To be honest, I don't hate military life, but that doesn't mean I love it and would sign-on in a military career either. I just feel that since I'm here, I should just accept my fate since hating it would just make the experience worse.
The physical training's intensity is picking up; my muscles have never gotten so sore before. Still, despite all the pain, I have long decided to just accept it and push myself all the way and just bear with everything. Gradually I've gotten used to such lifestyle of community living despite my dread for it and I know that I must make myself do better, even if it means staying behind every weekend for remedial training.
As part of 4th coy which is a warrant company and one of the 'leadership' batches (a way the local conscription system discriminates between less educated and more educated enlistees), it is somehow good to know that all my superiors to a varying extent are flexible in thinking and are able to joke despite their demands.
After some tries I could do some basic marching while complying to some basic commands. Fitness training is done as an entire company though and it is really rigorous. There isn't a day since the physical fitness started that I don't feel sore, stiff and tired. In fact the number of chin-ups I do has decreased because I've really worked out my body a lot that I've left with little strength to do other stuff. Even walking down the stairs proves to be very painful for me. Despite all my complains, I choose to still accept these trainings since firstly I want to believe that in the end I will improve greatly and secondly I simply have no choice anyway.
My biggest problem though would be swimming. My swimming skills is unbelievably atrociously bad. I cannot, for one, float horizontally on water; I don't even dare to leave the floor of the 1.2m deep pool. I suppose I'm the worst swimmer in the entire company. It is really stressful on me since the way they teach swimming for so-called 'beginners' ('CAT C') already assumes that everyone is comfortable in water and can float. I have problems even putting my entire head into the water and I am scared, having never touched swimming pool water for 6 years, the previous time being in Sec 1.
I remember then having to undergo the compulsory swimming program at Bedok Swimming Complex. We started at shallow waters, first holding the side rails and letting ourselves float, and also then submersing in the waters while holding on to the rails. Slowly, I could paddle with the styrofoam board, but that was about the furthest I went before we changed venues to the newly-renovated Tampines Swimming Complex. There I suddenly lost the ability to stay mid-waters. I just couldn't swim.
Since then I haven't been in contact with water for six years. Even me myself did not expect to be so uncomfortable in the water; I thought I would at least be able to get the proficiency I had gained earlier, albeit being weak. It is just this unfound phobia that I never realised I had. I really want to make myself swim but when I actually enter the water I just can't do it.
During the first swimming lesson in army, I had to go to another corner for specialised teaching even away from the CAT C beginners. One of the trainers tried a scare tactic and scolded and taunted me but I couldn't even get angry -- I was just so nervous at that time. The other trainer was much more encouraging and I made very minor progresses. By the end of the lesson both instructors became considerably encouraging which made me feel less nervous.
For two nights so far, I couldn't help but think about it during my free time in my bunk before sleep. I feel nervous whenever I think about my inability to swim and of possible consequences I may face with regards to my military training.
I am really giving all I can whenever possible -- pushing my limits in muscle strength and allowing myself to get dirty and wet. It's this sense of insecurity that I just cannot overcome. Yes I know the water is at chest height. Yes I know lifeguards are around. Still I just can't get over it. Perhaps this is why I am also acrophobic -- being afraid of heights -- despite knowing that the structure I'm stepping on is very secure.
Just one week in army and I've already lost track of time and day. It feels like a continuous cycle that I am unable to break out from. Time seems to fly, but yet it feels like forever.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
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