行 (鄭絜心、pepe、編輯部採訪小組)
我的不完美 (劉若英)
父親的手 (麥倫．尤伯格)
人生就是不停的戰鬥 (九把刀)

寄放心情

2011-08-03T22:00:00.003+08:00

我這個人近期來變得很依賴。

我不再有著之前所謂的防衛性的「獨立」；因為我的物理教師的關係我開始學會對人卸下我的心防，開始用真誠來對待人。
說穿了，我只不過還是一個小孩，需要大人們持續不斷的鼓勵。
所以，被人關心、肯定、看好，那感覺非常棒。

最近心情其實蠻低落的，但是對我迎面而來，讓我很驚訝的是——很多的鼓勵。
本來還以為討厭我的化學教師竟然開始對我很好；幾天前剛好放學後碰到他一起搭地鐵。
他鼓勵著我，說他相信我非常有潛力，一定能考試優等成績的。
他一直說我的表現令他擔憂，而他也說他希望能幫助我擬定從現在到A水準大考的一個計劃表。
從之前直接否定我付出的努力變到這個地步，我實在非常的感動。
竟然……原來你也相信我？

而今天早上校長把全年級的學生依年中考試的成績分成不同組別講說。
我屬於在學校裡第二差的組別。而校長首次這麼的苦口婆心對著我們說話。
她說著努力的重要性，但也強調了如何有效率、目標，不死腦經的只會死讀書，而是利用腦袋的思考與判斷。
聽著她說的話，讓我覺得自己不僅不夠努力，還盲目的唸書，一天又一天的唸，但卻沒東西進入腦袋。
原來，我就是這麼的沒有善用我的時間。

幾天來，突然好多種不同的領悟。
我的肉體彷彿是死的，每天我都強迫自己打起精神來聽課。
我很累，真的真的非常累。
但，就是這些精神上的激勵，推動我向前。

而當然，物理老師依舊是我最大的動力。
他是我最大想要成功的原因，而如今我最大的願望就是成為他的驕傲。
他對我來說，就是那麼的重要。

但他最近讓我非常的擔心，甚至有點心神不寧。
這幾個星期來，他的健康方面沒有很好，感冒似乎有點嚴重。
之前聽到他咳嗽，心立刻揪了一下，好心疼。
我一直不斷的勸說，叫他請個假不要來學校了，但他就是那麼固執，堅持來學校只為了不要麻煩其他老師幫他代課。
他那樣硬拼，我實在是好難過，甚至小小的生氣——怎麼能那樣的對自己的身體，讓關心他的人擔憂？

上星期早上如同以往我們相約喝咖啡。
當時我還以為他好很多了，只不過還有一些痰，所以我聽他聲音一直覺得有點不對勁。
但至少沒有什麼大礙，讓我放鬆了不少。
結果，這星期他又病發。
多休息啊，我對他說，依舊嘮叨著他不要來上班在家裡好好休息。
你看，我都說了，與其硬撐結果病那麼久，還不如就一次過休養的夠，休養到痊癒為止？
就是這樣一直讓我好擔心。

但雖擔心，可是我還是繼續努力著，一直嚮往著我那憧憬。
突然，儘管多麼的疲憊，但我卻有著那麼強大的推動力，讓我好有繼續努力的意志。
怎麼之前從來都沒有這種感覺，而這種感覺在我最墮落的時候突如其來？

Belief

2011-08-01T23:35:00.000+08:00

I really love my subject tutors.

The first one has got to be my Physics tutor Mr Cha, who I'd mentioned a gazillion times here. Some people think he is boring, but I see a really unique and special quality in him the first time he took over our tutorials, even before I got close to him personally. Outside school, he understands me so well - as much, if not more than I do myself - , being so similar to me in nature. For some time already I have affirmed his importance and significance in shaping my life - present and future. He is not just a tutor; he is not just a friend - he is so much more to me, so special that it's impossible for me to describe it fully no matter how many times I try. It is just that... 'glow' that I always see in him.

I also highly respect Ms Lim, my General Paper tutor. Despite it being really tiring to have to listen to her go through assignments after assignments, I find it very interesting and eye-opening whenever she talks about a selected topic and brings in illuminating insights. It really amazes me how she can randomly quote from someone, or casually recommend related (and really good) books, articles, movies and videos in the middle of a discussion. Going through her class makes me feel like I'm seeing a bigger picture of the world, day-by-day. She seem to hold a lot of knowledge in her brain, while having very interesting thoughts and viewpoints towards life and various other issues.

Here's a new one - my Chemistry tutor Mr Lee.

Yesterday leaving the school in the evening after studying alone I was at the bus stop and Mr Lee happened to be heading for home as well, accompanied by another Chemistry tutor Ms Vina Ng at the bus stop. Our class has been gossiping about the possible relations between the two of them considering how close they walk together, so it was a very strange feeling trying to pretend nothing was happening and ignore them.

I was wanting to avoid an awkward moment, but to my dismay, I had to say hi to Mr Lee finally when we had to get on the same bus.

So there was the three of us in the bus, standing adjacent to each other - me, Mr Lee, Ms Ng; 1.75m, around 1.68m, around 1.80m (with heels).

I didn't say much to Mr Lee, except when he asked why I was going home so late and I said I study after school in the college compounds everyday. For the rest of the bus ride, Mr Lee was mostly speaking to Ms Ng (in Chinese, to my surprise), and there were some silent moments too.

At the bus stop near the train station, Ms Ng continued on her bus ride and Mr Lee and I got down, walking from the bus stop to the train station. I started a conversation as I walked beside him, and it went something like this:

"Are you taking the train?"
"Yes"
(me cringing my face)
"Is it awkward?"
"No, it was more awkward in the bus."
"Why do you say that?" (giving an amused face)
"'Cause I felt like I was interrupting your intimacy."

Mr Lee started to get very curious but I went on.

"Do you want to comment on your relationship with Ms Vina Ng?"
"What do you mean?"
"You see, our class has been gossiping a lot about the two of you; you've been going very close - always walking together, talking to each other, and even in terms of reliefing.
"Reliefing?" (Mr Lee was thinking of something else)
"I mean when you're absent you always push us to her..."

Mr Lee went on to say that he got the help of Ms Ng to relief our class because her own classes were relatively small. He then went on to say that there's nothing going on between the two of them; Ms Ng is attached herself and Mr Lee also has his own fiancée.

I then went on to gossip about another Chemistry tutor. Opps.

"So you now know that I am not that..." (searching for the right word)
"Flirtatious."
"Yea."

Waiting for the pedestrian lights to turn green, I went on to ask more details about his fiancée, like when he was planning to get married (not very soon apparently).

"So are you going to invite us?"
"No."
(giving him a big frown)

Apparently his excuse is that he cannot possibly invite all his students, and he does not want to make it a carnival; he only wants to invite some closer and intimate individuals (so not even all his colleagues are going I suppose). So throughout the route from the bus stop to the train station we were having a conversation about his relationship, in which he was quite willing to share.

Apparently his fiancée is also a teacher, so I mentioned about how interesting it would be if only Mr Lee and his future wife were both teaching in the same school, going on to talk about how interesting Mr Chen and Mdm Koh are as a couple in the college. I mentioned about how Mdm Koh once called him in the middle of Geography lecture and Mr Chen just said a few lines and hung up on her while he was half-way through lecturing us.

(walking up the stairs to the train station) "Where do you live?"
"Do you know where is Telok Blangah?"
"Yes~~~" (sounding surprised and amazed)

Apparently he used to hang out a lot with his girlfriend (his fiancée or ex- I don't know) in this region around my neighbourhood during his university days in NUS (very close to my house).

We talked a little about the distance. I said how I used to fall asleep till Boon Lay and he said he had a friend who took a train from Buona Vista and woke up at the same stop.

He was so much more friendly towards me than I had thought he would be. I always almost thought he sort of disliked me considering my horrendous results.

The topic shifted to my studies when we were on the train. I told him how I was starting to physically catch up to school work, at least completing the required tasks in the scheme of works, but in terms of tests in time-trials I am starting to have random blank-out sessions. Mr Lee said that it is probably a stress issue but the only way to deal with it is to keep doing questions till the questions are just so familiar. Talking about his worries for my Chemistry grade, I revealed to him how pessimistic I am towards my Chemistry grade in A Level.

"Isn't an 'A' what everyone is aiming for?"
"Yes, but I really don't know if and don't think that I can get to that level...

It really encouraged me a million when Mr Lee said that he has had students with U grades throughout and can still get A and B grades during the actual A Level. He told me that it is definitely possible for me to ace my A Level H2 Chemistry as long as I put in continued effort and also work with him, looking for him for consultations whenever possible. He said that I have more or less shown that it is possible for me to do well, since at the start of the year I was screwing up my Chemistry SPA badly as well, and as he said after he had "scolded" me, I improved drastically immediately from the next experiment.

All that Mr Lee had said to me was very important to me, considering my negativity and pessimism towards my Chemistry grades. It's making me so motivated for Chemistry as well; with this assurance that hard work can eventually pay off, I'm not giving up that easily.

Matters of the Hair

2011-07-26T18:37:00.005+08:00

Last week, I went to school feeling very shagged and my hair was pretty much unkempt as I didn't pay much attention to organise it. As I was going to school I was feeling a bit annoyed by my fringe already so I had decided to have my hair cut the next day. My suspicion that my hair looked horrendous was confirmed when I met Mr Cha in the assembly plaza and he sort of mentioned about my hair. So I knew very well I should be cutting my hair already, without the Discipline Committee telling me about it.

It just so happened that during morning assembly that day Mr Alvin from the college's discipline committee announced that there would be an attire check this week so the guys were reminded to have their hair cut, etc. "Okay then," I thought, since I was very willing to have my haircut, with or without their reminder.

The next day which was a Saturday, I went to Supercuts like I've always done ever since entering this college. This time, I decided I wanted something really shorter than I've ever cut there, something cleaner and much lower maintenance than usual. So I really cut it pretty short, and was pretty pleased with how it turned out since I indeed felt fresher - very clear-cut and neat a hairstyle for a student without looking like a dork.

Today though, during morning assembly our principal Ms Lai asked Mr Firdaus — my Civics Tutor — over. She started pointing left and right at Yeh Hang, which we found out later to be about his hair. All was fairly normal until after the national anthem was sung she asked Mr Firdaus over again and said,

"This boy as well; the hair at the back is not going to last for two weeks."

She pointed at me, scrutinising me as if I was some imbecile creature. Naturally, having just had a fresh haircut, particularly when this is shorter than what I would usually cut to, I was naturally unhappy.

Firstly, my hair may grow relatively quickly compared to many of my peers, but in absolute terms my hair does not grow as quickly as you think they do. Please do not assume you have my DNA and you know exactly how fast every strand of my hair grows.

Secondly, how is it that for close to two years the Discipline Committee has approved my post-cut hair but yet this time my shortest hair ever is caught, and not by the Discipline Committee? What is this, varying standards? Or is someone in need of a new pair of spectacles?

Next, how can you judge my hair based on what is going to happen in two weeks time? To catch a person's hair for the appearance two weeks later is a paradox and to argue for this case would be fallacious! This is just atrocious! Would it only appease everyone if I shave bald? Still, then again extending the opposite argument as just mentioned, wouldn't I still get caught for being bald when they are going to grow back in three months time? This just doesn't make sense.

I believe that the original intent of hair rules is to maintain a healthy school image towards the public and also to rid the males of long hair strands flying around and distracting them. I absolutely agree with this; students represent the school and should have the responsibility of upholding their personal image. However, this rule should be enforced flexibly and not in such an absolute and rigid manner. It is simply appalling to see how bounded students are.

In fact, it is atrocious to have to see students being put into such scrutiny when many adults in the school aren't acting exactly like good role models. There is a particular Chemistry tutor who dyes his hair gold, this morning my class witnessed this female tutor in a dress that barely covers her feminine regions, and even the lady in the photocopying shop wears skirts so short that even a relatively-open boy like me shy.

I'm not even asking for schools in Singapore today to follow, say, American and Taiwanese school culture where the students practically do not have hair restrictions at all. All I wish is for people to understand that yes, we are students, but we are living in the 21st century in a modern and democratic society. We do not live in an authoritarian nation where there is no room for heterogeneity and there is a need to have everyone have the exact same image.

Something has to be done about this.

我的心情與牛頓第二運動定律的關係

2011-07-24T22:37:00.003+08:00

我一天比一天的更討厭我的生活。

我一直都很懊惱為何我要生在此處，活在此時，上蒼把我安排在這裡是否有什麼特殊的理由？
那種，隱形的痛，實在讓我好不舒服。
我好想作嘔。

我每天都需要提醒自己我為什麼還需要活著，否則我真的覺得我會放棄。
若我真的不再管我自己，任由天造化，我看我應該會變得很墮落。
因為我就是那麼的無能。

依照牛頓第二運動定律，
F_net = (dp/dt)
F_net = [d(mv)/dt]
F_net = m(dv/dt) + v(dm/dt)
∵ 假設重量不變， (dm/dt) = 0

∴ F_net = m • a
⇒ F_{往前的動力} + F_{阻力與往後的動力} = m_心 • a

現在的我，F_{往前的動力}是個常數，而F_{阻力與往後的動力}每天的都在增加，因此我的加速度a每天都在銳減。
很快的，我的速度將要掉到0，甚至會到負數。

因此，要讓我再次往前走，有三個辦法。

＊

第一，增加F_{往前的動力}。

如今，我身邊也沒什麼東西能作為我的動力。
因為我現在唯一的動力是我的物理教師對我的期許、關愛、照料，所以我時常都選擇刻意與過度的放大他對我的重要性。
我對他的敬愛，有時甚至到了一種或許別人會看成是病態的程度。
可是，即使很不健康，我也要這樣。
因為沒有了這個動力，我的生活也就只剩下了一個downward spiral的惡性循環。
所以，我每天都在試圖刻意的放大這個往前的動力的根源，試圖讓F_{往前的動力}成為這方程式的重心。

因此，若我今天能放下我身邊所有的一切，讓他成為我的全世界，我會的。

＊

第二，減少F_{阻力與往後的動力}。

最近，每天我所受到阻力與往後的動力都增加，讓我的心情真的非常的不好。
要減少這些是不可能的，至少在我A水準考試之前不可能。
因為我的家人不可能在這三個月內死光光，我的課業壓力也不可能不減少。

也因為F_{阻力與往後的動力}是這整個方程式的中心（因為它現在真的真的很大），所以既然不能去除掉它，所以我有時候真的覺得放棄算了。
（不用擔心我自殺，因為我很怕痛，也害怕死得很難看。我唯一可以接受自己的死法是老死。：Ｐ）

＊

第三，減少m_心（增加我內心的輕盈度）。

我一向來都把發生在我身上的事看得很重，其實也是因為如此，F_{阻力與往後的動力}才能夠那麼的不受限制。
若我不把事情看得那麼的重，選擇將所有的事情都看得很開，放輕鬆，那些負面能力能影響到我嗎？
不會。

所以，也正是我17年來無法放下很多的事情，我至今才會如此，才會有這篇文章。
我的心情才會那麼的糟糕。

可是，要對周遭的事物置之不理是非常的困難的。
要冷血可不是想像中的那麼的容易，因為怎麼說我也是有血有肉，血氣方剛的少年啊。
我怎麼可能能猶如歷經歷練與滄桑的70嵗老婆婆那麽的看透全世界？

＊

我每天都想自由，渴望那天能真正獨立的那一天。
那是我唯一對未來的憧憬，我對自己的期許。

我也很想成功，有出人頭地的那一天，成為相信我的人的驕傲。

或許這一切的一切都只是個過渡期，所以我必須相信加速度a早晚會增加，改天的我會更好，會更快樂。
就算今天的我再怎麼痛，我也必須熬下去，把所有的一切與一切都吞下。

這樣的我，F_net才會超過0，我的心情才會很好。

Best Thing I Never Had

2011-07-22T21:05:00.004+08:00

Thank you for letting me no longer feel guilty, for never having been attached to you for the 17 years of my life so far.

Just as I came to this realisation, I was also reaffirmed that I've already found the next better player months ago. Turns out, what people say about "when God closes a door, he opens another window" is totally true. In fact, for me (despite myself not being religious) God shut an entire rubbish chute out and opened up the most majestic door I had ever been through. So, thank you, for allowing me to appreciate what I now have even more than before.

I was once taught by a very special person that I should be thankful to 'the one above', for every episode planned upon me cannot hurt me but instead should be embraced as valuable lessons of self-realisation and self-discovery. All these only serve to make me a better person as I search for my purpose in life, even though ultimately the process may be more worthy than the outcomes that may happen.

I now realise that every pain I go through leads up to something. My years being this lonesome, solemn person has taught me to learn how to make decision for myself; my generally introvert character has taught me to be independent. However, not only so, it was my interaction with you that taught me to love, honour and appreciate this other person even more.

So once again, thank you, for making me come to this realisation that it was nothing to have my first 17 years wasted, for now I have finally found the best thing I'll ever have.

While you will always be the best thing I never had.

(How liberating this feels!)

It Worries Me

2011-07-21T17:21:00.001+08:00

It worries me when I see you like this.

Why must you push yourself like this? You are always so selfless - putting others before yourself, but you end up mistreating your own body. You said you don't want to trouble your colleagues to take over your tasks, but don't they get sick someday and then at that time you would have the chance to relief their duties in return?

I really think it makes little sense for you to push yourself that way and end up not getting a speedy recovery. You must know that just as you care so little about yourself and so much for others, there are people who care very much about you too. How can you be ill for a week (so far), only take leave for the first two days and going to work not feeling any much better, and still expect me to not be bothered?

Every time I hear a rowdy bout of cough from you, my heart misses a beat and I just get so, so worried. You must realise how important you are and take good care of yourself, because only then, you are not only doing yourself a favour but also doing an even bigger favour to everyone else who care.

I understand what you think; I have always been like this too - choosing to ignore any ailment I have and continuing to work as usual. However, it is only now that I realise the implications of what I do if then there were people who cared for me. I just don't want to see you push yourself so hard; it hurts me every time I think of how you just suppress everything within yourself.

If you being healthy means me rarely seeing you, then I don't want to see you tomorrow, really. If I could, I would take the illness for you instead.

Repetitive

2011-07-20T23:57:00.001+08:00

As of now for my 5 subjects I have two H2 'U's (Chemistry and Mathematics), one H2 'S' (Geography), one H1 'C' (Physics), and a H1 'E' (General Paper).

I have already accepted my atrociously bad grades for what they already are, and for now it's just studying and studying in the college on school days. Since the end of the Mid-Year Exam papers, I've been staying back in school every school day to study. I'm not even doing my own revision since it already takes up all my time trying to prepare the materials for the weekly tests and weekly assignments for every single subject.

I'm been so busy trying to meet up the pace of the college's revision schedule that I've forgotten all about my own and personal revision. On Mondays I have Physics, Geography and General Paper tests, while on Friday I have Mathematics and Chemistry tests. Not only so I have papers after papers to complete every week apart from the revision questions for lectures.

Despite the mad rush though, I no longer feel so pathetic about myself. All I choose to do is to just faithfully do my required work at the exact time-slot everyday, and repeat this cycle day after day. Apparently after some pain you slowly grow to accept, or numb, its existence and live with it as it is.

Perhaps the academia is an outlet for emotional relief. I see all these work as a great distraction from other worldly or even close-to-heart matters; it kind off flushes your energy off you so you can just fall asleep of tiredness without thinking of anything else. Since I am not exactly happy, I might as well stop wallowing in my own sorrow and spend time more productively.

Apparently I'm one of the many other students who have to be part of the upcoming Meet-the-Parents Session. I had a slight debate with my previous CT last year over allowing my face-to-face meeting to be changed into a phone conversation instead, but he finally relented anyway after some word exchange. I don't think he can do anything if my mum don't appear anyway. This time, I suppose do not intend for my mum to be appearing too. It just does not makes sense for my mother to be travelling for hours just to talk for ten minutes when this can be done on the phone anyway. So I intend to tell Mr Firdaus that soon if there would be a face-to-face meeting time arranged soon.

In fact, what point is it talking to my mum, or even any other member of my family? I've always been pretty much disassociated with my family and am pretty much independent in thinking and decision-making since Secondary School or even Primary School. Perhaps my blog probably holds more information about me I suppose. Or rather, even my Physics tutor knows more about who I am than anyone else - all he took was 70 minutes to understand more about me and get closer to my heart than my entire family ever had for 17 years. A little beyond the norm, I know.

I've always been this lone-ranger for all my life and I don't see drastic changes to my character any time soon. Actually I really think it would be more productive for any authorities to talk to me straight rather than to biologically-close people around me.

For now I'll just continue with the repetitive lifestyle I've started recently.

我更確信

2011-07-19T01:12:00.000+08:00

這幾天來我心中有了某種領悟。
我一步一步的發現，原來你說的一字一句都比我想像中的還要來得正確……

你說我急著於蛻變，讓我發現，你竟然用了我從沒說出口的詞彙！
不管是隨口還是有意的說出，這關鍵的字眼還是從你的嘴出現了。
「蛻變」，它一直都纏繞在我心裡面，即使是在你說之前。
但怎麼你把我的心，仿佛當成讀過百遍的詩篇，到了那種倒背如流的局面？

我在近期裡面，心中其實一直想要蛻變。
被綑入蟬絲多年，我一直好想破繭而出成為美麗的蝴蝶。
但你問了我，是否曾經想過，若沒有長期在蛹中的鍛練，我是否將來還會對世界有一樣的貢獻？
這時的我，才發現，我或許該等到時間成熟的那天，到當時才走向這世界，開啓我的那一片天。
也許當時的我，才會是完成了最完美的蛻變，而我付出多年的辛勞才沒有白費。

你對我的了解，比我預料的竟然還更完全。
具體到，詳細到，好像你是直接從我的眼睛看世界，把我未曾具體寫出的日記展示至你的聲線。
你對我的了解，就是如此的貼切。
到底你是在我的腦袋瓜裡放置竊聽器還是在我的眼裡裝了針孔攝像機？

當我以為你是世界上最最最陽光的人，你對我說你其實也很孤僻，我們都是天涯淪落人。
你又何曾沒有失落過？
只是，和我相處時你特別顯得開朗，而我只是，相對的悲觀與多愁善感。
當我以為你對每個人都那麼的活潑，你讓我發現，你只是特別喜歡向我展示你燦爛的美。
所以非常的謝謝你，非常的感謝你，讓我看見你這獨家的特寫。

我每天都在學習，從你這個榜樣學習做人的道理。
而我從不後悔我時刻仔細寧聽你的話語。
因為，原來過了一下下的時間，這些話會跑回到我的身邊，讓我無師自通的領悟與體會。

若別人的恩師教了他們釣魚的技能，那你不只如此。
你還教我暴風雨時如何應變，鯊魚來襲該如何應對，釣魚時該做什麼消遣，努力一天後如何烹調新鮮的海鮮。
你甚至送了我座燈塔，讓我在黑暗的夜也能看見全世界，讓我永遠對世界無畏。

當我察覺你曾對我說過的話其實一直都纏繞著我，我才更確定——你是最了解我的人。

曙光

2011-07-15T00:15:00.001+08:00

從上星期五到這星期二爲止我經歷了非常黑暗的一段時間。

從來沒有覺得自己那麼的卑微、低能，從來沒有感覺過那麼的沮喪、失落。
在我眼前的什麼都不是；我眼前一片漆黑。
當時的我真的真的很不快樂。

在星期二的早上，我從化學教師手中拿回了年中考的試卷。
我是失敗得一敗塗地，我是那麼的一事無成。
不及格得，好徹底。
已經都拿回了那麼多份的成績，卻至今沒有一個是讓我滿意的。

在休息時間時，我獨自的站在課室外的樓梯間附近，眺望著校園外的組屋。
我的內心充斥著雜亂的心情，我的思路是模糊、不穩定。

而終於，我哭了。

這幾年來，我都不允許自己在別人能看見我的地方哭。
我盡可能的，一直都掩蓋自己内心的脆弱，一直要讓其他人覺得我是堅強的。

就算我根本不是如此。

我心裡想——「我不能繼續不及格下去，我也不能讓相信我的人失望」。
如今我的物理教師他是我至今一生當中最能夠讓我感覺到關愛、呵護及被了解的，我最想依偎著的人。
我唯一的目標，就是能夠成為他的驕傲。
我想要的，就只是讓他對我的信賴沒有白費。

我在淚滴滑過我整張臉前迅速的把它擦乾，但我的眼睛依然紅腫。

教師他剛好走上樓梯，看見我在樓梯間旁，他叫了我一聲進課室去。

當天拿回的是物理年中考試試卷一，當我拿回試卷時——呃？
怎麼滿分30，我竟然考到了18分？
我一時會意不過來自己盡然終於有一份成績是不錯的，因此一臉痴呆了好一會兒。

我在那個當下，從黑暗走出來了。
我不再感覺那種墜入谷底的空虛、失落。

星期三的中午，我在講堂裡拿回了物理試卷二。
這試卷佔整科目絕大的部分，因此對我來說格外的重要。

拿回了試卷，我發現竟然沒算總分數，因為才剛改完只有記下來每一題各自的分數。好煩喔，幹嘛吊我胃口！

算了算分數——滿分80，我考到了39。

傍晚放學後我待在校園裡面念書，物理教師發了封簡訊給我，說我及格了，我的努力終於有了成果。

在星期四的物理課時我向物理教師要了好多我應得的分數，加了加，竟然加了四分。
而我最後自己算了算分，總共我考到了55.5%，是個C。
雖然也不是什麼驚天動地的成績，但能從不及格的百分之30多的U一次跳了四級，這實在對我來說很重要。

當時的我心裡只想，有朝一日我一定得讓教師他驕傲。
看來，明年在大考放榜時我是有那麼一小點的可能，和學校裡一半的同學被叫上台從校長手中領取成績單。
我終於看見了小小的曙光。

懇求上蒼讓我最終能得償所願，能讓我沒有白費我一生的精神積蓄。
請讓我所付出的，有回報。

It Gets Better

2011-07-13T00:58:00.001+08:00

(Just to clarify, the title of the entry has got nothing to do with the LGBT rights campaign, though I'm a supporter despite being straight.)

I ended up crying on Tuesday after I got back my Chemistry papers from Mr Lee in tutorial.

I had been suppressing my urge to cry for days and I finally couldn't take it after getting back my Chemistry paper. 28%.

Mr Lee wasn't even sarcastic nor harsh on me this time; as he returned me my paper he said with the gentlest voice I ever heard from him for me to try harder. It was just so, so painful for me to be getting that sort of grades when I'm taught by such a qualified, such a cool tutor. I expected myself more or less to fail, but despite the mental preparation I already had beforehand I still couldn't be cool about my grades this time.

I really did all I could to force my tears from accumulating. I looked horrible, being constantly on the brim of crying. The next period was a break so I was with my classmates Tsz Kin and Rebecca in the canteen. We met Marcus and Jeremiah so we joined them eating. Marcus really is a great person; he saw how devastated I was and his words of encouragement is one of the most useful and encouraging ones I've ever heard and it really helped me a lot at that point of them. I am really grateful to him for that.

Proceeding back to class before Physics tutorial the great urge to cry came back in avalanches. I was alone, at the stairway beside my class, looking out at the flats and school across the college. Then, the moment finally came when I couldn't stop the accumulation of moisture at my eyes and there — I cried.

I immediately wiped them off and made myself get back to normal, but Rebecca could tell from the look in my eyes anyway. She was pretty helpless as to how to help me so all she could do was give me some tissue when I had already wiped off all my tears. I know though, that she is very thoughtful and I really am thankful for having this classmate.

The next lesson was going to be Physics tutorial and I was really afraid with regards to my Physics results. I thought, if I had then already by then failed 2 H2 subjects and am not even getting a decent General Paper grade, what are the chances of me getting a good grade in Physics? I really cannot waste away another subject; I cannot let Mr Cha down. My little dream at this stage of my life is to be someone that Mr Cha can be really really be proud of, and if I continue scoring that horrendously, how can I ever achieve this goal?

There I was, still standing at the stairway looking out. My emotions were unstable and my mind was just so saturated with all these uncertainty and negativity. Just then, Mr Cha walked up the stairs to go to our class, and seeing me there alone he asked for me to get into the class for he would be starting the class. There he is, my sole motivation at this point of my life. Time to face the music once again.

For that tutorial, we were getting back our Paper 1 (MCQs), and to my surprise, 18/30 — a 'B' grade at 60.0%! Some days ago before I got back my results Mr Cha said I did fine but he still thought I could achieve more, so I thought I probably got an 'E' grade. It really came as a shock, 'U's for all my H2s and here, a 'B'? Despite Paper 1 only taking up a small percentage of their entire subject it really cheered me up very very much, especially due to the significance of this subject to me. From that period onwards my crying urge totally subsided and it in fact I was a little cheerier.

This feeling is like... seeing light for the very first time after being trapped in darkness for days. It's like drinking hot coffee after getting caught in the rain. It's just the sense of hope after being caught in the quicksand of despair.

So it's decided — I'll do you proud one day.

Bad.

2011-07-10T22:07:00.001+08:00

"Jun Xian, are you okay? You look extremely worried."

Ms Karen Lim said this to me over two rows of my fellow classmates during GP on Friday. That was how bad I looked that day, it was obvious to everyone I was feeling horrible apparently.

Friday was the first day of the new school term right after the last paper of the Mid-Year Examinations. It was very scary for me since right at the first period of the day - Geography, I took back my first marked script from the MYEs. Geography Paper 1.

I failed, with a 36%. Everyone else seemed to have gotten at least a sub-pass, and I also see a considerable number of students passing the paper quite well. This contrast really strikes me deep and the solemn and negativity within me just builds up.

I got back Mathematics Paper 1 next. 31% - another fail. How great.

It greatly saddened me already, and for this very first time I felt really useless of myself. Never had I ever been so concerned and affected by my results; I used to have a pretty happy-go-lucky attitude towards my academics, but being in Meridian JC for my senior year really changes everything.

Fine, I knew that I wouldn't score well, but a U? At this point of time, just 3 months to go before my 'A' Level examinations, and I'm scoring a U? What good is a U? How can I even expect to jump multiple grades to get an A, or at least a B in my actual 'A' Level paper?

Our college's principal Ms Lai has very much succeeded in making me have this 'be-all or end-all' attitude towards my education, making me feel like as long as I don't get straight aces I very much will be a failure in life. I don't blame her for that; I blame myself for my incompetence. I don't need the college anthem to remind me that I should be "born of a vision to be the best; rising above the rest"; even before I entered the college that was pretty much one way or another what I dreamt to be.

My whole life, never had I ever felt like shedding a tear for my results. I had always thought that god (despite not being religious) will make a way for everyone - mainstream or alternative. I had always dreamt that even if I don't do well for my 'O' Level papers or 'A' Level papers I can still end up achieving many things in life. However, why is it that at this point of time I no longer feel this way?

(Even the thought of this right now makes my eyes really moist as I sniffle. It's just so... painful.)

During General Paper tutorial I seemed to no longer be able to conceal how horrendous I felt; it was so obvious that Ms Lim could see that ugly face of mine rows away. As she said that, the entire class turned over and looked at me, leaving me to only force out a weak smile in an attempt to convince people that I was fine.

I wasn't.

I managed to get 26/50 for my GP Paper 1. How is it that I am scoring this kind of score in my H1? My H1s (Chinese, Project Work, General Paper and Physics) are my favourite subjects and I really cannot afford to be attaining such grades if I'm already failing my three H2s!

"What good am I?", I asked myself. I wasn't able to answer that question.

My emotions hit an all-new low during Chemistry lecture. No, I didn't receive any papers back; we just went through some solutions. However my mind was so saturated with all the negativity during the lecture my eyes just kept watering and every time it accumulated I had to intercept the moisture before it fell off my cheek by pretending I was tired and just rubbing my eyes. Thank god it was a lecture and no other student could see your face anyway.

After school I wanted to allow myself to settle a little so I decided to walk to the train station instead of taking a bus there. It didn't seemed to help at all. In fact I looked as if someone in my family died (even though actually I would be pretty calm towards that). While I was on my way I passed by a void deck with two insolent teenagers who don't even qualify as ah bengs. One of the guy starting going "MJC MJC MJC GO!" and I couldn't even be bothered to care about him or be offended; I just floated past them as if they were transparent. Now that I think of it, you guys need to actually get a life and shut up!

I went to sleep slightly earlier that day and on Saturday afternoon, I went out just to buy printer ink. These stuffs are easily available at VivoCity, but after that I decided not to go home but instead went further, wanting to take a walk to make myself feel better. I usually don't eat lunch unless someone else eats with me, but this time I felt very hungry so I had no choice to eat alone at Marina Square food court. It was the first time I was there after its renovation, and it looked pretty good.

It was just a long walk, first in the City Hall region before proceeding to Dhoby Ghaut, walking down towards Orchard. As I was walking, by the time I passed by the Istana I felt a great urge to find a quiet Starbucks to have a drink to sink in my sorrow. As I went further and further down, the Starbucks outlets in 313@Somerset, in CentrePoint, in Paragon, etc. were all filled. What, I can't even find a seat to cry in?

Finally, a seat in Wisma Atria's Starbucks. I ordered an Grande-sized Iced Green Tea Latte and sat alone at a rounded table amidst all the crowds of people. There I was, idling away, not doing anything at all. It wasn't east for me at all to rest, since I am quite an workaholic and I am the type who must always be doing something. I didn't feel any better though. The great urge to cry was still there.

I still didn't want to go home. I just didn't feel like it. It wasn't even 10pm; it was pretty early but usually by this time I would tell myself to go home already. This day though was an exception. If I could not go home for the night I would. I wasted my time again in Starbucks, this time in VivoCity with a Venti Caffe Latte. I just sat there, glued to my seat right at the corner of the store, looking around the store at the groups of people around and watching people come and go. I stayed till 12 midnight, the closing time for the day.

Today I woke up and decided to work on Objet Trouve, which was the theme of the the Photography Club Alumni exhibition for this year. It was the last day for submission, and I felt compelled to be taking part since its now or never. It was a challenging theme to work with in the first place, but walking around Daiso yesterday gave me some ideas, albeit amateurish. In fact I had so much time at home I did this:

Yes, its just 9 seconds. However it's made up of 89 separate photographs. By the time I bothered ending this animation my legs were really sore 'cause they were hovering between a full kneel and half-squat position for tens of minutes. Okay back to the topic. Putting all my mind-power into my submission really allowed me to fill my mind with something that was better worth my heart and soul rather than me continuously thinking about my horrendous results. I just forgot about everything else and concentrated on this.

I really hope I don't feel as horrible on Monday and Tuesday.

負荷不了

2011-07-10T19:39:00.001+08:00

年中考試完畢之後第一天就開始拿回一些改完了的試卷。
我實在覺得很不舒服，心中充滿著恐懼、擔憂。

一大清早第一堂課就收回了地理試卷一。
36％，不及格。
我的心，已經開始沉，開始低落。
A水準大概三個月左右就快開始了，怎麼我到現在還會考到如此惡劣的成績？
我無法不被自己考到的成績影響，我實在放不下，不能不為所動。

第二節課是體育課。還好，體育同課業沒有關係。
雖然我體育也沒有好到哪裡去，但是至少不及格不會傷感，不及格也不會毀了前程。
其他已經在體育測驗中及格了的同學都開始玩各類運動，而我得同其他不及格的學生一起繼續的練。

體育老師要我們開始慢跑個四圈，平時的我都就一直埋怨下去，然後跑到一半就開始受不了而走路了。
但是，怎麼這次跑得還蠻輕鬆的？
怎麼這次，跑起來竟然比上個學期還來得輕鬆？
或許就是上一節課時所累積起來的負面能力，能藉著汗珠一滴一滴地放釋出來，就是這種感覺讓我覺得比較輕盈吧。

休息時間和同班同學吃了飯後正走著路，剛好和我最親愛的物理教師經過。
其實遇見他我很高興；那是我每天到學校的唯一期待。
但當時的我見到他也只能從嘴角擠出一個薄弱的微笑。
真的好想緊抱一下這個我早已在內心視為乾爹的人。

接著的下一堂課是數學課，拿回了數學試卷一。
幹，怎麼又不及格！
我開始沉默，怎麼說到當時為止拿回的試卷是百分百的不及格，你要我怎麼開心？
怎麼我那麼的一無是處，我生存到底有什麼價值？
我的未來該怎麼辦？

到了下一節的英文課時我似乎掩蓋不了我內心的低落，英文教師隔了兩大排的同學問了我是否還好，她說我整節課看起來都極度的擔憂。
她那樣一說，全班的人都轉過頭來看了我，我也只好勉強的給了一個尷尬的笑。

在化學課前在到講堂的路上，和我同班的佩芸問了我為何看來那麼的沮喪。
我向她說我為了自己的成績感到非常的低落，當時正處於崩潰的邊緣，很想哭。
她對我說其實若想哭，不妨直接就哭出來，沒有必要壓抑。
她說她自己很常想哭，也都會直接就哭出來。

當然，我這個性依然是無法不壓抑自己的情緒，還是盡了全力不讓自己哭。
在化學課裡我好幾度實在控制不住眼睛一直都很濕，還好因為在講堂所以沒有人會看到我的眼睛。
所以我都假裝很累的偷偷地擦拭我的眼角，在淚滴累積到流出眼角前趕快抹掉。

放學後為了企圖讓自己輕鬆一些我選擇了放慢腳步，不要搭公車到捷運站回家，反改成走路到捷運站。
這方法似乎沒有很大的幫助，心情完全沒有起色。
怎麼大家都看似那麼的愉悅，只有我一個人那麼的低落？
我甚至走著走著有兩個小混混想鬧我，我也懶得理會或對他們生氣。

我有生以來從來沒有感到那麼的低落過，心情如此的黑暗。
或許這就是我一生必經的黑暗期吧。
我從來都沒有這麼的在意過我的課業，我這次怎麼例外的那麼在乎，那麼的為他擔憂？
是否是我想太多罷了？

End of MYEs Horror

2011-07-08T01:12:00.000+08:00

After ending the horrendously done papers last Friday, I very much quite let myself too loose. At least in my own opinion.

From after Friday's papers till the end of Sunday, I didn't touched any work in preparation for the papers I had yesterday and today. On Monday night, it hit me that I had not touched any of my Human Geography work at all and even flipping through this half of the entire Geography syllabus will take a very long time, so I finally started revising a little for Geography. There are three major modules for Human Geography in the H2 Geography syllabus - Population, Globalisation and Urban Issues. Thanks to how I made some short summary notes for some chapters before each major Geography exam I had previously, I've accumulated a small bit of summary notes that meant that I could really more efficiently study/memorise Geography; I just need to concentrate more on what I hadn't prepared.

Population is probably the easiest, or less demanding of the entire Human Geography syllabus. So I kind of just went through some stuff and moved on to Globalisation, which is a level up from Population. I don't actually have a good way of studying Geography so what I do usually is just keep writing summary notes, if I have the time multiple times. That's about only what I can do anyway. Anyway I studied it halfway and went to sleep.

The next morning, despite not having any papers, I arrived in the college at around 8am in an attempt to force myself to study. There are still construction works going on at my flat which is a major distraction; the bed and computer is also a distraction. So, by slapping my butt on the study bench in the atrium, I probably have less distractions, apart from Tiny Tower on my iPod.

I started doing some Quantum Physics practice questions in preparation for the next day's paper, and every 50 minutes there will be some noise because my juniors started their lessons already so were shuffling between classes. That regular noise served as a reminder to have a short 5 minutes break from the work I was doing so it was pretty productive. Mr Cha also called me on my phone, saying that he wouldn't be able to find me at where I was and chat with me, but we ended up having a conversation on the phone, which was just as nice. Anyway when I got his call it was from a number I didn't see before (after which I realised its the staff room's number) and so I picked up the phone with a lazy tone. Mr Cha said I sounded slutty picking up the phone. I was like totally what the hell? and got really amused and we both giggled badly. Maybe I should work part-time for a phone sex hotline. I'm really worried - what if I become a big hit?

So by around 12noon the atrium started getting noisier as the Biology students started in streams reach the college to have their Biology papers. I continued doing my work, ignoring them, until Divya and Tsz Kin arrived as well so they were at my bench and I decided to just have a small chat and accompany them. Divya said she didn't touched any Biology work but it was interesting as she ended up domineering an argument with Tsz Kin over a Biology question. Tsz Kin looked as confused as he always would be with regards to his work but I know when the results finally do come out he will do pretty fine.

Shortly after, they started doing some last minute revisions so I continued with my work and Rebecca (Chou) got to my table too. As I continued doing my work, I texted Mr Cha and asked him a Physics question for I didn't understood how the answer for one of the question came about. Mr Cha just called me in response to my SMS wanting explain to me but as I was listening to him somehow the conversation between Divya, Tsz Kin and Rebecca got really intense and they started singing loudly while banging the table in joy, leaving me really confused. So there I was trying my best to maintain the phone conversation with Mr Cha, listening to what he was explaining and busy scribbling down notes. It got very very loud, and “你那裡好吵哦" (It's really noisy at your place), Mr Cha went, before I did a big hand gesture signalling to the three of them that I was talking on the phone. The three of them are really damn funny and interesting people; I still have no idea how they ended up loudly singing and banging the table. After a while all the Biology students left for their 1pm paper and I continued listening to Mr Cha trying to fully absorb what he was explaining, and I speedily wrote a lot of stuff on my paper trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together before I after awhile I could finally fully understand the thing.

After taking quite some time to finally finish the Quantum Physics section of my Physics Mid-Year Exam revision package, I decided to pause with Physics for a while and moved on to Geography. I continued with trying to study Globalisation, which badly annoyed me. Couldn't stand it any more so I decided to go back to Physics and tried to do a practice Paper 2. However after doing half of it it was 8:30p.m. already and the whole college was damn empty and the security guard uncle asked me what time I would be leaving (the school is supposed to close at 9pm on weekdays) and so I just told him I would leave in ten minutes. So I just got home, ate some stuff and finished the half-way done paper.

The next morning, at 7a.m. I got a call from Mr Cha while I was on the train 'cause we had arranged a morning coffee session with him, but I was kinda late so he just asked me to call him when I got to school. When I got to the bus-stop Anisah was also there so chatted a little and got on the bus together. Sharon coincidentally was in the bus so we all sat together as both of them studied for their morning Economics paper. Halfway through they started giggling among themselves and dug their heads into their notes before I realised that the woman standing right in front of me was an Economics tutor and they were apparently amused because they were trying to do last minute Economics revision.

Okay so I got to school and Mr Cha told me to hide somewhere 'cause apparently there was morning assembly so it would be weird if the two of us were in the canteen alone while everyone else was singing the national anthem. Okay so I was at the back of the hall and I waited and waited until after 8am. However, Mr Cha disappeared! I don't know what happened but he just disappeared into thin air without telling me and I don't know what was happening so I just went around looking for him for quite a while. Got pretty worried 'cause there wasn't even any indication where he was. It was only after quite very long after that I found out from Dr Vaz that he was called over to have an impromptu meeting. Finally settled down a little knowing everything was fine.

So it was only at about 9am+ that Mr Cha finally called me and met me in the canteen. He bought iced coffee for the both of us and we both just chatted. He was just talking about how he had a lot of stuffs to manage in school and at home, then went on to keep talking about stuffs I should do. There was one point he kept imitating how I play with my fingers while I was talking to him. *pouts lips frowning at him* And so he just went on encouraging me to do different stuffs. When it got to 10am, he had to meet Wan Xin and her clique for consultation so we parted ways at the atrium as I continued doing a little last-minute revision for Physics.

Physics paper 2 started at 1pm. The first question was a question on projectile motion and they used Angry Birds. Was very amused somehow by the picture of the Angry Bird on the diagram in the exam paper which relaxed me a little to concentrate better. The paper went on quite smoothly I guess, at least relatively. Section B was more uncertain for me as the answers I got looked suspicious as the order of the values seemed a little off based on experiences doing those questions. Guess I have to depend on 'error carried forward' working marks I suppose? The last question was a question on superposition involving radio signals received by a travelling car. As I saw how the frequency of the station was 93.3MHz, I immediately suspected that Mr Cha set the question since I know he listens to 93.3FM. Hmm shall ask him next time I chat with him.

Overall I thought the paper was fine. Quite uncertain, yes, but I really hope I can at least get a not-so-embarrassing grade, considering I got 4Us in my March Block Test. Of course, all the papers I've done so far in the Mid-Year Examinations despite their difficulty are relatively damn easy, if you compare them to Chemistry. Chemistry was a total killer even for an average student, let alone a weak student like me. I'm much more worried for Chemistry than any other subject. If I can even get a sub-pass for Chemistry I will jump for joy seriously.

The paper I stayed in school for the final time this Mid-Year Exams to study for today's Geography Paper 2. However, I suddenly felt cramps at my gastric area. It wasn't a sharp acute stab like my usual gastric pains but was just this uncomfortable persistent feeling. It was slightly painful on pressing. Went out of school to 7-11 to see if they have anything that could relieve my pain, but no. So I just ended up sitting at my bench for a very long time still trying to concentrate on studying the annoying Geography stuff while bearing with the discomfort. There was one point I just stoned there, unable to concentrate and suddenly a really cute and demure girl from another school came over and asked me where the school hall was. Directed her over and somehow was able to better concentrate on my work already. Haha she seems sweet.

This morning in the train I tried to study Geography but surrendered to my restlessness and took a nap in the train. Woke up feeling horrendous and really really tired. I got to school and bought a can of coffee and a sandwich like every exam day thinking it would wake me up substantially like it always did, but I was disappointed. It didn't help for the very first time and I just felt like a dead corpse. I quite gave up on Geography at that point of time already; If I can't even stay wake, what point is there memorising everything? When it was about time for morning assembly, I went down and saw Rebecca (Ng) and Tiffany at a bench so I went over. It was pretty obvious I looked like the undead I supposed. When it was finally time to queue up I was at my class queue alone 'cause I'm always the one on-time. There were no classes beside mine for at least half the assembly plaza's width since practically no other science class takes H2 Geography. So I was like a loner standing in the middle of nowhere. First Mr Parsons saw me and smiled and gave a thumbs-up signal, to which I tried smiling but it ended up looking very slight. Next 林老師 also walked by and asked if I had a paper. Yes, I said, and she wished me good luck with a hand gesture. I think I must had looked very stressed; why was it that multiple tutors were trying to buck me up continuously?

Anyway as the class queue lined up everyone could pretty much see how dead I was and I slapped myself in an attempt to jolt myself awake. Multiple slaps and it didn't work. Even as I was walking to the exam venue with the rest of the class when Ms Karen Lim walked by she commented I looked very dead. I know it's very obvious - my face. I think I only fully woke up when I washed my face, took a whole bunch of extra-strong Tic-Tac mints from Yeh Hang into the exam hall and started planning for my essays. It was only around that time that I supposed I wasn't as dead.

The paper was fine I guess. Here and there were some ambiguous parts that I didn't knew how to answer but... I don't know. I really don't care already. After the paper I went over to the club room to return camera lenses and kind of just hung out there. Rebecca (Ng) and Tiffany were working on Rebecca's Objet Trouve submission in the clubroom so I just watched and gave comments. I felt guilty 'cause I haven't done anything yet for the exhibition. I'm planning to do it this weekend though so I'll see what I can do.

That's about it I guess.

Day Sucked

2011-07-01T23:39:00.001+08:00

Started the day like other days in this exam week with a can of coffee and a sandwich at a secluded study bench in the college doing some last minute quick run through of some Chemistry stuff. Something is different about today, I thought. I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions and suddenly felt very down and low. I really need to stop with the avalanches in my heart and find some way to really fully calm myself down and relax.

Anyway, the first exam of the day was Chemistry Paper 1 and Paper 2. As I approached the exam venue I saw that the invigilator was Mr Lee, my Chemistry tutor. First thing I thought of was,

"Shit, he's going to be staring at my exam script and scrutinising my answers with contempt."

Knowing I am not going to have anything in my answer script to be proud of to show him, I naturally was worried. Chemistry has always been my worst/weakest subject, even since my Secondary School days and I really fear it.

As Paper 1 (MCQs) started, it was difficult to try to maintain a good mood doing the papers as I had managed to in the previous days of examinations. By the last ten minutes, I had only completed 20 of 40 questions, and not even confident I can get them correct. I supposed Mr Lee knew that, for he was standing beside me for a moment then. For the last ten minutes, I rushed through another ten questions. When Mr Lee asked for us to stop with the paper, I just randomly shaded my answers for the last ten questions randomly on the optical answer sheet.

That was the worst paper I felt so far for the entire Mid-Year Examinations. Without any breaks, we went on with Paper 2, which wasn't any better. Fine, my time management issue got much better as compared to the first paper, but I knew my answers were horrible and that's that. I really do not expect myself to stay in Lecture Theatre 4 for the rest of this term.

I then had an early lunch with the class and went of with Rebecca and Tsz Kin to study at one of the study benches we randomly went to in the college near our exam venue for the next paper - Mathematics Paper 2.

At the study bench, I sent a big fat "AHH KILL ME NOW" via SMS to Mr Cha and started complaining a little to him about the Chemistry paper which made me relax a little after those stressful hours I had spent, while on the other hand also texting with Zenon for he was asking me if I wanted dinner with some of my Secondary School friends after my papers for the day. I also tried doing some last minute revision for Math, but I got so sleepy just as how Tsz Kin and Rebecca were feeling, so we kind of just did some flipping and asking each other questions before soon each falling asleep at the bench. I even drooled all over my Statistics 1 lecture notes! I always knew I have a problem with drooling when I sleep sideways so I usually would adjust my mouth, but this time it ended up as a whole river channel on my lecture notes! It was a total WTF moment when I woke up.

After each of us respectively woke up we did a wee bit more of studying and started chatting when the start of the exam was getting nearer. Just randomly chatted about our lives, and I also told Rebecca and Tsz Kin what I was planning to do with Mr Cha after my A Level papers. Rebecca told me that I must really treasure Mr Cha, and yes, I very well do. I was also telling them my desire to experience being fully and badly drunk for once. So far I'm just an occasional social drinker so whenever I actually do that it is in really small volumes and the plain water I spam after which dilutes everything I had. Both of them were obviously wondering why I would want to do that so I told them.

Living in a civilised society, as we receive education we learn about social etiquette and what to do and what not to do. However, when one is intoxicated with alcohol, that 'barrier' we form in our brain which stops us from going overboard is broken; our hidden desires are released. That is why some people get drunk they get totally wild - some talk very loudly, some get touchy-feely, and some even starts stripping. Those are their hidden desires that they desire to do. This is why I want to get drunk. I've been living my seventeen years of life being so tensed up, so harsh on myself, with such a restricted and bounded way of life. I want to know, what else is there hidden within me that I don't know yet.

I see that as a possible way of self-discovery, and of course, once is just enough and sweet. I had already told Mr Cha the same thing previously and he said he would want to film me when I'm drunk in that case, since he can hold his alcohol and he would love to see how wild I can go. Rebecca was also saying how Cheryl just ends up sleeping like a log when she drinks, so we concluded that it was because she was wild enough awake, so there's nothing much more for her to do when drunk.

It was a nice conversation, we also chatted a little about K-pop and K-drama, though those were more of Tsz Kin and Rebecca's territory of discussion; I just slotted a few words here and there while mostly just enjoying their conversation. Oh, and I also talked about how I seem to do better in exams when I go into the exam hall with a better mood regardless of how much I study.

When it was about time, we went to the exam venue for our Math Paper. I was feeling so-so about the previous Math Paper 1 I had already done, so I thought I had to concentrate on Statistics this time for Paper 2. Turns out, I managed to do a bigger portion of Statistics questions compared to Pure Math question. FML. And I had forgot to bring my protractor and compass for drawing so before the exam all I could do was borrow the compass with two-pointed edges without the pencil part. Turns out, there really was a question and it asked us to draw an Argand diagram. Thank god it was just asking me to draw the 4th roots of unity, so I mainly just had to make sure the lines were perpendicular. But it's not like its even correct anyway.

For me, the paper was quite horrendously done for me, but at least I didn't feel as bad as for Chemistry. This day sucked badly.

After school, I went to Bedok MRT station and waited for the guys, but there was a train fault apparently 'cause the announcement at the train station just went on and on in the announcement. I ended up waiting for over an hour and was so bored I read a big portion of Norwegian Wood in Chinese and I also wrote two poems. Super productive.

So we went to Bedok Point and ended up having PastaMania. -_-"

That's about it.

幸福

2011-06-30T21:33:00.001+08:00

幸福是

當自己與喜歡的事情　沒有距離

當摔了一跤　依然有著毅力站起

當有人　細心呵護　守護著你

當脆弱的心　變得　強而有力

Continue reading at 俊字／足跡 »

All Is Well

2011-06-29T23:33:00.001+08:00

Yesterday's Math Paper 1 was not well done for me. I am starting to feel a little worried for my Math. So yesterday after Math Paper ended at 11am I stayed back in school with the Biology students from my class so while they were preparing for their afternoon Biology Paper 2, I was preparing for today's Physics Paper 1 MCQs. My studying session at the atrium continued even as they went for their exams at 1pm, and even after they ended at 3pm, I was still at the same seat. I finally left the college to go home when it was slightly before 5pm, after practising some MCQs from the Mid-Year Exam revision package which I still have not completed to this very minute.

I got home and had dinner, and had planned on continuing to study for today's paper. However I managed to fall asleep. I have no idea why I always get very sleepy at around 7-8pm. Anyway I woke up at 12mn in a state of anxiousness over my lack of revision and after having a shower, I did around 10 questions of MCQ (which was from RJC and super difficult). By then it was around 2:30am and so I just went back to sleep.

So this morning in school at 7am, armed with a can of Pokka Milk Coffee and a sandwich - both bought from the college canteen - I did a speedy run-through of some main points for each chapter, before the announcements came on asking for the students to proceed for morning assembly. For today's morning assembly, I went to Lecture Theatre 4 since we were supposed to have a temperature-taking exercise this morning. Walking in from the back of the LT, I started looking for my seat and also saw Mr Cha along the stairway and having not seen him for a dog-gone number of days, when both our respective lines of vision coincided we instantly both smiled excitedly at the same time and waved furiously. How nice.

The morning paper was Physics so the Economics and Biology students from my class did not have to come to school. Being the earliest of the four of us Physics students, I just sat there at the back of the LT alone before Mr Firdaus came to record my temperature and was with me waiting for everyone else, before Yu Jie, Yeh Hang and Natalie finally arrived in school in this order.

Physics Paper 1 started on time at 8am. It was okay at the start, we have 30 questions for 60 minutes, so it all works out to 2 minutes per question and I was pretty much spending that much time for each question. As the questions proceeded they got more and more annoying though. Not only so, it was freezing mad in the air-conditioned classroom as it was also raining heavily outside. Nearing the end of the paper I was feeling so cold my finger tips were numb and it got slightly annoying for me to try to press my calculator quickly. Overall, I feel uncertain about my fate for Physics. As I walked off the exam venue with the rest, Mr Cha walked past me and we both gave a funny smile and ended up cracking into laughters at the same time. You know, it's almost like that awkward moment when it is right after a Chemistry Paper and your Chemistry tutor asks you how was the paper but you have no idea what to reply.

So there I was at 9am, and not wanting to go home since there were still construction works going on around my neighbourhood (and it is very annoying), I sat there alone in the atrium. Buying another sandwich and another can of milk coffee I started snacking before going on to do some revision for tomorrow's Chemistry.

I really dislike having to memorise Chemistry. It's just so annoying when not only do you have to know when to apply a concept when you answer, you have a specific format and wording to follow. Not only so I have to memorise things like colours of flames and transition element complexes. So, I started to get kind of restless.

Thank goodness for Mr Cha saved the day again! At around 12 noon he popped up at the study bench I was at, and thinking I finished my can of coffee still on the bench when I still had half of it left, he said "Second round?" and went to the vending machine, buying more coffee for the both of us. We talked about how we were, the vacation before the exams, our job experiences, his family, his stomach, and just so many other things; but he always seem to like to end up talking about my character, my aspirations and my future. He would always try to encourage me to dare to pursue what I dream of (because he knows I am afraid) and also be less harsh on myself (because he knows how badly I treat myself). Whenever he talks about this topic he always leaves me not knowing what to reply because I will just be listening intently to what he is saying and just be thinking about it. So whenever he pauses for a while and we are both silent I will just look right into his eyes with a frown on my face - puppy eyes - while he looks back at me.

I always feel that the amazing thing is that he always never fails to read exactly what is on my mind and because of this I actually understand him and am more than willing to listen; in fact I've told him much more deeper things about my life than I've ever told anyone else in these 17 years of my existence. Somehow, he sees me exactly the way I see myself inside, and it is just so magical to have someone like that because I well know that he is like a blueprint for me to follow and he has the life experiences to guide me through. He is like that twenty years older version of me talking to myself.

Actually, we even kind of planned what we would be doing after my A Level papers (which I can't blog here for fear of complaints to MOE) - how nice. He just always manages to bring me out of my sadness just when I'm feeling low, leading me to feel much better.

Totally made my day once again in that two hour conversation.

I went on studying Chemistry, focusing my time trying on Periodicity and Transition Elements since those are the latest topics taught. Suddenly, I looked up, this girl standing in front of me. I know her, but I just cannot remember her name once again. She's Le Ling, from 10A202, one of the new people I met from being the photographer at VVVV. The previous time she saw me I had absolutely no inkling who she was until she reintroduced herself as Le Ling and I said that it sounded like 樂齡, a Chinese phrase to describe the elderly.

So this time, when she asked me if I remember her, I just kept saying, "What is that phrase?!?". I felt pretty bad no remembering names since I'm not that good with remembering too many names for people I talk too much to. I do remember faces very well though, and once I see someone when I see that person again I can immediately recognise and spot him. However for retrieving the name for a specific face... I still need to work on that.

So, having recently tweaked a little how I interact with people, I've been quite willing to talk to strangers/random people who chat up with me. I really talked quite a bit with her, including about this security guard from our college.

Apparently, after I chatted with Mr Cha and before Le Ling approached me, there was a group of foreign workers repainting the toilet doors near the atrium. However, one of the Bangladeshi worker seemed to be slacking and was sitting at a bench using his phone. The security guard, walking past him and seeing him not do his job, got a little furious.

"Eh what you doing? You come here you must work! Why you 'Ali Baba' here!"
"No I supposed　[to supervise and oversee] all [of] them [with] everything!"
"Then what you sitting here doing 'Ali Baba'?"
"I never 'Ali Baba'!"

I have absolutely no idea what 'Ali Baba' is supposed to mean here but this security guard uncle needs an award presented to him. That conversation between them two was epic.

So after chatting with Le Ling I just went on studying until it was around 8 when even the study room got emptied of students and there were only I supposed less than 10 people in school.

All Turns Out

2011-06-27T17:35:00.000+08:00

I read on the Internet yesterday that before exam starts, a good way to relax and calm yourself down would be to write sort of a diary to release your frustrations and stress. I thought I'd try that out myself, but I do not want to look like a prick writing a diary in everyone's face before an exam so I thought I shall just start to type a blog now like I always do, continue with the entry along the day, and I'll post it online when I get home.

Today is the first day of the Mid-Year Examinations and my first paper today, starting in an hour and ten minutes at 8:00 a.m. is Geography Paper 1. Honestly, the revision I've done so far can be easily described as 'CMI' (I.e. Cannot make it). Considering all I did was read my notes and do up my own summaries for a few lucky topics that I decided to not skip, I don't count on getting an excellent grade. In fact, I didn't even memorise anything.

During the paper, I was seated right in front of the teacher's desk. I found that I was running short of time but I just felt so restless halfway through the paper that I kept fidgeting and what not. Then when I went on to do my third essay question I realised, I thought I'm only supposed to do two questions? Thank god I realised that before I did the sixteen mark part question. So I ended up with like half an hour not knowing what to do so I ended up observing the relief teacher who was the invigilator for half the session. She has hairy legs apparently, and same applies for arms. I think she was trying to plug her arm hair, so I just went on to take another look at my answers.

Overall, I felt fine. All I knew was that I was very drained and restless and I just wish for a pass.

After lunch with the class, I was at the studying benches in the atrium with Tsz Kin and Rebecca frantically cramming for Chemistry. But my mind was blank — no, rather it was so saturated everything was a mash and I couldn't think straight. I practically gave up on Periodicity topics, I still can't memorise proteins, and I'm damn scared I forget the mechanisms for Organic Chemistry. I ended up instead just trying to clear my mind and calm myself by thinking of things that make me happy. So I liked it a lot when Rebecca mentioned that she was envious of how nice Mr Cha treats me, which made me think how fortunate I am, cheering me up greatly and it made me get really clear-headed and positive.

I don't think anything I try to cram in the last half an hour before an exam will really help me a lot, so I spent the rest of the time just trying to stay happy, hoping it will stay throughout the exam. No point having too high hopes on Chemistry anyway, since I know that the higher my expectation the greater my disappointment.

As Chemistry Paper 3 started I remained relatively cheerful still. I was just trying to, well enjoy myself, and I didn't let myself sink into depression and panic. Unlike during the earlier paper, I found myself being so much more clear-headed and everything just went pretty smoothly. Well, I skipped quite a number of parts, but they didn't seem to demoralise me from trying to grab marks from every bit of the other parts as I possibly could.

The paper was difficult, but frankly speaking, did it made me depressed? No. All I am aiming is not even an E for Chemistry; I just want my Chemistry tutor Mr Lee to be able to see a visible (despite slight) progress made if that is possible. All I want is just for him to actually see that, hey this student has some potential!

From these few months of extreme mood fluctuations which I've never experienced before my entire life, I find that being positive and happy really changes your whole world. I of course know that it is impossible to always be happy (evident from my blog entries this month), but whenever possible, try to at least know that you are unhappy and make sure you want to step out of it.

Turns out, being happy is just a simple change in thinking.

正當我

2011-06-24T14:25:00.002+08:00

好想快長大，因爲我知道我大概不會思念及懷念現在的我。
也許將來我會稍微緬懷從前，但我只覺得現在的我過得好不自在，甚至有點痛。
只想盡快的找到自己，因爲現在的我，實在搞不清楚自己是誰啊。

雖然我其實是個很難放下過去的人，但大半的我還是選擇活在當下、展望未來的。
我對我的未來有好多憧憬及幻想哦；我從事業到愛情，我都好喜歡做夢，而我的内心也其實是多麽的夢幻。
小的時候電視劇這東西很容易讓我做好多夢——將來的我該當個飛行員嗎？
我是否會變成個純情少男還是變成個爛情公子？
我甚至依然覺得我的人生應該要有一小段時間是過得非常糜爛的，成天喝個爛醉，然後還一直一夜情啊～～
哈哈……

真的真的好希望我一生能活的精彩。
好希望就算我的人生寫成小説、拍成電影，看著的人是不會睡着的。
它可以有起伏落差，或許也能高潮迭起，但我真的不想超過大半的時間是乏味的！
而五月天的《後青春期的詩》是這樣寫的：

誰說不能讓我
此生唯一自傳　如同詩一般
無論多遠未來
讀來依然一字一句一篇都燦爛

就是這樣！我要我的人生像詩篇一樣的漂亮！

而小説是塑造我這個人内心世界的一大推手。
從好多年前自己第一次買中文小説買了九把刀的《那些年，我們一起追的女孩》時，我的人生就變了。
我的人生變得好夢幻，我的愛情也從其停留在「純愛」的階段。
九把刀這個人實在詭異，但我好喜歡。
他的「愛，九把刀」系列書籍成功的攻破了我的心，因爲那裡有的是年少輕狂、偉大夢想——我正缺乏的。
就正因爲我沒有那麽精彩的人生，我才會那麽容易的沉浸在九把刀的世界。

蔡智恆也是。
還記得第一次買他的書竟然是在高鉄站的7-11（85折的貼紙還在呀哈哈～）。
那時的我，有點害羞的拿起了《第一次的親密接觸》（害羞因爲封面有點……娘），可是因爲實在是太被内容吸引了所以還是買了。
雖然蔡智恆的書我至今也只有兩本，但他對我的衝擊力是比較大的。
因爲九把刀跟蔡智恆的書對我的影響是不同的。

九把刀是對要瘋狂的你寫的，讓你所有的不可能成爲現實，所以劇情還是有點虛幻，久了還是能抽離的。
但蔡智恆的書，是獻給要安穩平靜的在咖啡館裡對著玻璃窗外的景色發呆的你，如此柔情但卻同時那麽的貼近人心，這樣的書實在讓我受不了。
就如《鯨魚女孩，池塘男孩》裡綉球和6號美女的情感是如此的唯美，但其實故事要發生在隨便一個人身上卻其實依然有那小小的可能的。

我之前還真想過寫本小説，用我現今的人生再加上一丁點的幻想，寫出我的自傳。
但是我的生活如今是多麽的不精彩啊。
一直都在幻想我的人生會有某種的突破。
我真的不希望我的人生是千篇一律、乏味無趣的！

Confidant

2011-06-22T22:58:00.000+08:00

Ever felt lost in your life?

Sometimes there is that feeling of emptiness within that slows every part of your life down to a near standstill. It eats and consumes your heart and you just feel so alone, and your mood just gets lower by the day. Even as you walk down the crowded streets, you will feel like you are the only one in the world, isolated from everything else.

Still, you know that you cannot go on that way. This black hole is like a puddle of quicksand - the more you struggle, the deeper you sink in. Now, the way to escape from this suffering before you die away is actually to relax. Look for this sense of 'light-ness' within yourself and you'll actually find light in darkness. It especially helps when there is that hand that will actually pull you off the ground from all the pain.

Everyone needs their own confidant/confidante. It does not have to be your boyfriend/girlfriend, or even your biological family. It is just that special someone that you would unknowingly had set aside one intimate corner of your heart for, someone that you can trust to share everything deep within you. That person listens to the words you say, and he would never judge, instead never forgetting to constantly provide you with support. He lets you remember who you are and lets you know that you serve a purpose living, and you would achieve great things in your life as long as you believe in it and dare to dream. Like a tree, this person is what provides you shade and shelter when you feel tired and need somewhere to rest. You will be eternally grateful to him.

This is how you feel warmth even in the cold, dark night.

Do you have someone you can confide with?

Interesting Day...

2011-06-21T23:57:00.001+08:00

Today is the most interesting day so far in this June holiday (although it still pales in comparison to everyone else's).

I started the day out at Singapore General Hospital, where I saw a specialist (haematologist specifically) for a medical appointment. This medical appointment came about from my National Service Pre-Enlistment Medical Examination. So there I was, at Blk 3 Clinic K at 2pm. I waited forever for my turn, so long that I went down to O'Brien's for a cup of latte. However, mid-coffee, I suddenly received a call asking me where I was before I finally knew it was my turn. So I went back to the clinic, and into Room 6.

Dr Mya, the lady attending to me, asked me some routine questions like my family and my own medical history, and some details on the glucose-6-phosphate dehydrogenase (G6PD) deficiency I have. While I was talking to her, the other lady (a nurse or something) took my blood pressure, which was quite high. But it was probably because I was having coffee and I suddenly hurried there.

Apparently, the reason I had this appointment was because during the blood test I had for the medical examination earlier, it was found that I have a slightly lower than usual haemoglobin count. The average male would have it at 14, but for the test my haemoglobin count was 12.8, slightly on the low side but not very serious. Being anaemic, one of the reasons could be an iron deficiency, but my iron count was normal apparently. So before Dr Mya could, I quote, "blame it on G6PD" for my low haemoglobin count, I would have to take a further blood test there.

So I got a slip to take my blood test. But before that, I went out to make payment, handing in a Letter of Identity (LOI) to indicate that my consultations are covered under the government since it is part of my National Service medical fitness review. After the payment was settled, I realised that I was supposed to give the paper I just got for the blood test to the counter lady! I felt quite guilty troubling the lady but the lady was pretty nice so thank goodness for that.

So next I went to the Clinical Laboratory to get my blood taken. The clinic was pretty different in the sense that the blood tests were done in stations rather than in a specific room. The stations looked more like the average office cubicle and it was quite open. When it was my turn at one of the station, I went over and from my left arm, I had my arm taken. My previous two experience taking blood (once when I was in around Secondary School and the other time for the NS checkup) were not that comfortable and despite the thick needle penetrating my skin not being exactly painful, there was a strange numbing feeling throughout and after the blood extraction. It wasn't painful, but it was pretty uncomfortable. However this time, except for that small 'poke', I literally felt nothing at all! Before I knew it, she has taken away two long vessels of blood from me, which left me pretty shocked at her efficiency. This lady must be really experienced with her job and I'm grateful for that. This is going to sound weird but it is my best experience taking blood from me.

Leaving the hospital, I took a walk from Dhoby Ghaut down to Orchard, then went via Suntec to Millenia Walk, buying a for-here Venti Latte. Feeling a little emotional, I sat down at a couch with my coffee and listened to my iPod, my special playlist of ballads. Being very sensitive and emotional recently, it was pretty easy to get the corners of my eye all moist despite being in the middle of the public. I didn't allow myself to cry out of course, but it was actually kind of good to be able to feel. After-all all the while I've been trying to turn myself into a porcupine to protect myself, not allowing myself to feel.

I then stopped listening to my iPod and read a little of Organic Chemistry, but my bum was aching from sitting there so I decided I shall leave. Walking back to Suntec and on the way to the convention centre so that I could get to Marina Square, I was stopped by a lady for a survey. I was feeling kind, seeing that the slip of paper was really small (having very few questions), I obliged. The questions basically just asked where I usually shop and how much I save a month. Turns out, the lady, Kelly, was from Prudential and basically started introducing to me about this savings policy for youngsters. I was quite hesitant at the start to even sit there to listen to her considering I have no money but she wasn't selling anything immediately since she knew that I am a student. Instead, she was rather just introducing to me the benefits of the policy and how it was good to form a habit of saving. I was actually quite interested since the details for the policy makes sense for a young people like me. She then strayed into asking me about my family, my interests, my job, etc, so it was actually quite a nice time for me chatting despite it being with a stranger. She was talking to me like I've known her for a very long time... interesting person. Anyway she then stuck back to the topic and she said she would contact me again next year (when I have a stable income in NS and so-on), so in conclusion I really think she is going to have a new client next year.

How interesting. So that was about it and I came home. Anyway I've decided to close one of my Chinese blog at 無名小站 since it is pretty tedious to manage four full blogs at the same time so I'll be merging that blog with this one, so from now on this blog shall be bilingual and I hope this plan actually continues fine. :)

突然好想妳

2011-06-21T23:00:00.000+08:00

今天在地鐵站，從我這近視的雙眼，我在我柔和的視線裡仿佛看見了妳。看著坐在那裡的「妳」，我的心揪了一下。突然好想妳，不知道妳過的還好嗎？妳是否認識了新朋友，妳是否過的還快活，妳……是否記得我？

不知道，若我當時說出了口，一切是否會不同？

怎麽四年後，我的心還是那麽的痛？還以爲自己早已放下了一切，但原來我始終還是那個我。

JC Regrets — What If...

2011-06-20T18:26:00.000+08:00

Frankly speaking, one of my regrets that I have in my two years in JC is my subject combination.

When I first got accepted into the college, I had no idea whatsoever how classes work. I didn't knew that 'series' (i.e. Arts, S1, S4, etc.) were based on subject combinations and what not. All I knew, even before I entered the college, was that I probably want to avoid Economics in favour of Geography.

I thought deeply about my subject combination even before I chose my school and I merely made this decision based on my 'O' Level Pure Geography grade and I was uncertain what taking up Economics would mean since it is an entirely foreign and brand new subject. However, I was very wrong to assume that the experience I had with Pure Geography would continue to 'A' Level H2 Geography.

I enjoyed Pure Geography in my Secondary School days. In fact, it was probably my favourite subject. The things I learnt actually interest me and it gets really strangely cheeky and funny to point out a cumulonimbus cloud in the middle of a conversation. I remember how Mrs Leong brought the class down one day to the parade square to observe clouds; how she on a few occasions switched off the lights and made us take a few minutes nap (she thought that if we're going to stone during class, might as well really take a good few minutes off for a break before concentrating). Geography, even parts of Human Geography, was actually fun and pretty interesting for me.

But everything changed in JC. While the tutors for our cohort (Mr Chen, Mr Firdaus and Mr Parsons) are great, the syllabus leaves a lot to be desired. I just no longer see as much of my passion in that subject, from the very first lecture when I entered the college, despite very much liking the tutors.

It was this subject that destroyed everything. When I first chose my subject combination, I chose to take up H2 Physics, H2 Mathematics, H2 Geography and H1 Chemistry. Wanting to avoid Economics altogether and knowing I am not great in Science (based on my 'O' Level grades), my second choice was H2 Chemistry, H2 Mathematics, H2 Geography and H1 Physics. This was despite hating Chemistry since even Lower Secondary when I haven't took up Chemistry as a specialised subject.

When I got my second subject combination choice, I very much regret it. H2 Chemistry?!? I'm not sure about that. The day I got my subject combination, I talked to Tsz Kin, whom I had known since our AG days when we first entered the college. Then, I went to the General Office and put up an appeal for my subject combination, and was advised towards H2 Physics, H2 Mathematics, H2 Economics and H1 Chemistry. I took that and submitted the appeal form, knowing I can finally loosen myself from Chemistry's hold on me. However, walking out of the General Office, I started thinking. What about Economics? I have absolutely no idea what this subject makes up, what if I screw up badly, worse than Chemistry?

Then I feared. I was so uncertain. I decided to take back the form, and I told myself maybe I should try taking H2 Chemistry since if I have H2 Geography, I would probably be guaranteed a good grade, so at least I have something to accumulate the points up. However, if I take H2 Economics and H1 Chemistry, and screw up both at the same time, it would really suck badly.

I was so damn wrong. Now, I've already pretty much screwed up my H2 Chemistry, and my H2 Geography is nothing to be proud about. I'm still failing both, badly.

I've always hated Chemistry. Since Lower Secondary, when Science was still a combination of Physics, Biology and Chemistry into one single subject called 'Lower Secondary Science', I knew I'm not a fan of Chemistry. When it was time to choose my subject combination for my Upper Secondary years, I had so much wanted Pure Physics and Pure Biology, but my school made Chemistry, Pure or Combined, a compulsory subject since it is the 'Middle Science'. Seriously, I don't care about how Chemistry overlaps both subjects. So, forced to take up Chemistry, I chose Pure Physics to accompany it since I liked Physics more than Biology. I'm more of a 'logic' and hands-on person rather than having reliance on hard memory.

Taking up Pure Physics was great. Despite my average results, I was the Physics representative of my class then and Mrs Chan was an amazing person. She was animated - never failing to move around the classroom and her bubbly nature just brings one's spirit up.

Anyway, back to the topic, so it was Geography that destroyed everything. Imagine the possibilities if I had actually taken up the appealed subject combination. There is that chance I would be doing so much better.

But then again, if I took up that subject combination, I think I would be in 10S402. I think that's Chester's class. I definitely do not hate my current class; they are probably one of the most interesting bunch of people in the entire cohort and I have more or less enjoy being part of the class. I wonder, if I'm not in my current class, will I turn into a pai-kia? Will I fail more subjects? Will end up quitting JC for Poly? Or would my life be better?

If I were in that class, my General Paper tutor would still be Ms Karen Lim, whom I still respect very much since I think she is very knowledgeable and has a very cool and interesting outlook and viewpoint in life and various other issues. My Chemistry tutor would still be Mr Joseph Lee, which is really a very smart person despite always hinting and making it very obvious to 'shoot' me and trying to say I don't study at all when actually I did and it makes me feel even worse. But then my Physics tutor would be Mr Remedios - an interesting and definitely competent tutor (based on my experiences with him as my Physics lecturer). However I wouldn't have Mr Cha if that is the case - that tutor that never stopped caring about me, always showing concern for me, encouraging me and allowing me to rediscover myself. I will always remember those cans of coffee and that book he gave me, and all the text messages he sent me.

One of my biggest What-Ifs in these two years is definitely with regards to my subject combination. I don't know how my life would be different if I took that different path. Perhaps this is just life; I know that since I made this decision earlier, all is too late and I have to take responsibility for what I had done.

Perhaps in another parallel universe, I am scoring straight aces?

Never Felt This Way Before

2011-06-19T19:54:00.000+08:00

I've never felt this way before my whole life.

One week left before my Mid-Year papers and I have not started studying for three subjects (Chemistry, Geography, and Physics). Plus it's not like I'm doing intensive revision for Math either.

Everything is just not going as I want to be. I am sure if I take the freshmen's Mid-Year papers in two weeks time instead of the mine I will still fail and I can assure you that. It's like I have absolutely nothing in my brain - well, almost.

I can't wait for the Mid-Year exams to start, ironically, though. I can't stand cooping up at home all day to study since I simply can't get anything done. I've been like this for three weeks already and I need this to stop. I really prefer studying in school. I don't know exactly why, but I just do. I feel like I can really get so much more done in school compared to at home and I end up feeling better about myself - in school. I would rather really just screw up this Mid-Year exam and 'camp' in school studying every day to end it all at the end of this year with the coup de grâce - A Level.

I'm pretty sure I'll be staying in the hostel when I get into university - that is if I actually manage to.

At night, I would tell myself, I shall sleep early tonight, and I will wake up early tomorrow to a whole new me and I will be motivated to study. But, these few nights I just can't clear my mind. I end up with insomnia, tumbling and flipping around my bed for at least four hours unable to sleep. With all the lights off, air-con switched on, I would just lay there on my back on the bed facing the ceiling, listening to my iPod. The first song on one of my playlist for a mix-tape draft I made sometime ago to record my feelings happens to be 你不是真正的快樂 by band 五月天 (Mayday). I'm not exactly a fan of the band, but this particular song especially strikes me deep. Staring at the dark ceiling, I would tear up especially when the chorus goes:

你不是真正的快樂
你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了　你決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在遙遠鎖上的軀殼

This roughly translates into:

You're not truly happy
Your smile is just a camouflage you wear
You've decided not to hate; but you've also decided to never love again
Locking up your soul into that distant and hollow shell

Then the next day I wake up - ending up feeling as bad, if not worse than before.

Honestly, I've never grown up.

I've never felt like it's time for me to mature into an adult, simply because I've never felt like I've completed my childhood. Instead of growing up, I have always been the exact same person within, except the façade I put upon myself just piles up layer after layer.

I've recently been able to reconnect with my inner self for some reason and at that point of time I really felt like I've shed every bit of my façade and I really felt lighter for that period of time. However, I was so used to living within this protective canopy I've built for myself; so used to being so unfeeling and cold-blooded on the outside. Now, suddenly shed of everything, I feel so naked and so vulnerable that it was really difficult for me to handle the overwhelming stress. I now just get so easily overwhelmed with emotions.

I really need to get through this transition period. Maybe I even need a shrink.

Admitting It

2011-06-17T05:14:00.015+08:00

Second time typing this post 'cause the original one was lost in a Firefox crash. I almost wanted to title this blog entry Coming Out but I figured it would sound like I'm a homosexual coming out of the closet, but unfortunately I am straighter than your pen is. (Hope you notice the word-play here :P). Anyway, I just wanted a blog entry title that would mean being honest and truthful, not hiding any longer, but I just can't find the best phrase to title this post.

Different people see me differently, simply because I act differently in front of people.

If I appear to be solemn and quiet most of the time, I just don't feel too intimate to you. I can still talk a little and perhaps laugh at a joke with you, but you can really feel the difference when the time drags on. I don't hate you, I just don't love you that much. For people I'm teeny-wee-bit closer to, I try to chat up a little, attempting to take some initiative. I would also be slightly more brighter. The closer you are to me, the more lively I can get. Regardless of how close we are, I am definitely approachable and polite, but I need time to acknowledge people into my special circle such that I would thereafter be really more vivacious. Trust me, I can sometimes be like a small kid.

I'm definitely not an extrovert, but the noise within me is loud. So many things go through my mind every minute that I get so tensed up. To say the truth, I've never tasted freedom. All those that I thought I had at some moments in time were all just a delusional façade; never have I known what it means to be really 'free'.

Over the years, I've definitely built up a lot of stress, and I can tell when I am stressful. Especially with the current Junior College syllabus I'm going through, I'm on the verge of falling apart altogether. I started having to wear spectacles (contact lenses), I've been growing white hair, and worst of all my nail-biting vice got really horrible.

I don't remember when I started nail-biting; I've been doing it as far as I remember being alive. The spread of nail-biting was even worse when I was young as I would even bite the skin around my nails, leading to bleeding which wasn't any comfortable for me as well. So far I've only managed to curb myself to only bite the nail itself and not anywhere around it, but it's almost like an addiction. I leave myself with ugly nails, and every time I resolve to stop the habit I do stop. However once I put on myself more stress I simply ignore everything and continue biting.

I know it's not just a habit, it's actually closely relevant to my psychological state. Not that I'm insane, but I definitely practice nail-biting more often during school terms than during the holidays (i.e. authentic holiday breaks, not the 'study breaks' in disguise when you are in Junior College). I can tell. I've seen myself having a complete full nail before - not for long.

I really really want to stop this bad practice, which is why I chose to tell everyone that yes, my nails are really horrendous and it is absolutely disgusting for me to be biting. For people who've not bitten their nails their entire lives they just think of it has a disgusting habit but they don't bother about the underlying implications of it. I just want everyone to know this so I will be more empowered to want to protect my nails and once day when it's pretty, I'm going to tell everyone I did it.

Jun Xian's 'Get-Your-Act-Together' Project

2011-06-13T18:28:00.032+08:00

Considering how I wasted the entire last week basically doing nothing but very much just keep sleeping, I decided that I cannot waste my time further. My exams are fast approaching and I need to get back on my feet. So, today I decided to embark on the Jun Xian's 'Get-Your-Act-Together' Project. I'm not kidding.

I shall get back the passion I had as I studied last month. I shall try to adjust my mindset back to that positive young boy I was at this selected moment last month, like, May 17. For that, I have to see what motivates me. For one, I have Mr Cha, but he's out of my reach for two weeks so I'll have to check him off. Next, I have my Secondary School pals, so I'm really planning to study for a few days with them. After that, it's really nothing much already but I love walking around outdoors, so I should really stop cooping myself at home sleeping and enjoy the sunshine instead.

So today I started my morning at Ya Kun Kaya Toast at Safra Mt Faber. I really like going there once in a while to have breakfast since it is within walking distance from my house and it is relatively empty there when I go there on weekday mornings. I probably don't have a chance to go there for the rest of the year once school starts so I should go there more often. The place is not eerily empty, but there is a comfortable number of less than 10 customers usually. I like how the full-length glass panes let me enjoy the sunshine and look around the neighbourhood. It's just a really comfortable place to relax in on a nice morning - just sit there eating the toast, drinking coffee, and look around. So after taking your time, you would really feel fresh when you leave the place.

I then headed to Goodman Arts Center, located near Mountbattan MRT station. It's a little awkward for me to be saying this here but I actually went there to submit a poetry I wrote. You see, the National Arts Council is organising the biennial Golden Point Award, which is basically a creative writing competition. Interestingly, the reason I joined was because I saw the advertisement on this blog's banner up there. The wide horizontal one. So I just decided to write something for fun since I like creative writing (as compared to more argumentative, and 'solemn' or 'strict' types of writing).

Then I went to Bras Basah Complex to buy stationary. That's about it. I went home and tried studying. At least I started on Math finally, but there wasn't one question I didn't look at the solutions. I need to pace up and get more serious, really.

Oh, motivation number 4. I enjoy blogging. I've always seen blogging as a way to relieve stress since you can say so many things (usually) without bothering about other people. Well, sometimes you get random people scolding you without any valid reason or even making any sense in the first place, but it's easy to ignore those people once you learn to ignore it, or once you know that your words can be much sharper the other party when you do rebut. Tried and tested. ;P

Anyway, despite having not strayed off a simple recollection for a long time, I quite miss the days where I would argue for a cause. I used to dedicate blog entries to criticising the behaviour of certain people (e.g. annoying people on the train) a lot but I've turned into a nicer people and endured with most stuffs. However, without those posts, to me these simple recollection blog entries seem to be really mundane, especially when I'm just a student and I can jolly-well say I have much lesser a life than a big bunch of my peers have.

Frankly speaking, I prefer school days over school holidays. Apart from the fact that in JC, holidays are simply 'study breaks' for the exams right after the holidays, during holidays for me I tend to interact less with people and instead coop up at home, sleeping at 3am, waking up in the afternoon. In fact, I only get insomnia during the holidays. I just cannot get to sleep.

I shall see if changing my sleeping pattern can help with my studying though. Shall experiment a little. Despite this blog entry dated to be on Monday I am now typing this post on Thursday. 'Cause I took freaking 4 days to type this. I was pretty much stuck half-way and found no way I could continue. So anyway, today (Thursday, June 16) I seem to be improving a little with regards to my Get-Your-Act-Together Project.

I wanted to wake up earlier, but I woke up at about 8am. I went to Ya Kun at Safra Mt Faber again (since its really near my house) to have breakfast, while trying to memorise a bit of Organic Chemistry, and then I home and started doing Math. I can say this is the best day so far this two weeks in terms of studying. I like it. Never the less I feel like I'm a little slow and I really don't have much time left since I've wasted like, half of it. So I better continue working hard and buck up! Sadly speaking, I haven't started studying for other subjects at all. Have to like study three subjects next week. :(

Living Dead

2011-06-12T15:54:00.010+08:00

I really feel horrible within.

Ever since the June vacation lectures ended, I've been like a living dead. For the entirety of the week, the most productive was probably a day at Wei Jie's house where I studied some Chemistry with him. Other than that, I've been just sleeping. I would just lay on my bed for hours after hours doing absolutely nothing; idling my time away like nobody's business.

I jolly well know I have exams coming up very soon but I just don't have motivation to do anything. I just feel restless. It's not like I want to play; I don't even feel like using the computer. I don't even have the inspiration to write this blog.

This is like the worst holiday ever in my life.

What I Read

2011-06-09T15:59:00.007+08:00

I vaguely remember 那些年，我們一起追的女孩 as one of the first novels I had read on my own account. I'm not going to count my Lower Secondary Literature texts Totto-chan: The Little Girl at the Window and Emily of Emerald Hill since they are part of my school syllabus.

It is not only one of the first novels I had read (and Chinese at that) but also one of my favourite novels to date. I love how 九把刀, or Giddens, the author of the novel, has this quirky style of writing that I suppose all young people will enjoy. It is also very easy for me to immerse into the writing since it is not some arty-farty Literature text that requires deep analysis, from some world famous 18th century author; it is just a light read that you do not have to sweat reading.

I'm glad that Giddens has now decided to direct the film adaptation of his own novel and I'm really looking forward to the movie release. Here's the trailer:

This was the book that allowed myself to embark on a journey of reading. Well, I'm still quite 'naturally against' old texts and instead am a bigger fan of modern fiction and non-fiction, but I started reading, since around Secondary 3. Instead of just idling my time away every school day travelling to and from school, I would now take out a book and read during the thirty-odd minutes long train ride if I wasn't sleepy.

Nearing the end of 2008, I went to Taiwan with my school for a Geography field-trip. I remember buying 第一次的親密接觸 at a 7-Eleven in the train station and while waiting for the train I started reading. One of the teachers there asked me what I was reading and apparently she was surprised to see me reading a Chinese book; there were few people reading English books in our school already and there is actually someone who reads Chinese books in our school?

Actually, the proportion of students reading Chinese books relative to English books wasn't at all small. It was the proportion of students reading in the first place that is small.

Okay back to the topic, that trip to Taiwan was what marked a drastic change of my attitude towards languages. I started to love Traditional Chinese for its consistency and style of the characters compared to Simplified Chinese which I had learnt for years. I loved it so much I would write my name in Traditional Chinese while doing school assignments and even during exams. My collection of novels in Traditional Chinese grew - and yes, you don't see a Simplified Chinese novel on my bookshelf.

Somehow or another, around that same point of time, I also started to read English novels. I think it started with Paulo Coelho; I have two physical books from him and a couple of e-books that I would read on my cranky old Windows Mobile phone at that time. Then there was this period of time I was really addicted to the HBO series True Blood so I was very into The Southern Vampire Mysteries series by Charlaine Harris.

My six years (four years in Sec Sch and two years in JC) of spending three hours daily every school day for travelling to and from school was very much a catalyst to reading for me. It was those times that I had spent on the train that allowed me to really take some time out for myself and relax myself within the book. Usually at anywhere else, I just cannot settle myself down to read. I would always have this great urge to get moving and I get all tensed up trying to accomplish something.

So for these years I've been reading. I have a penchant for shopping at Kinokuniya, spending hundreds after hundreds, such that adding up with my other purchases my pay is effectively emptied. For me, I really know and love a good book-store.

My favourite is definitely Kinokuniya, in all three stores (Ngee Ann City, Liang Court and Bugis Junction) despite a huge crowd in the weekends the atmosphere within the respective stores do not seem to take a hit. They still seem to be very welcoming and seem like a really nice place to be. I especially love the Ngee Ann City Main Store for its extensive collective of books of a wide range of genres in English, Chinese and Japanese. In fact, they even have an intimate collection of German and French texts.

Next is PageOne, I love the interior design and their corporate colours which is a nice shade of green and brown respectively. They made changes to the store layout since its opening but like Kinokuniya, it has a great atmosphere. But why not Borders? I would love Borders but now it seem to be going on a sale frenzy and the stores seem to be losing their flavour. I hate to say this but it seems to be degrading itself to the level of Popular, our friendly neighbourhood stationary and textbook seller. No one really thinks of Popular as a decent book-store.

Even though I'm very broke right now ($4.98 in my bank account to be exact), at least I still have some books to pull me through till I enter the army. I'm still not done with Murakami's 1Q84 Book 3 and 挪威的森林　(ノルウェイの森; Norwegian Wood), and John Crowley's 最後的國度 (Little, Big), all of which are pretty lengthy texts that I will need sometime to savour, especially considering my heavy academic workload.

No idea how to link this from the above paragraphs but a few weeks ago Mr Cha, knowing I also read Chinese books like he does too, gave me 関於方文山的素顏韻腳詩, a collection of poetry/prose by Taiwanese lyricist Vincent Fang (方文山). Never having strayed from modern (and to a certain extent, teen) novels, it took a repeated reads for me to get into the book. However, it is refreshing to be able to engage in a different genre. In fact, I liked the method of composition so much that I ventured into another blog dedicated to writing prose, albeit amateurish.

There was one Friday afternoon I stayed back in school to study and my Chinese tutor ｆrom last year, 林老師, happened to be talking to one of her H2 students. I couldn't help but eavesdrop while I was doing my Chemistry tutorial as Ms Lim started to introduce to her novels of different genres from various authors. While eavesdropping sometimes in my mind I would be like "Oh, I like that author!" once in a while. Was quite bored doing Chemistry already so when I saw 林老師 finishing her conversation I called her over and asked her why she didn't recommend me books last year, while ended up into quite a nice time talking about books.

These six years are probably going to be the only years I spend so much time in the public transport system daily, so I'm not sure how I'm going to sustain my reading 'habit', if its even counted as one. But at least I have spent enough to 'earn' back my Kinokuniya privilege card. :)

My Own 2011 MTV Movie Awards Winners List

2011-06-06T22:25:00.000+08:00

Best Movie
What I Wanted: Black Swan / Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 / Inception
Reality: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Comments: What the fuck?

Best Comedic Performance
What I Wanted: Emma Stone (Easy A) / Ashton Kutcher (No Strings Attached)
Reality: Emma Stone (Easy A)
Comments: Makes perfect sense.

Best Female Performance
What I Wanted: Emma Watson (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1) / Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
Reality: Kristen Stewart (The Twilight Saga: Eclipse)
Comments: Fuck this shit.

Best Kiss
What I Wanted: Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1)
Reality: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson (The Twilight Saga: Eclipse)
Comments: The judges never kissed before.

Best Male Performance
What I Wanted: Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1)
Reality: Robert Pattinson (The Twilight Saga: Eclipse)
Comments: MTV just lost her viewers.

Exams Approaching

2011-06-05T00:05:00.000+08:00

Seriously.

I don't know if I will be able to make it through this. My mid-year examinations are starting in slightly more than twenty days, which leaves about 5 days for me to revise two years worth of content to make it through the paper.

While some subjects are hugely based on practise (Mathematics and Physics), there are also subjects that are require a strong content knowledge based on memory work (Chemistry and Geography). My Chemistry is especially worrying since I simply suck in it. That's not to say my other subjects are any better.

Considering I've been unwell since Monday and still am, I really didn't revise on my work. All I did was prepare for the lessons I would be having the next day and not any other extra revision in preparation for my exams. By the time I finished preparing those stuff I would almost die already. I remember on Monday night I was preparing for my Chemistry and Physics the next day and I think I almost died. I just felt so horrible trying to push myself to do the work. It was really bad the next day 'cause I swear I almost fainted during the Chemistry lecture. Thank god I was seated on my seat or else I would have have probably lost my balance if I was standing and would fall down the stairs or something along that line.

I think it's the 'flu season' so everyone seem to be getting ill. Problem is I have never been so weak my whole life, despite my glucose-6-phosphate dehydrogenase (G6PD) deficiency which subsequently led to a slight case of anaemia somewhere when I was in Sec. 2? Even then it would just be a small bout of giddiness if I sit down for too long and stand up.

I've never even gotten the flu for more than three days, but I still haven't fully recovered when it's already the fifth day into the illness. Plus I've never my whole life felt the need to even rest when I'm ill. In the past the only difference a flu would mean would be a runny or blocked nose. There was no such thing as giddiness, restlessness, eating off-the-counter Panadol, or even getting more sleep. I would just live life like any other day and in a day or two I would be perfectly okay.

Anyway, so my actual 'start' of revision would only start in these few days. I really hope I would be fully well by tomorrow so I can start the week fresh and productive, especially since my pillar of support would be gone for two weeks I guess I will be pretty lonely. So I very well do wish for the best for myself and my results would not only not disappoint myself but also a few other people.

Rewind

2011-06-04T21:48:00.000+08:00

Wouldn't it be great if we could go back to the past, when society was never at an exponential gasp? The times where our hearts were at rest; the times when our breakfasts were just soft-boiled eggs, and simple coffee and bread?

It was the times where people would eavesdrop on a lesson's proceedings instead of waiting to get out of that very place. Few bothered about the certificate - being able to sit in the class was pure indulgence already.

There was little competition, there was no stress. Times were hard but the hearts of the people were as soft as mash. Everyone bonded and it was the true kampung spirit that can never be found again today.

There were no iPads or cable TVs, but how is it that people then found glee even without Glee?

It was the worst of times, but yet it was also the best of times.

Today, we have everything we need. In fact, we have more than we need. From iPods to Starbucks, we have all the material desires we want. However, have you ever considered if the spiritual desires you need were met?

When was the last time you allowed yourself to truly rest, not just your physical body but also your mind and soul? When was the last time you never had to bother about stress, and all you thought of when you woke up was the warm sunlight?

Time for me to search for the purity of the past.

小男孩的空虛

2011-06-01T13:17:00.001+08:00

男孩從沒感覺過　什麽是家的溫暖

度過了無數孤獨的夜晚

男孩逼迫自己獨立

擁有不必依靠別人的毅力

但是男孩再怎樣想堅定自己

他還是墜入了寂靜　還有一點孤僻

心中的空虛　依然非常鮮明

他心中最渴望的　是別人的關心

Continue reading at 俊字／足跡 »

The Family

2011-06-01T01:25:00.002+08:00

I just got home from Photography Club's farewell barbecue at Pasir Ris Park.

I was really glad to be there, it was just a intimate and nice gathering with everyone around just eating, chatting, taking photos and doing all sorts of things.

Didn't bring my DSLR so no photos except for the instax that other people took with me.

It was especially touching when my juniors presented me with notes of well-wishes and from their messages I realised that most of them take regard of my presences and appreciate my efforts more than I had initially expected. This warms my heart deeply and I know that I am definitely going to miss them.

Stepping down from Photography Club only made me miss the club more than ever. Over time, I have built up an attachment to the club - with the club room, with all my friends there. You see, Photography Club in MJC is not merely a club and/or a CCA per se. For those who want it to matter, Photography Club is a family that works together to not just work hard but play hard. It is all about the bonds between us - even stronger than Hydrogen bonds.

I miss the times when I would just hang out in the club room even when it was not the official CCA time.
I miss the times where I randomly start playing songs on the speaker in the club room.
I miss the times when I was allowed to air my views on the executive committee's workings.
I miss the times where I would just help the club out in any ways possible.

I miss the times when... I was just there - for the club.

Fine, we are an amazing bunch of Photographers learning various technical aspects of Photography and taking photographs for school events. However, the club has never been solely about the skill of Photography. Rather, I feel that the art of Photography plays a great role too. Even alone, we can easily learn what it meant by ISO, shutter speed and aperture. However, it is through the club that we explore means of self-expression. It is also through the club that we display and dare to be proud of our passion.

It is through the club that we play Photography - being able to manipulate it at our fingertips. We take charge of what we want.

Photography Club is especially important to me since there are not many places that I feel comfortable enough to be myself and also be happy. It is in these places that I do not feel inferior of myself; where I see self-worth and value in what I do.

The first is when I am with my Secondary School buddies - it is the consensus that we share similar viewpoints and train of thoughts that binds us together.
The second is when I am with my current Physics tutor Mr Cha - I'm already treating him like my godfather whether he accepts it or not since we are so alike and close to each other we are just a surname short.
The third is of course Photography Club - it is my humble abode that I can seek shelter in. It is where I have the time of my life. It is where I actually enjoy working and putting in effort to do my best in all.

I am really going to miss this family of mine, and I definitely want to present well wishes to the club. I am confident for this batch of juniors, Sheen - with her analytical mind and insightful thinking - can push the club further past boundaries of success.

Illness And Exams Don't Go Well Together

2011-05-30T22:03:00.000+08:00

I was to have a General Paper exam today at 1pm, so I decided that I shall wake up early and leisurely take my time. In fact, I woke up at 8am and walked to Safra Mt Faber and had breakfast at Ya Kun Kaya Toast, bringing along with me 50 Facts That Should Change The World 2.0 to read as some last minute preparation for my paper.

The food was good albeit the super sweet coffee. Nevertheless it felt nice to take my time in the morning and just enjoy the sun. I should do this more often.

However, I felt cold. I kept sniffling, despite me being perfectly well yesterday. I really hope its just the air-conditioning and the sniffling would not go on during my exam.

I was wrong. When I got to the bench outside my examination venue where Divya and Regina was, I said hi and talked a little and that was when I realised my voice was horrendous. Oh god. Divya could immediately tell.

How grateful I was when Divya offered me a packet of tissue paper to keep throughout. So I went into the examination venue to take the first paper - Paper 1 (Essay).

I did question 6, a question on whether technology aids or hinders freedom. I was inclined towards believing that technology aids freedom, and how we need technology as urbanites to not only stay in knowledge of worldly issues but also express viewpoints and make decisions for ourselves, giving examples such as the recent General Elections. However I also acknowledge the fact that technology can be misused to restrict freedom, talking about how even North Korea has a Twitter account (and I just realised I wrote the username wrongly), how even Orwell's 1984 keeps everyone in surveillance.

Throughout the paper, I just kept sniffling on and on. It was like a party in my nose. I should have just dropped dead there.

For Paper 2, the comprehension passages were talking about creativity, madness and depression. I know, what the hell right? Unwell as I was I found it impossible to absorb the passage and I just stared at the paper. I took everything at face value so trust me, I am going to do horribly for the short questions and summary. Not only so, for the Application Question, after I wrote two points, as I went on to write a third point in the last ten minutes, I was approaching the end of the space provided so I raised my hands in request for more paper. However, the invigilator somehow just chose to ignore me until the paper ended. So reaching the end of the paper, I did not even write my third point properly and just went to start a new sentence with:

"So madness is good and it has its benefits."

Yes, that's all, and there my paper went.

I am so gonna screw up my paper 2 badly so I seriously hope my paper 1 would just pull me up to a pass. Seriously I can die.

What more is that right now I have to rush to finish my transition elements tutorial for tomorrow's Chemistry tutorial, and also Group II tutorial for tomorrow's Chemistry lecture tutorial, plus another Physics assignment to hand in to Mr Cha. I am very tempted to skip tomorrow's lessons but the Chemistry tutorial would be pretty important to me and Physics also mean a lot to me (if you are a regular reader you would know).

Maybe I should skip tomorrow's Geography lecture but then again I'm already not going for any of Wednesday's lessons since I have a reporting order at CMPB. If I skip tomorrow's Geography lecture it would mean I would not be attending a single Geography holiday lecture.

What a time to get ill seriously.

Things I Want To Do Before I Die

2011-05-28T22:48:00.001+08:00

I was chatting with Mr Cha the other day about our individual lives which made me realise (or rather, remember) that I actually don't have one. My negativity, and fear of taking risks and being different has led to me leading a constrained, myopic and otherwise boring lifestyle.

I shall start to dare to dream and list out some stuffs I want to do, but I think my life can only start after 18.

1. Go backpacking overseas alone

I want to just experience being alone in a foreign land, walking around the streets knowing that very night you don't have to go back to your mundane home and neither do you have to see a single person you know that entire day. No longer do I want to bother about other people's looks; I just want to rediscover myself.

That was a dream I had years ago but I've pretty much forgotten about it ever since say, the O Level period. The stress I've gone through had taken away all the creativity I had, all my dreams I once desired, and all the outlook of life I once saw. It was that very day that Mr Cha reminded me of this dream of mind; he felt that I was too bogged up and stressed and that I should very well go backpacking alone and I will turn into a changed person when I'm back.

Then again, I'm now very well broke. Telling him that I now have just $4.98 in my bank account (I went on iBanking to check), its just impossible for me to do such a thing. He almost wanted to fund a part of my trip, but obviously I can't do that. He also gave some alternative compromises I can make for under-aged me but if I write it here some parents like Mdm Nancy Goh (from The Noose) are going to complain to MOE, so its going to be my inside joke. Nevertheless this wish is back and boy am I going to do it soon.

2. Go overseas with friends

Quite related to the previous one but nevertheless still different. I kind of have arranged with a few pals already to do this after NS so I really hope they remember what they promised. We can like, go somewhere relatively near, like Taiwan or something since we all like that place. That would be nice.

3. Work overseas

Another overseas-related one. I found that it's pretty much impossible for me to study overseas for university - the last lap of my education path - so I thought it would be great to have a job overseas, for say, at least six months? Wouldn't it be enriching to really blend into a non-Singaporean environment? Possible places that I would really love to be at would be Tokyo, Taiwan and perhaps Australia and London.

4. Get wasted

Fine, almost every under-aged teen have at least drunk one alcoholic drink before they are of age. For me, not very frequently but definitely more than once or twice. Nevertheless I never let myself loose but instead dilute whatever entered my stomach with twice the amount of water, afraid to get drunk.

However, I want to know how it feels like to get drunk. Apparently, through education and the various other ways of learning about social etiquette, humans form a natural mould in our minds that constrains us from doing the most of embarrassing actions. That it why we don't see fully-conscious naked people running around. However, alcohol can well remove that restriction for the duration you are drunk, so basically whatever way you've been acting when you are drunk is basically just what you've always wanted to do but due to social etiquette unable to do. That includes randomly flashing your tits or dong, or laughing hysterically for no apparent reason, and this list goes on.

So I really want to get very drunk one day, just so I can see what kind of a weird-ass I turn into. Just once, and that's enough.

5. (Reverse) Bungee jump

I've always been afraid of heights. Badly, badly acrophobic. I remember how even when I was in Primary School I would be afraid to stand for long period at the railing at the fifth storey of my school building. During a camp I had in Secondary School where I had to overcome a obstacle course (or rather, just walking on a block of wooden rod) in the air, I just stood very still in the middle of the rod, refusing to budge. The person at the ground who was controlling my rope asked me if I trusted him, but I didn't answer. I wanted to say "No, of course I don't trust you, who the fuck are you?", but I was simply too dumbfounded to speak at all.

One day I'm going to go bungee jumping. I don't care if I'm going to end up spurting vomit or just fainting. I just want to take the leap of faith and dive in to the depth below. Or maybe as a tiny compromise I can take the reverse bungee jump at Clarke Quay instead. Since I'm strapped on I don't really have to make myself jump don't I?

6. Live a slutty life throughout my 20s

Okay I know it sounds wrong, but seriously, who don't want to go wild before settling down? I do think of marriage; I want to get married some day and have like two of the cutest kids ever and live happily ever after. However, before that, I'm going wild. I don't mind going home at 4am for some weekends, or even waking up beside different people every night (exaggeration obviously). I think you get the drift though. Basically, not like I want to live a sex maniac's life, but rather just be able to keep playing and fooling around.

7. Learn Japanese

Finally a more normal one. I don't care, I just want to learn a new language. I really want to read Kokuhaku (告白） and 1Q84 in Japanese. I really want to go to Japan and speak in Japanese. I don't know, but I just want to.

8. Get my own house

Self-explanatory. I want to be a 'golden' bachelor and live in a designer apartment in style. Hotter than anyone else.

Okay what an impromptu post. Spurted out everything in a spur of the moment out of impulse. But ultimately most of the things I've listed seem to point in the same direction so far - I want to break out of this mundane, constrained mould I'm in and go free. Be wild. Fly. Everything inspired from the change in outlook of life I have had recently. Gonna be adding to this list as I get older.

Ending The School Term

2011-05-26T20:56:00.131+08:00

I was supposed to meet Mr Cha on Wednesday morning to drink kopi and chit-chat but he sent a text to me the night before saying that he had a staff meeting so we had to cancel it. :(

The day started with the usual extra Math lecture at 7:30, then a break before the actual first lesson started at 9:35 with a Chemistry tutorial. Then it was a Geography lecture where we just watched a video and about wasted some time, before there was a General Paper tutorial. Ms Lim returned to us our Paper 2 assignment (an AJC paper) and publicly commended my response for my Application Question! That made me pretty happy cause I finally passed my A.Q., and quite a good score (7 of 8) at that! She also made me give an impromptu sharing of my A.Q. which ended up into just me reading out my entire A.Q. in front of the class and her giving some comments, which was slightly awkward for me actually. Then after the class was a Chemistry lecture test on Electro-chemistry.

I feel like I'm in quite a loss; I don't know if I will be able to do better for this test and finally get a god-damn grade better than an Ungraded in my entire two years of Chemistry lecture tests. I felt more confident in this test than say, Organic Chemistry lecture tests, but then again I felt the same way for the previous lecture test and still I failed it badly.

Plus, I was feeling pretty hungry already in the previous lesson so it was awkward listening to my own stomach in its appeal for something to feed on. The vibrations were pretty fierce and I really don't believe no one heard it. It went on continuously for quite a few seconds and in multiple instances during that 50-minutes period! Damn. Had to spam water but ended up running out of water.

Still that wasn't the last lesson of the day! I still had a Math lecture to go so I had to buy a can of Milk Coffee (my favourite canned drink) and drink it during lecture. Stomach growling problem solved.

I kept thinking of going home to eat during the Math lecture, but then it dawned on me. There was going to be Colosseum (our college's annual sports meet) after school. God damn. The queue in the canteen was super long so I went out with Ashwini, Cheryl and Regina to 7-11 right across the street of our school to eat cup-noodles.

So there was Colosseum.

(Please pardon all the shots in this blog entry. They were all taken with my BB impromptu and were meant for TwitPic so it went through some intensive post-processing on my phone already.)

I think Phobos was hot. While overall we didn't do as well as other houses, we showed amazing group work for the team events.

Individual work can never win the effort each member of a team put in to a group effort.

It was especially touching during the 4-by-400 metres relay. Phobos didn't have a particularly good first lap worth being excited about but it was really encouraging to see Natalie and Lois, being the second and third runners, not giving up and persevering on with all their best to close the gap.

It was especially amazing and touching in the last lap to see Divya, our college's star runner and my proud classmate running past a few runners from other houses despite her injury which by right places her at a disadvantage. In fact, during her run she pulled her hamstring again. It was obvious, you can tell she was in pain, and as she described after the run, she "heard a 'pop'" when it all happened but yet she did not stop. She went on running, and as she ran past some of us standing at the second storey outside the hall watching, we screamed and shouted - Fiona and Cheryl being the most prominent ones - doing all we can to give her our fullest moral support and encouragement.

From starting at last place, the team ended the relay at second. Then again, were our spirits and energy at second place? I think not.

I absolutely do not regret not ponning (slang for skipping/being absent intentionally) this event, because I felt that it was absolutely worth it. It was great to be able to watch my fellow classmates (Natalie and Divya in the team relay for Phobos and Yeh Hang in the CCA relay for S.L.C.) and yes, I am proud of every single one of them.

Today morning, morning assembly took a good long time. The college presented the championship awards for various sports and Ms Lai was just amazing. She thanked all the sports and performing arts CCAs for their effort but she didn't stop - she went on to name every single of clubs and societies for their unsung contributions to the college.

She was happy, obviously, and she not only announced a day of holiday on Friday but also bought ice-cream for everyone - students, teachers, whatever. Every single one in the college gets an ice-cream, courtesy of Ms Lai. Not that I'm a cheapskate wanting free stuff, but it's just so sweet for Ms Lai to do that! She could well have just announced a holiday and we would be crazy-mad-ass happy already but she went a step further!

So the class started with a Math tutorial but we ended a little overtime and the four of us Physics students arrived at the Lecture Theatre late for lecture. As we went in, I thought the whole venue would be filled with the lecture already starting but I was wrong - we were the first students there. Mr Remedios (which I have no idea how to pronounce so I tend to just call him 'Mr Lawrence' as Mr Cha calls him), our current lecturer for Quantum Physics, then told us while watching our surprised face that we weren't early; the other students were just much later than us.

Mr Remedios while waiting with us then went on to show us a prism and a diffraction grating while pointing his monochromatic lasers (red and green) through it as a demonstration. I could see a moiré pattern while looking from an angle at Mr Remedios holding on to the diffraction grating.

For General Paper, Ms Lim basically just left ourselves in our 'GP cells' (mini groups) to discuss some topics in preparation for our Mid-Year papers on Monday. Marcus borrowed KSbull (RJ's in-house GP publication) from Ms Lim and we wanted to photocopy it.

I was supposed to collect the photocopied stuff from Marcus before Chrystal but as I went to their homeroom I found out that Marcus had not done that since the photocopying shop auntie did not want to print our stuff due to 'heavy workload' already there. So I got the book from Marcus instead and said that I would print it manually myself and pass him his copy when he ends school at 3:25.

During Chrystal (our college's civics and morals programme), as Natalie went to the washroom, Ashwini asked me and Yeh Hang if we were free after school. I thought I was free, so I said okay. Our class was going to celebrate Natalie's birthday in advance so we were going to buy some stuff for her before having lunch with her.

After some time, it struck me that I had a consultation slot booked with Mr Cha already at 3pm, so it meant that I can't have lunch with the class! I felt really apologetic to the class but still I can't possibly cancel the consultation slot when I had arranged it last week.

Nevertheless after school, I decided that I should still go out with the class before 3pm to buy the necessary stuff before rushing back to photocopy the book for Marcus, then going for consultation.

Yeh Hang and I headed for the General Office for him to get his free ice-cream while talking to me about a certain classmate who is a major closeted mugger (and secretively arranges consultations with all our tutors) but his secret is apparently an open one with the entire class knowing about it. Like, seriously. I really don't get closeted muggers since I think there is really nothing to hide. When I study and go for consultations I can even talk about it on my blog and on Twitter since it really do not make a difference to keep it secret!

Apparently that person thinks that if people would know that he mugs then other people would be motivated to work as well. What the hell? With your myopic and naïve 'secret', who are you trying to win, the ten other people in our class? You mean only 11 people in the whole Singapore take the A Level papers?

Anyway, Yeh Hang took his share of his free ice-cream before we all headed out and I saw that there was a bunch of post-its pasted outside the General Office! Mr Eric Chua also walked out of the office with a bunch of post-its and placed it above the shelf.

On the post-its were messages to Ms Lai thanking her! Apparently some individual started the notion and placed the first post-it before it went viral. Our college's students are just so sweet.

Anyway so still a hungry from not having lunch yet I went out of school with the class and bought some stuff and all before rushing back a little after 2:30pm. I am so sorry Natalie I can't be there to celebrate your birthday with the class!

Anyway I totally didn't leave time for myself cause I was in a mad rush trying to photocopy the book in the library and the printer was a bitch with double-sided book copying. I even wasted more than a dollar printing out blank pages and half-printed pages, seriously what the hell.

As the clock ticked past 3pm Mr Cha texted me and apparently he had to go after meeting me but he would stay for as long until we were done. I started feeling bad for being late and all but still I had to print everything out for Marcus so when I finally got to Mr Cha feeling very apologetic I was almost 20 minutes late. Good thing Mr Cha was very nice as usual to me and told me that there was no need to hurry as I tried to settle down sorting out the printed pages and all.

Turns out, Mr Cha was out of the college that day for a course but he drove back for my consultation! So sweet of him! But that made me feel much guiltier for being late since I really treasure my time with him. Okay the consultation was good as usual though my mind was pretty fucked at a few instances for a second or two cause I still haven't calmed myself down from the rush I was in earlier. Then Mr Cha and I ended up chatting a lot after the consultation which made me a happy boy again. I always enjoy his company because he cares for me and apart from casual chats he is also willing to share a lot about his life with just me. In fact he is the only tutor I've ever had solo consultation with so far because my consultations with him also works as an excuse for me to chat with him. :)

So I went home feeling good.

Ouch, Did That Hurt?

2011-05-24T23:43:00.000+08:00

I mean seriously what's wrong with people today.

Meridian JC won the football match. That's it, deal with it, and uh uh, you don't go around tweeting publicly about how we were "playing dirty", being "CHEATS" and are the "BEST ACTING SOCCER PLAYERS". Whatever happened to sportsmanship?

What, you mean that if we win, we won it through lesser means, and if you win you won it fair and square and you would deserve it totally? What kind of logic is that?

Joey Sim Yin En, since you are so quick in concluding about the skills gained through the training our wonderful Meridian football boys have gone through, why did you end up protecting your Twitter account? Aren't you a proud @fanofvjc on Twitter?

Having gone through education in CHIJ St. Nicholas Girls' School, and now at least three months in Victoria Junior College, what came out of it? What is the point of good O Level, or A Level results when this is all comes out of you?

Think it through.

Screenshot after the break.

Still Damn Worried

2011-05-23T23:18:00.000+08:00

I'm still damn worried over my results, 'cause they have been really damn sucky. It's like my Mid-Year papers are in barely a month's time.

My mind have been pretty much only filled with school work recently; I have no time to think of any other stuff apparently. Everyday I just fill myself with work and just go on-and-on like a mechanised being. All I know is I cannot let myself down and that's about it. I have to score well this time on. I cannot be getting straight 'ungraded' grades. I cannot disappoint Mr Cha. I just don't want to screw up my life.

It's the sense of uncertainty that disturbs me. I'm really unsure of what is going to happen next and I really don't know if I can take it if I were to fail another major exam. If I keep failing everything, how can I expect myself to get aces, or even some Bs during my 'A' Level papers?

I'm so scared that I will fall apart and collapse.

Discovering A Brand New Me

2011-05-16T21:26:00.033+08:00

After school today I met up with Mr Cha (my Physics tutor whom as you all know I adore) for a Physics consultation. The tens of minutes were spent pretty productively, ridding me of several loopholes and gaps in my understanding.

Unexpectedly, Mr Cha brought with him 関於方文山的素顏韻腳詩, a collection of modern poetry in Mandarin by lyricist Fang Wen-shan, and he gave that book to me. Physics tutor giving a Chinese book? How interesting, but that was because he knew that I like him both are passionate about Chinese literature, which was why he gave me one of his all-time favourite Chinese book. How thoughtful Mr Cha, I got your message. :)

I actually had never read Chinese poetry; I've always been into more of novels but that book really sparked my interest in the genre.

Mr Cha while ending the consultation embarked on a conversation with me. He asked me if I have ever had plans for my future. Through my reply, the various question marks I had and my fogged view of my future made me reveal to Mr Cha my negativity and basically dark character. He seem to have never expected that of me; he thought I was almost an exact duplicate of him since we were just so alike but it was apparent that the biggest, and only difference between us was how I lacked the ability to take things easy. He had never expected me to be so suppressive of myself; I look apathetic of everything, but deep within me I was egoistic and highly sensitive - the looks and scrutiny I get from people strikes me deeply. Also, perfectionist me would never allow myself to fail. However when I actually do meet with a setback, I can't put it to rest, instead I choose to continue to let myself down, circling in a vicious cycle. My cowardliness, my fear of change, my fear of being different, and my fear of standing out... My personality is just so hard to describe in words - it's just full of contradictions, anxiety, and suppression.

I had always acknowledged these weaknesses of mine, and I know that they will be the very cause of my failure. Mr Cha said that since I know that this stress I put on myself is going to drag me down, why continue in this vicious cycle surrendering to my bad? Why not I learn to forgive myself and accept that failure is but yet just another part of life? Wouldn't it be just great to break out of the vicious cycle? As for how lost I was as to my career options, Mr Cha even suggested that I could perhaps take up a MOE scholarship to teach, and instead use the few years to save up for greater things; to pursue my dreams.

There are some other things we spoke about as to my outlook in life that sounds pretty polished here so no one can actually feel how I felt then.

I felt like crying badly then. As I was going home on the train, I fought hard to suppress my tears, but when I finally got home through reflecting on myself I broke down. Never for a long time had I cried, but this was the first time I never had any idea what I was crying for. I was just so sorry for myself I welled up.

Mr Cha then sent me a text message which really cheered me up. That was then I realised. I was crying out my seventeen years of suppression; my seventeen years worth of stress I had placed upon myself. As for the seventeen years of camouflage I'd masked myself with, I am crying them out, slowing infiltrating into the cracks within in an attempt to erode them out.

Mr Cha is the one that allowed me to dare to face up to my issues, and now I know, that it's about time I refresh my outlook of my life.

I went to sleep, smiling.

Fine I Suppose

2011-05-14T17:34:00.001+08:00

Life as a sophomore/senior in Meridian Junior College is definitely not easy, the sudden increase in the amount of work really overwhelms you, and you need really motivation and perseverance to keep up or at least get used to it. As the terms go by I am now able to more or less keep up with the pace the tutors are all going, by sacrificing some home time for school time, with people cheering me up, etc.

However I am able to complete enough tutorial questions for tutorials, complete required assignments and hand it in, I feel like I have no soul. I am doing all these work but somehow I feel so disconnected from them. I feel like I'm doing those work just to clear my to-do list, and it's just a feeling that is very difficult to describe.

(Except Physics of course, the only subject I am highly motivated in doing and passionate about now.)

I failed NAPFA, as expected. It's always the 2.4km run-walk that screws me up, seriously. I should go train myself someday. I really hate doing PE in school 'cause the weather recently sucks badly and PE is especially taxing when done in the second period on Fridays. On the other hand on Monday, the school holiday to make-up for Polling Day, I went with Zenon to SAFRA Mount Faber's EnergyOne gym (3 minutes walk from my house) for a workout. First time there just more of experiencing the place and I quite like it. It is a rather peaceful place (since its a Monday I guess) and rather well-equipped at that. I suppose I can go there again since its so near my house.

On Tuesday, I completed my Chemistry SPA examination. We are not allowed to reveal any absolute details so I suppose all I can is that I think I should do fine, after all it is repetitive to what we were taught anyway. Notice the italicised think, 'cause I am very scared and uncertain since I was damn nervous during the experiment despite having done it times after times. There was one point I found out that I wrote the wrong observation continuously for 4 parts thanks to my impaired 'auto-complete' function when recalling things.

That's all about it. My life is about this mundane.

Oh. My. God.

2011-05-11T23:53:00.002+08:00

Mr Cha is awesome!!!

You see, Mr Cha has always been an amazing, nice and important person to me but he just got so much awesome-er. Yesterday he sent me a text asking me if I listen to Chinese songs, saying that he heard a song over 933 on radio and wondering if I know the singer.

I quite slightly taken aback, cause usually even if he strayed off Physics when talking to me he would still talk something related to education and life. Now he's talking to me about music, and Chinese pop at that! Nevertheless I tried Google-ing for the song he was talking about and told him what I found. Then, the conversation went into the songs he has been listening to recently, and I commenting that I like those songs a lot too. In fact, he is much more updated than me in terms of new songs lah! I've never listened to radio for like at least one year and lag a little behind.

The text-ing continued for over an hour and it turns out he has similar, if not same, interests as me! We both like Chinese pop music, enjoy reading Chinese novels (especially by Giddens 九巴刀), and are both Scorpios. Seriously, what are the chances?!?

P(Scorpio) ≈ 1/12
(Approximating duration of one month per one horoscope sign)

P(Singaporeans liking Chinese pop) ≈ 1/3
(Considering English, Chinese, Korean)

P(Singaporeans liking Chinese novels) ≈ 1/25
(An estimate from the rough average number of people in my cohort in St. Hilda's Sec who reads Chinese novels)

∴ P(Scorpio Singaporean liking Chinese pop and Chinese novels) ≈ 1/900

!!!

I don't even want to consider the probability of being taught H1 Physics by a tutor fulfilling the above criterion in Meridian Junior College because it will just be approximately zero. Do you see how amazing a coincidence this is now?!? When he was talking those stuff about himself I thought that he was talking about me, serious.

This is amazing and I swear he is the coolest tutor I've got my whole life. Seriously if he do not make me his god-son or good friend or something along that line after my graduation I'm going to make sure I woo/get to know Olivia his daughter. So he better stay awesome!

Short Statements About General Elections 2011

2011-05-08T14:17:00.000+08:00

1. I am happy to still have Lim Hng Kiang as my MP for West Coast GRC - He is a nice person and I don't trust the Reform Party's line-up for my constituency.

2. Atrocious to have Tin Pei Ling entering parliament as a free-rider with the backing of Goh Chok Tong in Marine Parade GRC. If she ran for a SMC, "confirm lose" is what I'll tell you.

3. Saddening to have George Yeo out of parliament - he is definitely competent and a nice person too. Nevertheless Workers' Party's line-up for Aljunied GRC is pretty good too and either way it is a loss for Singapore, but losing George Yeo is a bigger loss I think.

4. Some people are suggesting doing a mutual swop of Tin Pei Ling and George Yeo. Impossible this is going to happen but this is everyone's wish - including mine.

The Best Things That Ever Happened To Me

2011-05-07T20:53:00.000+08:00

Damn I feel like crying.

The Singapore Junior College lifestyle is tough. Almost all would agree that going through JC is the most arduous journey one could go through in his educational path - worse than Secondary School and even worse than University. Many crumble and fall apart, while some others seek alternatives halfway through. Even those who persevered on do not necessarily do well in the 'A' Level.

You can definitely feel the weight and pressure on you from all the academic stress and commitments, and thus you can never isolate yourself throughout this journey unless you desire for and thrive in depression. You will need constant support and encouragement. You need the people that will run with you in the marathon, give you a hand when you fall, and push you to continue forward when you want to give up.

The first great thing that happened to me was joining Photography Club. Photography Club was my abode from academic stress. It was what I could lean to and seek shelter when I do not perform up to expectations. Photography Club has never been just about the skill of Photography; it is the bond between those who care for the club.

This is why despite me not being part of the executive committee I would still be very willing to place my time and effort in supporting the club and be an active member for all of the club's activities. Photography Club made me happy. It gave me strength and power to be myself even as I continued to take on more academic stress. Photography Club recharged me, and thus I definitely want to thrive on.

However, I knew that I cannot be escaping from my work by turning to my CCA. That's why the next amazing thing that happened to me mattered a lot to me.

This year for my civics group there was a big shift in subject tutors. I currently now Mr Firdaus as my Geography tutor, Mr Sim as my Mathematics tutor, Mr Lee as my Chemistry tutor, and Mr Cha as my Physics tutor.

I remember on the first day of Physics tutorial with this Physics tutor he asked for someone to clean the whiteboard. Being the Physics representative for my class despite there being other representatives for the other classes since it was a combined class, I went forward to clean the whiteboard. As I was cleaning the board, I heard a slightly coarse voice.

"Thanks Jun Xian."

Whoa. His lectures were boring, honestly speaking. His voice was just so monotonous that it was the most sleep-inducing of all the lecturers during lectures, but now that voice has a special quality I will never forget!

As our new tutor, he knew my name! Never had I talked to him, and yet he said my name like he was my long-time tutor! It amazed and surprised me. He then proceeded to name each and every student in the class. I was just shocked beyond words; which tutor would memorise every students' names and faces before even seeing them for the first time?

From that point on, he caught my attention. Not only so, somehow or another, he seemed to like to 'target' me during tutorials, asking me questions in front of the class. This made me much more alert during Physics so as to be able to answer him when needed, and never once did I even think about sleep during his lessons ever since.

One night before a lecture test, he texted me.

Jun xian, ready for tomorrow paper? Mr. Cha
I don't know? It's like I'm always fine doing tutorials and stuff but once you give me a test or exam I kind of screw up?
I know you can. Perhaps just spend a bit more time on understanding the questions. No point rushing and gettings things mess up. You have potential but you are a bit passive. Will b good to see u having consultations with me to fill your gaps. I wish you all the best!
Thanks a lot :)

That touched me very much. Never had we contacted each other on the phone and he just initiated a conversation with me and encouraged me, just as I was feeling stressed up. The personal concern that he gave me was immense and I felt warmth and much motivation.

Still, I failed the lecture test. The coup de grace came when Mr Cha gave me back the paper, neither reprimanding me nor looking down on me, but rather he apologised to me for not teaching me well. He apologised to me, when I was the one failing the test. Sorry I was for failing my test, he apologised to me. I felt so guilty and horrible at myself for allowing such a nice person apologise to me. From then on, I know he matters to me and he is such an amazing person that I know I cannot ever let him down again.

On a Friday which was the Project Work results release day, I scored an A but overall the cohort didn't do too well, leading to an overall low mood throughout the college. My ecstasy lasted barely five minutes. What made the day worse was that our class had a conflict with Mr Firdaus which made me really depressed. Thank god for the Photography Club camp that came after which, cheering me up slightly. After showering around evening I met Mr Cha near the staff room. He asked me for my Project Work grade and after I said I scored an A he immediately gave me a two thumbs-up as well as the brightest grin he ever gave me. He was just so cute -- what a picture-perfect moment! Definitely made my day!

Soon after, I had my National Service pre-enlistment medical examination, and thus was absent for a Physics lecture. I ended up being pretty much lost at a whole section of Electromagnetism. As if he could read my mind, Mr Cha asked me if I needed consultation on a day while walking out of the lecture theatre and so I decided maybe I should, and proceeded to arrange an appointment with him. It was a landmark moment for me - my virgin one-to-one consultation slot!

That fine Monday approached and over the weekends I had tried as many questions I could and read through my Electromagnetism notes thoroughly to see if I understood every single point, and accumulated various questions that I compiled into point form in which I had written down since it was my first ever one-to-one consultation thus I don't know what to ask and I don't want the consultation to end abruptly and awkwardly.

The consultation session which I had arranged to be at the study bench in the atrium was definitely enriching and fulfilling for me that really reinforced my fundamental concepts related to electricity and magnetism. He was also very nice, never being too pushy but yet very clear-cut and bearing with me.

I feel great every time I see or talk to Mr Cha. He never fails to make me happy and I always get so much more motivated (and at the same time compelled) to do work and perform at my best. So, I stayed behind at the bench after Mr Cha went off to continue doing my work. After a while, Mr Cha came back and was at the vending machine behind me outside the Lecture Theatre. He asked from the distance if I drank coffee. I replied that I do drink coffee, then I realised what it meant -- he was buying coffee for me! I wanted to decline but before I could do so that can of Pokka Milk Coffee was right in front of me!

So sweet right!

That very drink serves as my best motivational call when I'm tired. When I want to sleep and feel really tired, this drink keeps me alert and awake for hours - better than the five shots of espresso over the three consecutive lattes I had before in Starbucks! Perhaps its the spirit within that can that drives me, not the caffeine. This is the very drink ever since in which I greatly rely on in my day-to-day school life.

I suppose the best thing about Mr Cha that I like is the care and concern he shows towards me. Whenever I am down, he would always seem appear at the nick of time to cheer me up and bring me to my full form. Maybe he does all these unintentionally, but every interaction between the two of us is well lodged in my mind. There are many of times I even want him to be my godfather. He's not very old, but if this happens it's really going to be the best thing that happened to me! I just do not want this connection between us to end after my 'A' Level papers - he is the type of friend I want my whole life.

Junior College lifestyle has made me mature in so many ways, even the intense school work I go through, etc. However JC also blessed me with the best things ever - Photography Club and Mr Cha. If I were to choose again - Meridian JC it is.

VVVV

2011-04-29T12:35:00.016+08:00

When we watch a performance, be it on the television, in the movies, or in the theatre, have you ever wondered what comes before the show and after the show? Apart from a never the less perfect and priceless performance, what lies behind the scenes - the effort, the tears, the pain?

I was honoured to be the photographer for the musical production - Vanity Victorious Virtue Vanquished - by the Meridian Junior College Drama Club on April 23, 2011. I got to Alliance Française de Singapour at 2pm, two hours before the first show (4pm), to catch the performers behind the scenes in their make-up, hair styling, vocal warm-ups, etc.

Looking at each of the cast putting on make-up, doing their hair, hurry here and there while still having fun in everything they do and even talking to me albeit their lack of time makes me feel really at ease and warm at heart. The Drama Club's a bunch of amazingly sweet people. In a while I started getting closer to them and it was natural for me to weave through them seamlessly at times to take photographs while once in a while getting chatted up by them.

As the start of the first show approached the performers were fearless, all they knew seem to be their passion and love for the show, their care for each other, and of course their lines. Finally, the show started slightly later than 4pm.

Despite minor hiccups with sound and lighting, the performance was great. The audience was a loving bunch and were responsive to punch lines and jokes. The performers were at the peak of their energy, out they were of their usual already great self into an alter ego of brilliance. No words can describe the show at its best when one has not watched it. It lived up to its hype and yes indeed, I loved it and enjoyed it, and so did everyone else. The show ended with much of a bang and as the first show ended it was obvious that the cast was just overwhelmed with joy.

As the directors starting giving notes after the show, everyone knew that their performance was great and met with positive responses all over. Still they did not let their sleeves down, reflecting upon what could have been better perfected for their next show. After all, this is the first ever musical done by the Drama Club and it was going to be their last show performing together soon!

The teachers and directors got the cast some gifts; the girls got pretty pocket mirrors while the guys got underwear, which was sweet. Daphne, the music director, who recorded a single years ago also gave out her single, including to me! How nice!

As the cast started to reset the show for the night show at 8pm, it was sweet for everyone to still keep talking to me. Don't you love them!

The cast offered me packed dinner which they were having and sitting with a bunch of them having dinner together, I could feel the energy within the club which I rarely feel in my social circle. They asked me if I was a full-time photographer cause I look old, then realising I am actually from MJ Photog. They also talked to me about my school, about my life, about my job that day... Really sweet people there. When they asked me if I felt lonely being the only photographer, no, really no. In fact I've never felt more at ease in detailing events. All I felt was warmth and fun in the entire set.

As the evening sky darkened, prompting the start of the next show, it was another period of hurriedness, and I felt that the mess was more pronounced than before. There was now shorter time to prepare for the show compared to the earlier show and god, it was a mess. The make-up room was small as it was and just couldn't fit everyone and so like the previous show everyone had to change on the stairs, put on false eyelashes at the car park... amazing what goes on behind the scenes.

As time ticked by, emotions started to overwhelm the cast and there started to be tears, even though they know they shouldn't cry before the show. It was an "aww..." moment and everyone else started trying to cheer each other up.

The crowd was bigger than the first show, and this was the finale. There was a different aura in this audience; to a certain extent they were more willing to express their support. This time though, I sat down as part of the audience rather than shooting for the show, as I want to enjoy every detail of the show. The feeling was different despite already watching the show. It may be a scripted play, but the energy and spontaneity was unique in many ways. The cast had brilliant voices; they enjoyed their performance; they showed no hesitation nor regret, and yes, they did it.

Ending with a resonating bang, there were screams all over. Shooting the cast getting together while on the stage felt as if it was some awards ceremony. They were laughters and tears, and the stage was simply brimming with emotions. Well done cast!

As I was taking pictures a girl ran up to me and pointing at her girl friend who was trying to hide, said that her girl friend thought I was cute. I was pretty surprised by that but how sweet! Should have given you a nice hug! Then this guy from the cast called Yiliang asked me to pick a girl to bring home. Aww okay, then I asked him who he had already taken. This was really funny for me since just hours ago Ms Jean, one of the teachers-in-charge, asked me if there was a girl in the cast that she can marry off to me. Unplanned coincidence I swear.

The drama club started to clear their props and belongings, and I felt really unwilling for the day to end. Nevertheless no show continues forever, and one day it must end. Throughout the day, many of them kept thanking me for being there and all of them well acknowledged my presence.

What a day it was for me, despite only knowing about this 'duty' the night before, my photography work this very day was no 'duty', it was pure gold. Getting to know many of them really mattered a lot to me, as on this very day only I took up a second CCA - Drama Club. It felt as if I had been shooting many times for their various events and yes, that was how at ease I was with them.

I remember Ms Jean asking me during dinner if I regretted not joining Drama Club. Yes indeed, even though I will still end up joining Photography Club, it is one of my regrets not even considering Drama as one of my other options. People who are not extroverts - like me - probably think of drama as an impossible, but let me tell you this - if its MJ Drama, you won't regret it.

Drama Club, you're amazing.

National Service Pre-Enlistment Medical Examination

2011-04-22T20:52:00.003+08:00

As you would probably know, I'm almost 18 and I would be serving conscription for the country next year.

So I had a medical examination slot booked on Thursday, April 21 on 10a.m.. I chose this date last term since the next day was Good Friday (meaning I have 4 days holiday), and based on last term's time-table Thursday is one of my shortest school days and I don't have the all important Chemistry tutorial.

Turns out, this term I have Chemistry tutorial pushed over from Friday to Thursday. And yesterday I was supposed to have Chemistry common test. Fuck my life.

Nevertheless I woke up at 9am, receiving a text from Wai Chung, my secondary school schoolmate, whom I had arranged to meet up with at 9:15am at Redhill MRT station to go to the check-up together. Fuck my wakeup time!

I took a shower, etc, etc, etc, and finally got to Redhill MRT at around 9:40a.m.. Shit. Then we took a bus to CMPB at Depot Road, which was right between my home and Redhill MRT. After getting through the security and having my camera phone locked up in a locker, we went in to the MCC, and got to the reception who directed us to our first station, photo-taking.

When I got into the room, I saw a guy with very long hair using a water-spray and trying to comb his hair up. Oh well, knowing the procedures you deserve it for not getting a haircut. I'll see whether its cooler to have a nice short haircut or having cool long hair and end up brushing it in the photo.

The man in charge of the station instructed all the guys in the room on the procedures, like wearing the given shirt there and wearing round-neck t-shirts we have to pull our t-shirts down from within during the photoshoot. We are also not allowed to have fringes.

That day I wasn't wearing my contact lens in anticipation of the eye examination so I had my spectacles on. And seriously I swear after wearing spectacles and not having a fringe I look like a fucking pre-pubescent small boy. So I took off my spectacles on purpose and instead just assume I'm looking right into the camera.

I seriously think I was the fastest guy there to finish the shot since I didn't have issues with long hair having cut my hair the previous week. All I had to do was kind of move my fringe a little up and that's it.

Then Wai Chung went to the washroom while I waited for him, then we proceeded to the next station. Turns out, it was the urine test station. LOL. Wai Chung had issues getting out more pee after already visited the washroom. I wasn't having the urge to urinate but after staying in the toilet for a minute I was able to fill the bottle cross the line indicated and I even almost overflowed the bottle and had to pull out.

Dipping the stick of indicator, which on it was what looked like different slips of litmus paper (and of course they serve more purpose then checking the acidity), the colours on the stick changed. I then poured out my urine and with the bottle, I was instructed to stand at a distance and show the guy in-charge the indicator and had to immediately throw the bottle and stick into the bin right in front of me.

After a series of eye, ear, teeth checks and x-ray, it was the room. I was asked to take off my shirt, shoes and socks and wait for my number to be called. Room C I went.

I was told to read the instructions on the wall, which was just a piece of paper stuck on the wall. I don't exactly remember what it said but basically it was like

1. Stand at the designated corner of the room.
2. Take off your shorts and underwear to knee level
3. Answer whether you have history of (i) drug abuse and (ii) don't remember what it was.

Something like that.

After showing my gems to the guy behind the desk I was told to cough (while still exposed), apparently from what I heard beforehand to test for hernia. Then after the 'test' the guy just told me "3". I was confused then he just pointed somewhere before I realised he was talking about instruction no. 3. Come on, how am I supposed to know '3' stands for "Do you have history of drug abuse?" So rude.

The next station was basically just filling up a form consisting of questions related to one's ability to lead, then I was directed to a computer to complete several modules of questions. The first modules included questions related to math, pattern-matching, ability of follow instructions, word relationships, etc and the rest were just surveys. Oh god I spent so much energy on the test! It was so mentally taxing to try to complete those questions since it involved intense and quick thinking, which thankfully I possessed to a certain extent. Nevertheless the questions were thought-provoking and pretty interesting albeit meaning I got very tired.

That was about it and I returned a pink sheet of paper back to the reception and waiting for Wai Chung to complete his tests before leaving together and having lunch together nearby.

Fuck and Yeah (Part 2)

2011-04-14T23:48:00.046+08:00

(This entry picks up the story from my recollection of Friday, April 08, 2011)

I went to the club room to meet up with some of my club mates before proceeding for this year's Photog camp, named CAM(P)ERA, a word play and amalgamation of the word camp and camera.

At last minute I was informed about my duties as a station master for one of the stations which my juniors would be playing. However there needs to be someone in the club room to keep an eye on the room while letting the juniors come and go to put their belonging, so I ended up staying in the room slacking, informing Anisah to replace me instead.

However after a while there were some kinks in the progression of my station so I ended up having to go back to the station. The station was called 'Messy String', and it quite a senseless game in the sense that all the groups have to do is to get a string through the shirts (all of their shirts at once) and that's about it. Why 'Messy' then? It's because the string was pre-soaked in a concoction of eggs, stray leafs, water, flour. To add on to that I specially went to buy bandung, sparkling apple juice and Milo to add a tinge of flavour. Mid-game I would start splashing some of the mix on the string.

Okay it still sounds stupid.

Anyway after the freshmen completed all the stations it was shower time at around 6+ in the evening. Took a shower at the decidedly 'Staff toilet' that no one bothers to acknowledge. The staff toilet is different in the fact that it has individual water heaters! Nevertheless it was still pretty different taking a shower in a toilet cubicle of what is an estimate of 1m*1.5m area with a toilet bowl included. Anyway an observation of the school male cubicle for showering made since last year's camp - don't stand too near the door or stop the water. When the water is stopped the relatively still water on the floor serves as a reflective surface so essentially your jewels are reflected on the floor and it is possible to see your neighbour in the adjacent stall. So I just let the water run and run.

While walking back from my shower to the clubroom I met Mr Cha near the staff room. He smiled the instant he saw me as he walked out of the staff room and meeting me, he asked me for my PW grade. I said 'A' and he immediately gave the brightest grin ever while putting his two thumbs up for me! That was so sweet! That easily made my day despite the earlier hours of the school day wasn't exactly a memorable thing to have. He was just 10 points higher in my ranking of my favourite tutors, really.

In the evening the freshmen had Photography lessons, alternating between a few stations. Chester, Sharon and I took duty at the Studio Photography station in the club room. Okay I'm getting tired here don't feel like typing too much stuff. Just see the pictures or something.

At midnight the club went for an outing at the Marina/town area.

Random scandalous photo of Rebecca and Tiffany coming out of the gents. Tiffany's face is epic.

A few not-so-good photos. Not a photo-productive night.

On the next day was group outing where the club was split into groups to go to different places.

Some photos at Chinatown.

And some photos at Botanical Gardens.

And lastly all the groups met up at Marina Barrage where we ended the event. Many of the alumnus were too present, including Justin, Kenny and Cheng Boon who were all bald from entering conscription.

It started raining badly with thundering storms and lighting in abundance. We ended up having to run to somewhere else higher ground to avoid rain. Blah.

Ended the day having dinner with some of them.

Mrs Chong

2011-04-11T22:09:00.000+08:00

Mrs Chong on YouTube

I chanced upon this video by Ministry of Education, Singapore on YouTube, which is an advertisement for the recruitment of teachers. A simple story that simply touches hearts. I believe many students can identify with this video, even if their individual experiences are different. The sense of gratitude, of warmth, etc, just can't be forgotten.

Fuck and Yeah (Part 1)

2011-04-11T22:03:00.000+08:00

It was a crappy day, 8th April.

Before I start the entire story, here's just a small piece of information - Divya's birthday was on the next day and so the class prepared a tiny birthday surprise with Mr Firdaus (Geography tutor and Civics tutor) keeping the cake in the staff room.

It was going to be Photography Club camp after school so I had to lug a lot of stuff to school. I left my shoe bag and camera equipments in the club room.

A very normal Geography lecture for first period. Halfway through the lecture, an announcement came on - Project Work results were going to be out at 10:30am!

Second period was PE, thank god we weren't running since my group train for 2.4km run on Tuesdays. I was getting bouts of headache during PE and it has been like this for the entire week - random bouts of headaches weighing my head down. Nearing the end of the lesson, Chester told me that the Project Work results were out.

Oh my fucking god. As the class ended, Tsz Kin (my Project Work team-mate) and I walked from the gallery wanting to go to the General Office to check out our results. How afraid we were. As we left the gallery, Rebecca and Cheryl (our team-mates) came over and informed us about our aces! An entire group of aces! It was just amazing, I was overwhelmed with joy, my face felt slightly numb and there was just no way for me to express my elation in its entirety.

However, there was quite a number of people who were unable to achieve their desired grade. The atmosphere around the college was a turn off. It was difficult being happy when the mood and atmosphere around the college is tense, awkward, and just plain sad. For an estimate of 41% of Aces, it being an estimate since our Principal Ms Lai did not even bother announcing a percentage, it was plain bad. At least in Meridian JC. We don't care about PJC at 5% or TPJC at 10%; the result was simply not representative of the Meridian culture and potential.

There were people who cried, and people who did not cried but was totally distracted during the lectures. It sucks, really really sucks.

I wanted to console my classmate, but I discovered that no words from a student can heal another then.

After Math lecture, some of us went to get a quick snack and were late for Geography tutorial. Mr Firdaus appeared to be pissed off and we knew we were late and so were quite sorry. However, we were shock by the response we got. I suppose it's quite difficult to understand our surprise for people not in our class.

He said that we had no respect for him, that he would be cancelling the tutorial, and rather us just choosing another time to make up for the tutorial. He then started packing his laptop and midway through he went:

"Oh, I heard your class did quite for PW. Congrats."

He then gave a smirk and just walked out of class.

We were stunned. That was no Mr Firdaus. That was some possessed bitch which gave a sarcastic smile that no one would ever see on Mr Firdaus, not to mention even expect or imagine it. That was a random whore on the streets that unlike Mr Firdaus, would not be that friend that understood our tiredness as a JC student and let us off for 20 minutes to buy food, nor let us off minutes early before the end of the lesson.

Never the less, it was our fault and we felt apologetic for our misbehaviour albeit our shock at his Mr Firdaus's behaviour. Rebecca suggested that we look for Mr Firdaus and apologise for that.

We went to the staff room to look for him and ultimately found him in the atrium. He was giving a consultation to another student - within five minutes of leaving the class. He seemed to be normal there - the Mr Firdaus that we recognised. We went over and apologised with much sincerity and bowed.

I was confused for the next few minutes over what happened next but as I got my thoughts straight it turned out that Mr Firdaus revealed to the class in front of Divya about her birthday surprise. We were caught unaware by that jaw-dropping 'surprise'.

You spoiled my day so I'll spoil yours too.

It was appalling to see the stark contrast; the hidden nature ('true colours') of a person. How people can own alter egos and act totally differently. I have no idea why all these things happen to our class. This episode reminded me of our class's row with Mr Chow last year when he reprimanded the people in my class over his misunderstandings with the class photo committee. Mr Chow was another guy that was so loveable until it just took one incident to change his entire behaviour.

How can person's behaviour be so appallingly contrasting!?!

Oh no you didn't spoil our day, really. It could be just yet another day we can easily forget since it wasn't exactly a significant day. However, that was a pathetic and petty act that spoiled Divya's year, thank you very much. It was just a desperate attempt to save some face for oneself and 找台階下 (literally 'find staircase to get off the stage'). What a joke.

Never the less some damage was done - at least to the class morale. Yeh Hang and I came up with some conspiracy theory, that perhaps it was that he already had a consultation session with that girl and just took the chance to ditch us, but it was a joke of course, we refused to believe he was such an ass.

After school though, we still went on celebrating Divya's birthday, despite the surprise being effectively exposed. It was a nice, sweet and intimate gathering and it helped quite a bit in our moods.

To be continued...

Updates

2011-04-03T17:54:00.000+08:00

1. March Block Tests (ended 24 March)

Screwed it up, badly. So far I've only gotten back my General Paper essay and my Physics. Physics was damn horribly done. I know I will screw up Math and Chemistry too. Maybe even Geography this time because I studied for the wrong topic because everyone was told the wrong questions. I have nothing else to say.

2. Cycling (26 March)

I went out with Zenon and Garry to East Coast Park on the Saturday after our tests. We wanted to kind of mark the end of the block tests but had nothing to do because the city area is very boring! I'm sick and tired of always going there; I think I can blind-fold myself and walk around that place. We ended up going to East Coast Park to cycle, after all since I did not knew how to cycle so I also wanted to take the chance to cycle. The rented bike was ours for two hours.

There was a weird guy cycling on the damn small children's bike

Zenon and Garry trying to fix my bicycle chain that came off

I spent over 90 minutes trying to cycle for more than a metre and I was just unable to balance, looking like an idiot putting my feet on the ground every 10 seconds cause I was on the verge of falling off. However after a really long trip I was getting the hang of it and I started to cycle for quite a distance! Well I cannot make big/sharp turns and was having a pretty much unstable ride but nevertheless within 2 hours I was cycling! Seems like I'm pretty ahead of my peers in evolution to learn things quickly, regardless of the time I start. Hahaha.

3. School Starts (since 28 March)

Sucks badly. It's Term 2 and everything just catches up on you. I am tired once again. Sometimes I really cannot wait to just take my A Level papers and get it over and done with. Seriously. I hate this shit. My results are horrendous and I'm like really last in class. I hate closeted muggers and bitches who just scores decently.

4. Chalet (02 April)

Went for chalet. Nothing much to talk about but it was just a nice gathering with my Secondary School friends that I haven't met for sometime.

No idea why my BB camera makes the flames purple. It's probably the intense heat that is screwing up the camera?

I was playing Mahjong with 10 cents bet and I kept losing 1-tai and 2-tais. I just needed to win once, and this was it. $3.20 each.

Seth Rogen Dissed Singapore on Conan O'Brien. So What?

2011-03-22T23:57:00.002+08:00

'Seth Rogen Talks About Singapore on Conan O'brien' on YouTube

I don't get all the fury from Singaporeans about Seth Rogen's comments about Singapore while on O'Brien.

I mean, it's O'Brien for god's sake! It's meant to be humour for the Americans, albeit at the expense of Singaporeans. Still, isn't that how life works, we mock each other and we accept that as jokes and don't take them personally. We should know when to joke and when not to. Clearly he is joking, just listen to him saying that his second career is being a drug smuggler, do you think he is serious? Besides, it is a talk show meant to (mostly) provide humour; if he said that on CNN or some news channel he is so going down.

Nevertheless, he is just showing the misconceptions and common generalisation that Americans have on Singapore. Remember how Americans used to think that Singapore was somewhere within China? Yeah, and seriously, we can mock China and stuff and Americans can't joke a little?

If you watch Glee, you would probably remember Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) on Preggers (Season 1 Episode 4) in Sue's Corner talking.

"You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who has safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition and they’ll tell you one thing. Caning works. And I think it’s about time we do a little more of it right here. And to all those nay-sayers out there who say that’s illegal. You can’t strike children on their buttocks with razor sharp bamboo sticks. Well to them I say, yes we cane."
"And that’s how Sue sees it."

That was funny too, and its meant to be funny. So just accept it as a joke.

Studying at Starbucks Liang Court

2011-03-19T23:04:00.000+08:00

On Tuesday I returned to study at Starbucks, Liang Court. I've been studying there since my mid-year examinations while I was still a freshman. I would start appearing there almost daily starting from a week or two before my major papers.

I like it there, really. The fact that most people that go there in the mornings are either Japanese families (its a Jap-friendly mall) or tourists from Novotel (the hotel connected to the mall) means that there are few Singaporeans. So its pretty much a nice feeling. There is something annoying when groups of Singaporeans come together, really. Especially like 4 or more office ladies, oh my god those bitches I don't even want to start.

Anyway its just very comfortable there and you can pretty much relax while stay concentrated. When you are tired just lift your heads up from your paper and you will see at least either a hot Caucasian or a sweet Japanese kid. It's a totally different feeling from studying in Changi Airport; the airport is so last year. At Liang Court's Starbucks, there is no chasing out of customers because there has never been a problem of excessive number of students studying. There are lots of adults there doing their work as well and despite the place not being exactly spacious it can still somehow fit everyone in. It's the fact that you can be there for a few hours and never feel that you are taking up someone else's space that makes the place great too.

Oh and on Thursday, Ivan (my club senior) dropped by Starbucks to see me. He works just across Liang Court as he awaits entry into University and knowing my whereabouts from Foursquare and Twitter he came over during his lunch break. We were pretty much good Twitter friends but this was the first time we even had a conversation over three lines face-to-face - and we chatted for quite a long time. Well it was the first time I actually chatted with him in real life so at first it was kind of like trying to find something to say but in minutes I was warmed up and could speak more properly. We talked about many things - our jobs, my school life, the club, technology, etc. Well overall it was pretty nice seeing him around.

And today on BlackBerry Messenger I chatted with my only friend, Wanxin (my GP classmate). Apparently she is the only one whom I know that has both BlackBerry and a BlackBerry data plan at the same time. Basically it started off with boredom but went on to talk about school work. I almost wanted to cry in Starbucks surrounded by everyone when I talked about Physics. I am so afraid I am gonna to fail it all over again and disappoint Mr Cha. He's beyond damn fucking nice and I've never gotten a nicer tutor than him I swear. I've got nice teachers before but no once has ever been this friendly and nice before. Are Physics teachers all this nice? My Pure Physics teacher back in St. Hilda's, Mrs Chan was very bubbly and nice too.

The other day I was eating at Tampines Mall with Wei Jie and Mr Cha happened to be there too! I didn't even see him but he just smiled and waved brightly at me! That was really sweet okay. Usually if I meet my teachers on the streets I have to be the one who actually approach them then they will just hi and just rub shoulders. Also before the holidays started I failed my Physics lecture test and he actually apologised to me.

He said he was sorry and it must be that he didn't teach me well! Which tutor ever apologises to his student and say that it was his teaching that was lacking!?! Obviously it wasn't his inability in tutoring since there were some people from my Physics class that performed decently.

So it was my fault, and he apologised to me.

I feel horrible whenever I think of this. The lecture test was really relatively a minor thing but he absolutely did not have to apologise. He could have easily scolded me and insult my work but he took things to a whole new level. I really do not wish to fail my Physics, as usual all over again. I don't know how to face him if I fail horribly again, and I think I am going to.

This also quite applies to all my other subjects actually. The tutors I have this year are really quite nice (and they teach well too) and I don't want to disappoint them. Compared to some other Civics Group, I really have the privilege of having a great team of teachers (trust me, some other students don't) and I feel like I really should not waste their efforts.

This sucks badly. I've never had this tremendous stress in my previous ten years of Primary and Secondary education. I never thought about my teachers - their hard work and the fact that not all are doing it just for the money. Some really have the passion to teach and I definitely shouldn't be disappointing them.

How can I... How can I not disappoint them?

Exam

2011-03-16T01:16:00.003+08:00

Monday was the first paper of March Block Test - General Paper. To prevent possible doziness, I had a energy mint that I bought online. It's kind of like a normal mint but the caffeine content is more than a can of red bull.

So I had one. I wouldn't say I was totally active and bright and alive, but at least I didn't doze off or feel sleepy while doing the paper itself. It was only after I finished the paper and had some free time that I started yawning a little. I guess boredom still beats caffeine after all.

For Paper 1 (essay), I wrote question four.

'What we study today is irrelevant to our future.' Comment.

Sure, it isn't exactly an easy topic, but it was what I decided on after cancelling out other questions, taking into account the strength of my possible arguments, any possible examples to support my point, etc. This wasn't an easier topic; it just wasn't as difficult.

Anyway basically I wrote about how on primary levels the content we learn are irrelevant but it paves the way for more relevant specialised courses. Even if we do not enter a career directly related to the course of study we can still make use of various skills (thinking processes, etc.) picked up throughout education. Ultimately even if we don't do well in our studies there are still endless possibilities with the many success stories around. Overall there is still relevance in what we study to our future. Summarised about my entire essay right here in this paragraph.

I don't know, but I'm never confident in my essay. Well sure, I kind of like this essay I wrote, but I really don't know if I did it properly, considering the sub-par performance I've been having in my GP assignments recently.

Still, what I'm more worried about is my Paper 2 (comprehension). It was a passage about torture. It wasn't difficult to understand, the passage, but to express my views and give fresh insights to the author's statements in the Application Question was a totally different thing. It's kind of like, when you read the newspaper sometimes you know exactly what's happening but you just have no comments. So I ended up just writing two points, and they're not even strong arguments.

Not wanting to think about it, I started reading 挪威的森林, a Mandarin translation of Haruki Murakami's Japanese novel ノルウェイの森 (noruwei no mori; Norwegian Wood). Before the GP paper I finished reading the English translation and I quite liked it, so I proceeded on to read the Mandarin translation.

This is the second time I'm reading two translations of a book in a foreign language. The first time I did this was Le Magasin des Suicides by Jean Teulé, which translates into The Suicide Shop or 找死專賣店. The English translation was a major disappointment, the lacking of a strong vocabulary to capture the emotions of what I supposed the author had wanted to show. The Traditional Chinese translation however was much richer and was much more interesting to read even though the content was the same.

Okay there's supposed to be another part to this entry but I decided to split it into two entries because it kind of strayed.

Eating Our Words

2011-03-10T21:30:00.000+08:00

Our college conducts Chrystal electives for the sophomores to sign up for and I signed up for this course called Eat Your Words with some of my CCA mates.

For three Thursdays, we were taught the essentials in western dining - from etiquette to pronunciation. Of course, the best part was when we were introduced to some food that I would say, a big portion of Singaporeans would not have consumed before.

2 weeks ago, on February 24, we had our first session. We were introduced to some terms used for multi-course meals, like entrée which everyone probably knows, amuse-bouche and more sickening words like hors d'œuvre which I've seen before but never known how to pronounce (no, it does not starts with 'horse').

We had some simple breads, like bretzel, and with that we also had some dips, like the pesto and salsa. No photos here cause I haven't got my Blackberry (I think) which means I was still holding on to my sucky old Diamond. It isn't that interesting anyway to take photos of.

Last week, things got slightly heated up and interesting. We had meringue. It's basically one big piece of whipped egg white and sugar. That's it. Hearing that makes the food sound damn fattening.

It was damn interesting watching the meringue get split apart!

It's looks almost like a product of a chemical reaction but the powdery goodness is great!

For this session we had English tea. Out of camomile, earl grey and chai, I like cammomile best. Maybe its because there was a generous amount of sugar added. Anyway, with the tea we had crumpets.

It has an interesting texture to it, a little chewy and spongy. The various holes within adds to the fun eating it. On top of the crumpet there was a layer of clotted cream, topped with some berry conserve.

It's very sinful, but really nice to have.

A great way to spend my last lesson on Thursdays.

Lorong Halus Wetland

2011-03-07T01:53:00.014+08:00

Almost a month ago (19 February), a few of us at MJC Photography Club was invited by Pasir Ris Elias CC to take part in a photo-taking contest in then soon-to-open Lorong Halus Wetland.

Some obligatory close-up flower shots.

Farhan and Chester

Two of my favourite shots

Here's the most fun part of the entire trip.

Farhan is super fun to be with.

The sun was starting to set and the lighting was amazing!

Highly exaggerated HDR imagery. 'Original' coming up next.

And that's about it for the trip!

Promise This

2011-03-06T01:29:00.001+08:00

Watch on YouTube

An amazing cover of 'Promise This' (Cheryl Cole) by ADELE at BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge.

Marry Me

2011-02-20T15:50:00.001+08:00

Watch on YouTube

Performed By: Train
Written By: Pat Monahan

Forever can never be long enough for me
To feel like I've had long enough with you
Forget the world now, we won't let them see
But there's one thing left to do

Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way

Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

Say you will
Say you will

Together can never be close enough for me
To feel like I am close enough to you
You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love you
And you're beautiful

Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally showed her my way

Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

Say you will
Say you will

Promise me you'll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to sing to you
When all the music dies

And marry me
Today and everyday
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

Say you will
Say you will
Marry me

Tiring Week

2011-02-12T23:23:00.003+08:00

What a tiring week I had this week.

On Monday it was a long day as usual, till 3:25pm.

Tuesday was worse. The Geog lecture was non-stop droning of words and I went online to keep awake. Ebay-ed stuffs and browsed ASOS. Then after the double period break it was five periods in a row! So tired after GP I fell asleep between GP and Geog right after Ms Lim left the tutorial room. Then Mr. Firdaus woke me up and I just kept spamming the bottle of love letters our class received from the college for CNY.

The last of the five periods was double period Chemistry SPA. It was an experiment on Reaction Kinetics which involved quenching solutions and performing multiple titrations. Because just a small mistake means redo-ing everything, it was super scary for me to perform the experiment. Nevertheless I completed the experiment and after the lesson ended at 5:05pm, I went to the Photography Club room to have a briefing for mugshot administrative duties for Thursday and Friday. Ended up staying pretty late.

Wednesday morning was House Meeting! Dreaded it cause it meant our late Wednesday was taken away. What the shut can. Basically the meeting started with some Phobos people dancing the full Open House dance then it just went on into the house activities for the entire year.

Then it was kind of only a few lessons but after that I hurried over to the Photography Club room again to prepare for the freshmen's CCA Orientation. I quickly Photoshopped the leaflets promoting our club and then was in the library printing like 100 copies of the paper. It was so tiring doing the printing cause the photocopying machine in the library had super atrocious quality! Don't know if I'm too much of a perfectionist or what but as a photographer how can I allow such bad quality prints. It looked like the picture went through a exaggerated 'S' curve in Photoshop's Curves. In the end I hurried back to the club room to get a soft copy to print from computer thinking that would be better. It was slighty better but seriously not pretty. Had no choice but to accept that since no time or nice printers liao. Then Rebecca and I cutted the fliers into half so total 200 copies.

The response at our Photography Club booth was overwhelming, with over 70 freshmen registering for interviews. However there were few males. Cool thing though is apparently there is a guy called Chin Boon with Canon EOS 5D Mark II. Some of the club members seem to be pretty excited but I was like okay.

On Thursday and Friday, I was excused for the entirety of the day to help out for the mug-shot photo-taking. I like it. So fun that I contributed my hair wax for public use. There were of course some bitches but generally everyone was pretty nice.

After the long school day on Thursday, our club started with interviews in the evening for those who signed up at our booth. There was a total of 3 days for interviews. The first guy I interviewed was Chin Boon. Apparently he used to have some random Olympus camera and started taking pictures and recently got a 5D Mark II, a 24-70mm, 70-200mm, and 50mm prime. What the shit. He takes various genre of Photography, including Wedding Photography, etc., so yah.

Another person I remembered well was Ryan on Monday who has his own amazing way of speech that really brightens up your mundane day.. I giggled and laughed as I chatted with him because he has an amazing knack for subtle humour. His choice of vocabulary is innocently rough and he just cracks you up. I so want him to be my new best friend from the freshmen, seriously. At the end of the interview, I asked him

"Who is your favourite pop artiste?"

Of course, he was pretty taken aback by my sudden irrelevant question but he handled it quite well, saying that he liked Train and Sara Bareilles. So I continued.

"Do you prefer Lady GaGa or Britney Spears?"

He prefers Lady GaGa, saying that Britney Spears sounds like she's "talking with a tune" and Lady GaGa is slightly more talented. I LOL-ed at his view on Britney, and it was pretty interesting talking to these interviewees albeit some were pretty boring or weird.

Today was a super tiring day! In the afternoon I went to Wei Jie's house for a gathering but ended only being there for less than one hour cause I had to rush off. Meeting up with the class, we arrived at Mountbattan train station and walked a short distance to St. Hilda's Community Services Centre at 10 Jalan Batu.

It's pretty difficult to talk in detail but basically I was there for a REACH (CIP) activity as one of the helpers for the Chinese New Year dinner there for the elderly. Best. CIP. Ever. Seriously. I've never loved CIP so much (other than volunteering for Cerebral Palsy Centre in Sec 3) and I must say I really love it. Of course I was annoyed by a person or two, but guess what, the elderly people were amazingly nice, it was their children that were rude. So pissed by that woman I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Nevertheless it was great joy to have the honour to be part of the event. Would definitely continue volunteering in related activities

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod touch

A Question From Facebook

2011-02-06T01:27:00.000+08:00

I was uploading some photos from the college's Chinese New Year celebration on Wednesday but was faced with a daunting question from Facebook where I was asked to tag the names of faces in the photographs.

Back To Tiger Year

2011-02-04T18:52:00.001+08:00

As usual, on every Chinese/Lunar New Year I like to do a flashback on what happened over the last lunar year as a consolidation of what I have done.

For me, the Year of the Tiger (mostly 2010) was the year of the JC. I have never felt worse. The stress is just overwhelming and I just feel so so horrible. However, the year was definitely a memorable year; Junior College lifestyle somehow really shapes you and I really feel the change within myself. Overall, other than school school school, my year was rather mundane, so it was actually difficult for me to put together this entry since there is just nothing interesting.

1. Camp Exposure (April 09-10, 2010)

I joined the college's Photography Club. Maybe its because of my low expectations (cause I hated that club I was chairperson in in Secondary School), or simply because the club is really epic, but I really love it. We are simply not like any other geeky 'Photography Club' in some other schools. We make holding the DSLR cool. We are the most popular of the Clubs & Societies in Meridian JC. We are a fun, loving and warm family.

When we joined the club, we had a club camp in April. It was really the time I blended in into the club.

2. Canon PhotoMarathon 2010 (October 23, 2010)

A few of us in the club joined the Canon PhotoMarathon 2010 in October. No one won anything, but it was a great time that we spent together.

3. Work (October 12, 2010 - December 03, 2010)

After the Promotional Examinations, I felt really disappointed in my performance (though it was before results release) and so I decided to go back to work. In the college, all was left was preparation for Project Work Oral Presentation and Chinese 'A' Level paper. I felt like I have done quite a lot for other components of Project Work throughout the entire year, so I felt that I should let go a little as the team leader and let the group have slightly more control of their project. So I did much lesser than I used to and spent most nights (from 7pm-10pm) working at my employer's.

Of course, I didn't let go totally; I still am part of the group as the leader, so there were parts that I still had to step in. I am pretty much an egoistic perfectionist when it comes to team work, and all I knew was everything done must be up to my standards. So I had to be quite a bastard and get my opinions straight out.

Most nights I would work with all my might. I never rested for a single minute and that really allowed me to earn much more than some of my other colleagues who were students as well. Of course, I was the earliest student working there with my fixed academic terms (I don't count Poly students here) and there were some annoying 'O' Level graduates who joined after. While they were chatting, I called non-stop. So even as the call success rate fell and some of them couldn't even earn $10 after a day, I was still earning at least $50 a night even though it was a new low for me.

4. Geography Pulau Ubin Fieldtrip (November 23, 2010)

I thought it was quite a nice experience. I have never cycled my whole life (can you believe it!?!) and so I wasn't able to handle a bike on my own, which gave me the opportunity to ride on the tandem with Mr Parsons! It was super fun double-cycling and I think that even if you know how to bike yourself you should try the tandem. The tandem gives you double the fun when you try to steer, speed or brake. It's just amazing.

5. Meridian JC Prom 2010 - Il Premiere (December 08, 2010)

It was a blast. At first we were all slacking cause we simply had no business, and the next minute I wanted to die from all the tiredness. The Vans on my left leg was rubbing against above my left sole, so it felt super painful it even bled a little. The right leg was perfectly fine though, strangely. So I just took off both shoes and walked around barefooted.

6. The Meridian CNY Celebration (February 02, 2011)

Of course, the Meridian family had her own Chinese New Year celebration to welcome the Year of the Rabbit.

OMG cuteness!

The college hired a lion dance troupe to perform for the college and albeit the duration it was fun. The small kids around courtesy of the college's tutors were oh-so-cute. The college's tutors really have some healthy sperm and eggs.

It was a great big coincidence that CNY Celebration happened to be the final day of the orientation for the freshmen. They had water games and everyone had real great fun.

It was a game within a game. Before the actual competition started, the OGLs were already having the time of their lives. Then after the games finally began and the freshmen seemed to be really well acquainted already with everyone else.

I don't know why, but our batch didn't look like they had much fun last year. This batch seem to be real sporting and have real chemistry with the OGLs.

Back to my homeroom, I think my Civics Group really did a great job with our notice board! While it was meant to be a Chinese New Year Notice Board Competition, who wants Chinese New Year stuff to be around the whole year. So we were smart enough to just include some subtle elements of CNY in and for the rest we just claimed the entire board!

Oh Well,

2011-01-31T20:12:00.001+08:00

Just realised I haven't blogged for at least a week.

It's the start of the new school term and my classes are basically back on track to full speed ahead for most subjects. That means I'm more tired than ever and I am lucky if I can even stay awake long enough to do my homework at night. It's just taking a toll on me. Plus it would be at least gratifying to be able to complete your homework, problem is many of times I cannot do the question. That's the worst part. I spend my night thinking about the question and I can't answer! Horrible.

On Saturday Zenon, Garry and I went to Suntec Convention Centre where NTU held a seminar/talk/something. Basically an exhibition on their school. There was a hell lot of students and parents around and we sat for a intro talk about the university admission, fees, subsidies and scholarships. Definitely one of the choices I'm considering apart from NUS.

I've always been disorient in the sense that I never know what I'm doing to do in the future - I always take a step at a time without planning ahead. If you ask me what course I want to take in University, I will probably say Business, because I don't know what to do so might as well go the most well-sought after and safest route. While walking around the booths from the various schools in NTU, a professor chatted up to me talking to me about the Physics he teaches in NTU. Suddenly gave me some interest in Physics, but it left me worried about being less eligible than other since I take H1 Physics. So he talked to me a little more and gave me his name card.

I'm never good in selecting courses, but hell can I eliminate those I don't like. I definitely don't want Chemistry (knew this since Sec 2 but am always forced to take), I don't want Engineering (fuck my Sec Sch CCA), and I don't want to take a course and end up not knowing what sort of job I can take up or have a super low pay I can't live by.

Okay I'm talking crap. Whatever.

The Childhood I Lacked

2011-01-23T02:16:00.002+08:00

Also on Flickr.

For MJC's Photography Club, we are planning on updating the pictures on display all around the campus with new ones. We have three themes - B&W Landscape, Night Photography, and Toys.

I bought the toy from Cat Socrates yesterday. It's my second time there and I'm still loving the place very much. It's opened by a Shanghai-nese and apart from the Simplified Chinese books available, they have cute little stuffs like notebooks, bookmarks, tote bags, tin toys... Great to walk around exploring. You can also grab a drink (they have pretty nice juices in bottles) there and have a seat and read their little warm collection of books for free (a separate shelf from those for sale). I wouldn't recommend studying there cause I think you will be a big bastard spoiling the atmosphere there.

And so last night, technically after midnight, I suddenly decided to clear my desk and take photos of the toys I bought. Using my study lamp as a light source, I took photos of the two toys I bought. I spend quite some time but it was super cool. Takes all the stress away from school work.

View on Vimeo or YouTube.

Lens

2011-01-19T21:18:00.000+08:00

In the club room today, we gave a surprise early birthday celebration for Shruthi! A few club members including Joel had a mad rush preparing. Excitingly nice. :) Happy birthday!

After a short club meeting, most members left and the exco, and a few of us non-exco members stayed behind. Ms Koh came in and announced Mr Cheng's 'permanent loaning' of club equipments and some of his own stuff. Super nice can! It means that now we can keep the club's stuff permanently at home without spending days trying to loan. Of course, this offer was valid only for the exco and selected members (a.k.a. me), and everyone had some allocated lens. However Atikah (being the vice-president) and me were the rare few ostracised members using Nikon (others use Canon) and so the two of us were allowed any compatible equipment for our respective cameras. Still the club's Nikon equipments weren't the best since the majority of the members use Canon (years ago it used to be Nikon) and so the club exclusively purchases Canon stuff. Our Nikon stuff dates back at least 5 years I suppose. There are so many 'however's here so I'll list them down.

1. 'Permanent loaning' of selected equipment to some members :)
2. However, Atikah and I use Nikon - limited stuff :(
3. However, since so, we are allowed any compatible stuff :)
4. However, the club's Nikon stuff are old/cranky :(

I know right, suddenly happy then think further sad then think further happy again.

Nevertheless it was a good thing for the Meridian Photography Club family. Now it is so much easier/motivating for us to bring camera around to take photos knowing we have pretty good equipment. Thus I brought home a Sigma 50mm f/2.8 and another 15-30mm (can't remember the aperture on-the-spot). :)

Blogging on my iPod

2011-01-18T21:37:00.000+08:00

I like blogging on my iPod touch.

Recently as I start having less time to spare at home to type an entire blog post, I have started to type some impromptu blog entries while I travel on the public transport system.

I like reading on the train, and recently I've been reading 1Q84 by 村上春樹 (Murakami Haruki) and I love the novel with its interesting organisation and alternative storyline. Albeit how interesting the book is, if I were to end a school day dead beat, I can still fall asleep reading the book. However if I were to be blogging on the train, I am able to stay much more awake than reading a book. When reading a book, you just read, absorb the information and process it accordingly (e.g. imagining it out?). However when you blog, you are actually creating. You are making things out of thin air and you are actually thinking. When you blog about your day you think about what happened and you think about how you felt then. When you blog about an opinion you think of your points to support your speech. Blogging is really an emotional avalanche. This way, I am able to spend my time so much more constructively compared to just dozing off and looking like I got wasted (badly drunk) when I wake up.

When you blog on the train going home, you are also able to capture first-hand (or rather, lastest) emotions and information for publishing. Usually when I get home I really don't feel like blogging about the day unless its like once-in-a-lifetime amazing. Especially if I were to try blogging I will totally either 1. if I have photos I just slap them on or 2. if no photos I just blog a short two paragraphs. When you blog on the train within hours of it happening you are still overwhelmed by emotions that you just have endless things to talk about and you go on non-stop.

Also, blogging on the train using my iPod touch is an entirely different experience compared to facing my computer screen with a keyboard.

When I blog on my computer, I face a big blank box craving for words and I feel compelled to talk more. The fact that I am not blogging for the sake of blogging but rather for taking up more space makes it counter-productive - I end up talking even less and most of them are crap. On my iPod however, I just see a comfortable space that I can type on and on and on until I lose track on how much I've typed and when I see it on my blog I find that its so long I have to split it into a short excerpt on my main page.

I like blogging on my iPod while on the train really. Just so good to type on.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod touch

I Love Meridian JC

2011-01-15T23:23:00.000+08:00

Wednesday for Meridian JC was Open House. As we assembled in the hall, Ms Lai - our principal - led us in a cheer! She shouted her guts out and it lifted everyone's spirits.

For Open House I was on duty as a receptionist to give out goodie bags to would-be Meridians and their parents. It was nice to see so many people around but there were some annoying people of course. One dared to fucking ask me if there was a French Club and it was obvious from his tone he wasn't serious. However, one of the best part of this was that Lionel came for our Open House! Lionel was my classmate back in Secondary School but he had to take his 'O' Level a year later than us cause he had contracted cancer. Fortunately he's all fine and well now and apparently he scored pretty well for his recent 'O' Level examinations! He even had his story on The New Paper a few days ago.

Part of the planned activities for our Open House was an inter-house mass dance competition. It was definitely safe to say that Phobos had the most EPIC (yes, epic with capital letters) dance in the house! We had dynamic formations, great song mixes and core dancers, and I definitely enjoyed the dance. I found it amazing that I had great fun and was really immersed in all the joy even though for many parts of the dance where I had to dance with someone the 'someone' was a total stranger. I had no reservations at that moment unlike the usual me and I just stuck my thigh up the air (for one part where another guy was supposed to strum another guys leg like a guitar) and put my arm on another's shoulder (for another part of the dance where we all had to come together and move together). Amazing isn't it!

Of course, Phobos won and everyone definitely deserves the $400 worth of Ben and Jerry's vouchers! I know right, we're cool. I was unable to remember the choreography very well and had to follow the the dancer on stage. I found out that apparently I can only follow Joel throughout the dance and when I look at someone else I lag by a beat or two. So thanks a lot Joel, you're cool.

I definitely enjoyed the Open House and from what I've heard, Meridian JC had the best Open House across all JCs! I know right! It is definitely the best day I've had so far in 2011.

On Friday I had my first Chemistry tutorial for the year and I was mind-blown. My new tutor is now Mr Lee and he teaches amazingly. He has high hopes on us and expects the class to score 100% aces for our A Level paper. He has great confidence in our ability and constantly assures us that yes, we can do it. Thanks, Mr Lee. The lesson was so motivating that I was inspired to immediately jump into studying in belief that indeed I am going to score A.

I feel like I'm so gonna get great results for my A Level papers, considering how amazing my sophomore Junior College year is going so far. The year started great and now I have amazing teachers. Mr Lee teaches amazingly, Mrs Chin (Math) is a head of department, Ms Lim (General Paper) is very knowledgeable. I feel like I'm all ready to proceed with JC2!

(Actually by now I'm not as fully motivated that then since this is the second time I'm typing this blog entry. I first typed this entry on the train Saturday night with a über stinky Ban--- sitting beside me but the entry disappeared from my iPod touch unpublished.

Revolution

2011-01-09T20:52:00.001+08:00

3 seconds for you to tell me what this logo is.

3, 2, 1, Done.

If you recognised it, good for you. If you cannot tell, drink more coffee.

This is Starbucks's new logo, as part of the coffeehouse's 40th anniversary. They are making a change, through the evolutionary leap, and boy are they doing it. At the start of the millennium, the market has been very saturated and competitive and it is very difficult to gain brand recognition. Only several companies pull it off - Apple, Nike, Starbucks... They are the logos that you can recognise and they win in the retail rat-race.

Though so, Starbucks is not complacent and Starbucks wants to constantly improvise on what they have. Apple revolutionised the technology world with iPods, iPhones and now iPads. Nike has their best shoes and sports gear, season after season they have new goods. Starbucks however, being just a F&B company, can only introduce new food and coffee. They changes they can do are very limited, so they are changing the way the look and giving their loyal fans a fresh new experience.

The current logo is about only as old as I am, and is the logo that everyone recognises Starbucks by, but Starbucks now wants to get rid of the word 'Coffee', as after all they are not just about the coffee. I enjoy the amazing breakfasts, teas, frappuccinos, merchandises, ~~baristas~~atmosphere, and come on, from an isolated design perspective, taking away the word 'Coffee' and leaving a big fat gap there just sucks. It does not make sense.

What more is that Starbucks want to clean things up. Right now there are 5 rings, and they want to make their logo simpler. They now want to make the siren (the two-tailed mermaid) the focus of their brand name. They are making use of the siren's long presence in their brand history and the fact that most do not need the word 'Starbucks' to recognise Starbucks.

It's a big step and definitely a risky, but I think they are still keeping it safe. They are still keeping their tradition with the siren. If I'm gonna simplify all explanations, I can even say that its just a zoomed-in version of the original logo. It's actually just a small tweak.

Many over-react and totally hate the new logo, after all humans just have difficulty accepting change at a time when all is fine. Starbucks is fine right now, why bother changing? I have to admit I will definitely miss the original logo (and I really look forward to them bringing back the current logo once in a while for some nostalgia), after all it is just so iconic. You just don't see it anywhere else. However give me a little time after the rebranding, and I will be able to accept it. After all Starbucks is not radically changing their branding, unlike what happened to Gap.

On October 2010, Gap introduced to the world a brand new logo, discarding the class of the thin font on blue square for a simple Helvetica and that small gradient square. The word 'Gap' just looks disgusting in Helvetica. Nuff said.

There is just no logic behind Gap's logo change. In terms of simplicity, the uniform blue is definitely simpler than the gradient in the small square. In terms of originality, the thin typeface is definitely less mainstream than Helvetica. In terms of class, we all know who's the winner.

In the end, the new logo only lasted for a week. Most people didn't even know it got changed, but it was enough to generate its fair share of parodies. The logo was a disgrace.

Never the less Starbucks has got its fair share of logo changes throughout the years and come on, you know you still like how the new logo looks on the cup even though its a different type of liking compared to the current version. Starbucks has assured that the word Starbucks will still be kept in the vicinity of the logo (just that the word is now outside the logo), so you don't have to exactly miss the disappearance of the words.

Nevertheless even with the logo change, Starbucks is still our beloved Starbucks (and Coffee Bean, Coffee Club, whatever cannot beat) that has been my favourite throughout the years and I will continue to love the place. I will still love the atmosphere, the food, and also my Toffee Nut Latte while it lasts.

2011 Resolutions

2011-01-04T00:59:00.000+08:00

1. 90 Points for 'A' Level

I mean it. Who wouldn't want 90 points. These days even 90 points (full marks) may not get you into the course you desire. That's how fucked up Singapore is right now. I swear I must get great grades and get into a great University. I will really need to wean off procrastination already. Looking at my ranking in the school for the various subjects I really need to work on my Chemistry, Math and Physics, all of which I scored worse than around two-thirds of the cohort. This looks really really bad to me.

Seriously, even if its not 90 points, 85 please.

2. Silver for NAPFA

I cannot get bronze and waste my time in F&C already! Super annoying. My biggest problem is 2.4km and I swear I need to get at least a C or D for this. So irritating that there is actually sexism in fitness tests. What happened to gender equality.

And for NS I really need a Silver/Gold or else I have to waste 2 more months in National Service. I don't want to go on on how this is another reverse sexism act. Goddammit.

Actually that should be it for my 2011 resolutions since my 'A' Level should be the only priority this year.

However there are things I want to accomplish after my 'A's.

3. Learn Japanese

I wanted to take Japanese classes last year but I kind of missed sign-up dates so I eventually gave up. I don't think I can take this this year but I would really want to go for classes right after 'A' Level.

4. Go Overseas With Friends

Never in my life had I been overseas with my friends (apart from school trips). Really want to go around and have fun.

5. Work My Guts Off

I don't think I can go back to Mediacorp to work on the same project already after 'A' Level cause by then the project I had always worked on would be over. This year I worked right after my Promotional Examination, before my Project Work OP and Chinese A Level paper, and thank god I did that cause those days gave me the most I ever earned in a day. I had days where I could easily go over $100, even $200 within the three hours I worked per day. It was the renaissance of my part-time jobs.

Looks like I would have to seek employment elsewhere, which means now I would most probably have to work in full public view (sales, etc.) instead of having the comfort of just staying in my cubicle and have flexible work hours. I really would want the money and spend it however I like before I enter NS!

2011 And What Should Be Happening

2011-01-04T00:10:00.000+08:00

Many things should have happened in 2010, but all I did was waste an entire year. I really want 2011 to be a fresh new experience - meaningful, worthy, fulfilling.

I am now both a sophomore and senior in Junior College education and in months to go I will be taking my GCE 'A's. It is quite nerve-wrecking thinking about it but through the school portal I found out that I will be having quite a nice bunch of teachers next year (with the exception of Physics).

With much expectancy, my Civics Tutor has been changed and is now Mr. Firdaus, my Geography tutor! Super mad happy, I think my class deserves a party right now. I don't want to say anymore mean words about my previous Civics Tutor so... yea. At least until after I finish my A Level papers.

Chemistry is now taken by Mr Lee, who took our class for a tutorial to relief for Ms Sun's duties. I was blown away by the lesson and it was total enlightenment. Ms Sun has been really nice to us and will be missed, as a friend. She's so nice I don't want to insult her teaching. She will always be our class's friend. Friend. Still I am really happy it's taken over by Mr Lee! Heard from my friends he teaches very well with coincides with my own experiences very well, and heard he can get sarcastic, but I'm perfectly fine cause my mouth is pretty lethal anyway.

Since the end of the freshmen year I had already known Ms Foo would not be following us up to JC2. She was pretty bitchy at the start of the year but slowly was much nicer to us so I don't really have anything against her. Still I look forward to being taught by my new tutor, Mrs Chin, whom I heard from my senior is the Head of Department of Mathematics. Heard from Ivan she is very fierce during lectures but changes totally during tutorial into a well-loved tutor. Her experiences teaching and her position in the college reassures I would be getting quality teaching. So I'm really happy about it.

Physics had changes in tutors in the year and they were all from NIE, so I never had much hope in Physics. Physics is now taught by Mr Cha. He taught several lectures. I am now dreading Physics. Enough said.

Geography is still Mr Firdaus. All the Geography tutors teaching my cohort are very well qualified regardless of teaching experiences, and even though Mr Firdaus was new in the JC teaching system (he taught in Secondary School) he is really not that bad afterall!

My biggest fear was that my General Paper tutor would change for the fourth time and god I'm glad Ms Karen Lim is here to stay. Ms Lim is the third GP tutor so far and is also the best! I would call her Britannica if I had to cause she just seem so profound and knowledgeable! She is really one of the best English teachers I've had so far.

Overall I'm really more confident of my 'A' Level examinations now that I have a strong line-up of tutors backing me up. Pretty good thinking about this.

2010 Dreams

2011-01-01T03:36:00.046+08:00

I love this blog regardless of its readership, and I think it's very interesting to read what you have posted in the past. Through recollecting your past, you see how you've grown throughout the years. You see how childish a person you have been, you remember all the joy and fun you have experienced before and have since forgotten.

Last year, as part of my standard procedure, I made New Year resolutions for 2010.

3. Study hard

I felt that I could have done so much better if I had studied more for my 'O' Level instead of continually going to sleep from early evenings during the period approaching my days of reckoning. So I promised myself that I would study harder. At this time last year, I felt horrible. At that time I said that "already do I regret not working hard enough for the 'O' Level, so I cannot let this happen to my 'A' Level". I've failed, so badly not only in my resolution but also my academics.

I feel super guilty now reading this promise I made last year cause I didn't fulfil it. I really have to do this next year. The same miracle won't happen again (of me getting quite a good 'O' Level score).

4. Buff up

This is funny. I'm still quite thin (overall, ignoring my thigh) compared to last year albeit the PE lessons in Junior College that are supposed to build guys up for National Service. Okay fine, I'm slightly bulkier now compared to the past but all it takes its a piece of clothing for you to not notice the difference. I didn't even pass my NAPFA tests, since our college's thinks that a Silver is a pass. So what the fuck is a Bronze then?!? Hey AWARE, if you are really advocating for female equality, why don't you get female NAPFA grading system advanced to that of males? Why don't you open compulsory National Service for females too?

5. Look less emo

Slightly better, but still the same. Nuff said. Fail.

6. Style my hair

OMG finally one that I've accomplished! Though guilty of starting doing it properly less than a month ago, I'm finally doing it but I don't think I'm going to continue doing this during schooldays cause my hair quality has deteriorated very badly in just a month thanks to my hairspray.

7. Be more daring dressing-wise

Same fail, but most normal straight guys that are not models/artistes will never go that stretch to wear anything flamboyant anyway.

8. Be confident, be happy, be useful

I don't know about this. I feel crappier than ever because of the academic stress. I feel stupid and useless because of my results... Yea.

Difference — 'Proud of' a School and 'Loving' a School

2010-12-31T18:00:00.013+08:00

Okay it's 2011 already. No, actually it isn't. I'm typing this on my iPod at the last day of 2010 (6pm) while in the train.

2010 sounded nice. Twenty-ten yeah, doesn't it sound smooth pronouncing it? Problem was, it didn't lived up to my expectation. It was my freshmen year in Meridian Junior College, and yes, it is still the only school so far I have been in that I will truly be proud of, but being proud of a school is different from actually loving the school, at least in my own opinion.

I have never been proud to say that I was a student from Radin Mas Primary School. In the east (where I take my Secondary School and Junior College education), no one knows of this school albeit all of the school's achievements, high PSLE scorers, being a 'tech school'… The school is one of the most prestigious non-elite Primary School in the region(like Meridian JC — neighbourhood school making a name for itself).

Still, I liked the school. I missed how I was an innocent boy who didn't gave a shit to everything. I didn't had super close BFFs, but I had lots of good friends that I clicked well and would hang out with - guys that I will follow up the hill beside the school to play soccer (even though I mostly ended up doing nothing and just watch), buddy that I will walk home from school with and purposely go up Mount Faber on the way, girls group that I will infiltrate to be the only guy in their group and go to her house…

I wasn't the type of guy that could socialise with everyone, and I went on to Secondary School into St. Hilda's Secondary School, far in the east at Tampines. God I didn't knew there was such a place in Singapore called Tampines.

I lost all my friends in a stroke of light. Thanks to my spread-fish-net method of making friends, I never bonded super closely with everyone, so I never had extreme BFFs. I lost contact with everyone I knew in Primary School, no more of knowing everyone around, this time I am the loner from god-knows-where wearing that strange vertically-striped shirt. Shit.

Most people in my class knew at least one other person in the same class since Primary School, and there I was, sitting beside the freak and wallowing along in my own silence. However, throughout the year I had several so-so friends. I was now bad at socialising and I usually prefer to just not talk but rather just keep to myself.

My class was well hated by other classes of the cohort for being not participative, etc, but within the class most of us recognised the unique culture and bonding within the class that cannot be easily described nor overwhelmed by the supposed on-the-surface enthusiasm from other classes, and throughout the years, I made a few very close friends that I could tune into like the radio because we knew exactly each other's frequency.

I had amazing teachers too. In this supposed pretty-good-but-not-quite-there neighbourhood school in Tampines, I had a few so-much-better teachers than I am sure can even beat elite Secondary School teachers hands down, paving my way in the dire circumstances (our school's students on average used to be qualified for JC) to enter Meridian Junior College. To date, my Secondary School is still nothing to be proud of, but I love it. It contained some of the most beautiful memories of my life, it gave me some of the most amazing people I've ever met and that I treasure.

Enough of my alma maters and now back to my current school. One of the reasons I chose Meridian JC instead of e.g. St. Andrew's JC (which I had affiliation to) was because I had always looked up to MJC. I admired the school's culture and it had always been a dream to enter this institution. I am thus proud of the school, proud of its achievements and culture, but somehow, I don't feel my attachment to the college.

I have another year to go so I have to censor out some thoughts, but I just don't love the school. No, I don't really hate it, but I just have no personal feelings/attachment to the school. It just feels like a place for me to undergo education, but I used to look forward to going to back to school when I was in Secondary School. I just feel so neutral to the school.

Life

2010-12-30T03:58:00.005+08:00

What is life?

Many of times when I face difficulties in my life I ask myself this, "What is life?", why is the purpose of me being born into this world? Why am I needed here?

Still, I just want to make a mark for myself. I don't know about my ancestors, any of them past my grandfather were still in China from what I know. My grandfather had been 'useless' all his life, oppressed by his obnoxious wife and being that 'nice guy' never fighting back, never saying a word against her. My father is 'useless', having now inherited my grandmother's knack for being mean and a total bastard.

For generations, almost all of the people bearing my last name have nothing to be proud of. Well I have relatives with a pretty good career, and they are of the same generation as me. So that's exactly what I want, I don't want to follow the footsteps of the previous generations; I want to build my own future for myself and live it well.

I want to step out of this enigma and vicious cycle and be able to overcome boundaries.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod touch

Early Spring Cleaning and Age Mysteries

2010-12-21T18:09:00.000+08:00

After I bought spent a total of over $150 in various bookstores, my two compartments of my bookshelf finally started to get overwhelmed by the number of books. I threw away the TV in my room which now no longer works and the table the TV was on is now a 'study table' for me.

I went to IKEA which was pretty close to my house and bought several white cardboard boxes, a mouse pad and a new desk lamp. As I paid, the guy at the cashier asked me if I drove there.

I was definitely paying alone (as far as I can tell), so do I look like I drive a car? I mean, all I wore was a t-shirt, jeans and Vans, do I look old (and rich) when I style my hair? What the. Maybe its just a routine for him to say that?

I don't get why people can't tell my age. Weeks ago while I was having a haircut the stylist asked me if I was in Primary or Secondary School. When I was in Sec 3 in 7-11 I was asked to buy beer. I still can accept it if I look consistently older, but why is it some people think I older while some think I'm younger than I'm supposed to be?

Back to room organisation. I fixed up all the boxes and put in my albums and academic related materials in the different boxes. On different nights re-folded every of my clothing, and I also moved things around from my shelf and managed to make out another new compartment. Another compartment which I usually used to put random stuff is now more organised and I decorated the back with some nifty items I bought at Cat Socrates days ago.

My room is thus now much organised than before, but I still have some final touching up to do. I still need to sort out properly all the papers which I just stacked up throughout the year. Have to sort them out by subject or else I will have a hard time revising for my A Level next year.

Keep It In Your Pants

2010-12-21T02:36:00.002+08:00

Don't watch if you can't get a good laugh from sick jokes.

The Flood

2010-12-20T16:48:00.000+08:00

One of my favourite songs now.

How Nice

2010-12-17T21:10:00.000+08:00

My hydration vessel - KOR ONE - arrived at my door step last night.

My bottle - throw in some lomography photography effects using Photoshop

I feel it very difficult to take nice pictures of this thing. I like it a lot - the handle, the button, etc, but it is just so difficult to capture the beauty of this vessel.

Anyway I looked up some information on independent bookstores in Singapore and I visited two of them today.

The first one I went to was BooksActually, a bookstore set up by a couple with a love of books. Now located at Club Street (Chinatown, Ann Siang Hill area), this three-storey shophouse has got lots of books each selected by its owners.

Bought Gone Case by local writer Dave Chua, and grabbed Catalog magazine.

In addition to just the fiction/non-fiction goodness, they also house their own stationary brand Birds & Co., and how pretty the things they have! They have pencil carved with famous writers' names, amazing alphabet postcards... really cool. The small second storey has got a wide range of vintage items - from very very old Faber Castell erasers to even out-of-print vintage Singapore notebooks.

I love the environment in BooksActually, entirely different from mega-chain bookstores like Kinokuniya and Borders (which already have a very comfortable feel). Don't bother talking about POPULAR, cause seriously. Yah. The place is very homey, it feels more like the library in a book-lover's house. If you were to spend time carefully browsing every shelf, you can spend an entire day there and feel totally at ease. Today though, I just had rough look at the stuff, randomly picking up a book or two. I'm sure I'll be back there again. Definitely recommend this shop to anyone looking for vintage goodies and books chain-stores miss out stocking on. Lots of surprises await you.

I also went to Cat Socrates (囌格拉底貓）, a Chinese bookstore stocking Simplified Chinese books. I'm not a fan of Simplified Chinese, but I still love their tiny collection. Even if you don't read Chinese books, the place is still worth a visit since it has branched out to stocking on other merchandises too. This little store in Bras Basah Complex has a small cafe area which seemed real nice. The center area had tables that held lots of various nifty items like bookmarks, notebooks, stickers, lomography photo cards, postcards, etc. I myself bought bookmarks, a few Beatles postcards (specifically chosed Paul McCartney ones) and a gift bag.

I had no use for a gift bag but I felt that it was fate that I met it. The gift bags are called The Good Bag and are made in Singapore by injured migrant workers from recycled paper, specifically construction planning papers. As you can see in the photo, there is a floor plan, and guess what. That's my block. I know the layout looks very standard, but beside the diagram (hidden by the postcards and bookmarks) is the road and block, exactly the one I am in right now! I was amazed by this coincidence cause this one happened to be the first one on the stack! If it was any other places' layout I wouldn't even bother touching it, but what a sweet coincidence! I have absolutely no use for this bag but still, I'm keeping it.

The store also have a collection of tin toys which are not at all expensive and will definitely make a great gift. Cat Socrates is another store with vintage items that is definitely worth a visit, especially if you pass by Bugis or Bras Basah Complex. Most can definitely appreciate the beauty of the items.

Lastly I went to Kinokuniya, Singapore Main Store at Ngee Ann City. There was a small choir singing Christmas songs in the store, which was really nice. Asked the counter lady if the store had 1Q84 Part 1/2 deluxe version in stock but sadly they didn't have any more stock and the company only printed limited copies of this. I don't want the normal edition! I think I may have to resort to buying online.

Okay more books. Thank god for my Kinokuniya card that gave me like around $20 of discounts.

And home I went.

Traveling Dreams

2010-12-17T00:09:00.000+08:00

I don't see a problem watching movies alone. There were lots of people watching Kokuhaku alone while I was watching that day. Not like its Tangled (Rapunzel in Singapore) or some comedy that I need someone to laugh with. Besides, Kokuhaku is a Japanese thriller of a female school teacher avenging her daughter's murder by her students. This film in particular, is a piece of art that you have to immerse yourself into the storyline and feel every detail and moment within.

Same for traveling. I have dreams of traveling alone. Fine, I also want to fly with my friends, but with friends I would probably want to go to an urbanised city like Taipei to shop and play. We'll go to every night market and eat every local snack, etc.

What I dream of traveling alone is to go a not-so-advanced country or an 'arty-farty' place (Vienna, Rome, etc.), where I can plan myself every step, taste every flavour, and feel every bit of the foreign culture; I'll be fully immersed in the atmosphere without ever having the need to bother about my partners' needs and preference. Plus I can do Photography carefreely! :)

I got inspired by my General Paper subject tutor, Ms Karen Lim, who said she sometimes like to travel alone and proceeded to explain the benefits of traveling alone. She made me realise that you are an individual, you don't always need company and reliance. You are not a loser if you are alone; You are the real loser if you cannot be alone.

Anyway my hydration vessel arrived at my door a few hours ago! I quite like it, its definitely top quality - very sturdy, well designed, etc. I would definitely want to try to fill it with different drinks and have different lighting conditions so that I can experiment with photography. I saw a photo online that made it look real pretty, and I want to do that too!

More Shopping

2010-12-16T02:31:00.000+08:00

My Threadless spree got cancelled! All thanks to Threadless increasing the price from USD10 to USD12 over the weekend. Quite sad now cause they also removed this tee that I really really like a lot. There are like cute glowing pac-mans on the tree, it looks amazing but I think it infringed copyright or something.

I can't seem to find any other open sprees around right now that are pretty well priced. The one I originally registered one put her exchange rate from USD to SGD as 1.34, so it wasn't too bad. Right after this one got cancelled I managed to find another that was still in close range of 1.36 so I quickly wanted to order but just before I wanted to transfer the money over the spree closed already. Went already searching and the only one I found still open has got her rate at 1.45! That's damn expensive okay.

Okay anyway this morning I went to Photog (with a badly styled hair) and we were supposed to clean the clubroom, ended up so many people didn't appear and Kymberly was doing her Pre-U Sem video and only Tiffany and I were cleaning the place. I cleaned half the room so half of about three-quarters of the room is now clean.

Oh and I also watched a lot of videos on the net. I watched an entire Taylor Swift half hour concert, which was sweet albeit Taylor's excessive gestures. Then watched lots of X-Factor performance videos with Anisah. I also bought 8 Days by the way, and in the magazine they recommended this video:

What the fuck damn disgusting!!! Couldn't stop laughing!

Got home, ate dinner and slept. I just woke up and is surfing books online. I really love my accent/tone when I read out the description for Chinese books. I almost cried. :(

(I don't know why I feel like a bimbo posting this entry.)

The Walk from 'No' to 'Yes'

2010-12-15T00:59:00.000+08:00

Short Talk
“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.” - Dr. Laurence J. Peter

Holiday Wishlist - Fulfiled.

2010-12-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

I don't see a point of making a holiday wishlist if I am going on a spree the very next day.

On Monday, I went back to school for a while for a debrief for Prom. Before I got to school, I activated iB Message at the POSB ATM in White Sands. Then I got to Photog but there was only Kymberly there locked out since Jiayi was holding the key. When we finally got in I started shopping on the club's Mac Pro; I bought my KOR ONE and two Threadless tees (see my wishlist). Felt so guilty spending so much money but I liked it. :P

After the debrief, I then rushed home and quickly took a shower, changed and did my hair. Why the hell do I always choke on the hairspray's smell?

I quickly went to the bus stop but then I decided to take a cab afterall. I took a ride to Marina Square and bought a ticket for 告白 (Confessions; Kokuhaku). My best friends are either in Taiwan for school exchange or I don't think are interested. The last time I watched movie alone was in 29 February 2008. Why I remember the exact date so well was because I watched it on a leap day for the movie Leap Years. I thought it would be really cool to watch such a movie on this day. However that day I had an extra Physics lecture (yes, I had lectures before Junior College, just on a smaller scale) so I bought the ticket before the lecture and watched it after. No one wanted to watch so too bad, I had to watch it alone. I could remember how the teen school girls behind me salivated (not literally) over Ananda Everingham's appearance.

Normally I don't see the lack of company as a deterrence from watching a movie, but it would still be a little awkward. I used to watch movies alone when I was younger, but in those days I didn't feel as awkward; the feeling grew as I grew. So I watched less movies.

This time, I had to watch Kokuhaku. The desire to watch it was so strong! I had been deeply attracted to the storyline and it didn't mattered who wanted to watch it. I wanted to watch it, and because the movie was due to be off cinemas by this week, I knew I had to catch it.

So I bought a ticket by walking directly to the counter since the queue was empty. I then bought a drink and walked into theatre one. Yes, I walked directly in. There was no one to tear my ticket so till this day my ticket is a complete untorn one. I should had saved on that $7.50! I found my seat and on my left and right was a woman and man respectively watching it alone too. So I'm not the only one alone in the cinema. At least I knew there won't be childish kids watching in the cinema since its NC16. :)

The movie started in minutes and I stayed glued to the screen. The movie started with a 25 minute monologue that would probably seem boring if you knew about this scene beforehand but once you watch it its not at all boring. How well played.

Anyway I loved the movie and left the cinema to the washroom. I heard my name in the toilet then while standing at the urinal facing the mirror I saw my Secondary School schoolmate (whom I wasn't very close to). WTF. I finished my business and walked out and saw a few of my friends. Struck up a short conversation and walked away.

I took a train ride to Dhoby Ghaut and planned to walk towards Orchard but it was raining, so I took a ride again to Somerset. Had a walk around HMV but didn't find anything I want to buy. Also walked to EpiCentre in search of a case for my iPod (the case is in bad condition). Why don't they even sell at least a case for my iPod! It's not even that old. It's just one model back.

I then walked towards Orchard in hopes of buying a Starbucks and the nearest I could find was at Paragon. I also bought the Starbucks Card which I had been eyeing for a long time but never passed by a Starbucks (damn Pasir Ris). Then I got a Grande Toffee Nut Latte which I like a lot ever since I bought it at Suntec City.

Okay maybe I shoudn't be so detailed with every step I made on the streets.

I went to my favourite Kinokuniya! I took 告白 off the shelves after watching the movie and also took 贖罪 (しょくざい; Shokuzai) from the same author. Then I took the hard cover edition of 1Q84 Part 3, and I called Garry who was in Taiwan to ask if he actually did help me buy Part 1 and Part 2 there. I don't want to spend $40 on what I already have. The line didn't get through so I gave up but didn't buy it just to be safe.

The line at the cashier was empty so I went for payment. They took my Kinokuniya card to scan but there was some system error and I got transferred to another counter and I had to wait quite a while. I was expecting an apology or something but the cashier just talked amongst themselves trying to solve the problem and ignoring me. The uncle behind me asked me if I was a member and so wanted to borrow my card. Seeing he was polite and educated enough, I agreed without any bit of unwillingness. He tried chatting with me a little while waiting and it was pretty nice of him (even if he did it to show that he wasn't a cheapskate).

When the cashier finally solved the problem and I successfully paid for my 3 books, the cashier was totally silent and I said thank you but I got no replies. Not excellent service I've got there Kino!

Had a big walk around ION Orchard and Wheelock Place's EpiCentre to search for an iPod touch case but they don't have. Even when back to VivoCity and searched. Still no. :(

A Blogger's Dilemma

2010-12-14T21:11:00.000+08:00

Was just on Xiaxue's blog reading Female Blogger Dilemma. How true. It's not just correct for female bloggers, but all other bloggers.

If you are anonymous - you must be a fat ugly loser in real life.

If you show your identity and you look ugly - You should do plastic surgery.

If you show your identity and you already did plastic surgery - you are fake and disgusting.

If you are au-natural and pretty - you are still fake coz you put make-up, or must photoshop your pictures.

If you are pretty and don't put make up - it's because you don't know how. Also, you look boring and pale.

If you are pretty and put make up - you are superficial, insecure and shallow. Go save a whale.

If you get popular - you are a famewhore.

If you don't get popular - you are a nobody.

If you get popular and earn money from being popular - you are a sell-out.

If you get popular but don't earn money - you are stupid, and also, who you think you are, so bloody high and mighty?

If you are single and not dating - something's wrong with you.

If you are single and dating - you are a slut.

If you are attached - your boyfriend is either ugly or too good for you.

If you are married - you are a boring housewife.

If you are married with kids - why the fuck are you blogging when you should be looking after your kids? You are a shit mom.

If your partner is rich - you are a gold-digger.

If your partner is poor - you are a unrealistic romantic and if you break up with him for someone who works later on, you are a gold-digger.

If your partner is nice - Don't know what he sees in you.

If your partner is a jerk - You are a moron for dating him in the first place but you deserve no better anyway.

If you keep your life private - you have something to hide and you are a liar.

If you don't keep your life private and your life is sad - What a loser.

If you don't keep your life private and your life is fab - What a show off.

If you don't speak your mind - you are stupid, apathetic and unopinionated.

If you speak your mind - you are ignorant and talking about things you don't know about. You should shut up.

If you are fat - that's the only thing you are. That and disgusting.

If you are skinny - You must be anexoric or bulimic. Also you are making other women feel fat and thus spreading unhealthy weight ideals.

If you are of average weight - You are fat.

If you don't respond to haters - Means what they said must be true and you have nothing to say.

If you respond nicely to haters - They will just have more ammunition and hate you more.

If you respond rudely to haters - You cannot take criticism and you are a cyberbully.

Jun Xian's Holiday Wishlist

2010-12-12T20:37:00.000+08:00

If Santa Claus is giving me presents, I want...

Research In Motion's Blackberry Bold 9780

BB is hot. Especially since my contract is ending soon (January 23, to be precise), I want a new phone. My current HTC Touch Diamond which have been quite faithful to my use for the past two years is now in a bad state. The battery life is starting to fall, it is starting to lag more and more, and the back cover cannot attach itself to my phone at all without scotch tape ever since it flew off the table while I was bowling with my civics group mates.

I like Blackberry for its sturdy build (love the material at the back) and QWERTY keypad. The overall feel the device gives is not only cool, but sleek, professional and trustworthy.

God no, not an iPhone. I have an iPod touch for the very reason - to avoid iPhone. I like it that iPhone has all the great apps and all, but one problem - too many people using. I hate it especially when some Primary School kid or old uncle struts the same gadget as me. So I got an iPod touch so I can enjoy the same great apps and iTunes integration.

Apple's MacBook Pro

Again, its hot. Again it is to replace an old device I already have. My current PC is getting old and I really want a change. I love MacBook Pro for its really sturdy and nice to-the-touch aluminium unibody. Apple's products just work. Like just-like-that.

Apple's products show innovation and careful thought to the needs of its customers, everything is built with precise detail and as the saying goes, "Once you go Mac, you never go back.". I don't understand the people who thinks that Apple's product is hard to use, its not compatible with Windows stuff, blah blah blah. Misconceptions people!

Haruki Murakami's 1Q84　and Kanae Minato's Confessions

村上春樹 (Murakami Haruki)'s 1Q84 (pronounced 'ichi-kew-hachi-yon') is a Japanese novel, but obviously I can't read Japanese, so the closest I can get is the Chinese version since there isn't an English translation released so far. I don't actually have a strong enough reason to buy it, I just have a strong urge to read it. 1Q84 has its chapters alternate between two characters and creates a alternate reality in the past. I don't know how to explain the synopses without copying from other sites, so read it yourself.

湊かなえ (Minato Kanae)'s 告白 (Confessions, pronounced 'kokuhaku') is another Japanese novel. The name will probably strike you from the recent Japanese movie release. Another novel that is very attractive to me, it is about a high school female teacher who is sad over her daughter's death. She finds out about the murderers - two of her students - and instead of requesting for a reinvestigation by the police, she quits from her job and made a confession in class - the truth of her daughter's death and that she wanted revenge.

New Tees (e.g. Late Night Snack)

I really think I need newer clothes. I didn't really buy new clothes this year cause I wasted most of my money on replacing my lost wallet, daily Venti Starbucks, random Kinokuniya book sprees and the like. So its like this year the clothes I have been wearing are repeated from my already limited wardrobe. Can you believe it I cannot go a week continously without repeating any one piece of my clothing!?! That's how bad it is right now.

KOR ONE (Ice Blue)

I mean, this hydration vessel is just gorgeous. It's a totally different level from water bottles. It's iconic, it's a statement. Beautiful.

Ever since I left my Starbucks DIY Tumbler in Lecture Theatre 5 and never got it back I've been wanting to get a new bottle, and god did I find one.

I don't know what to say. I just want it.